Looking for help with WAW

[sandi2]

Good morning. I welcome you to the board and sure hope you will stick with it. You are going to hear some things that you probably don't want to hear....but I believe it's everyone's intentions to help each other b/c we are a community here. Some are encouraging and some are blunt and lay out the facts.....so hang on and don't get defensive if a 2x4 comes at ya....okay?

You wondered if your W was a WAW or in MLC. From what you have said....she has already walked away, but have you seen any signs of a MLC? Just based on what you have told us, I kind of doubt that she is, but don't have enough information yet.

I can tell you that I understand financial problems and the stress it causes. I also understand depression and how it affects a person. So, with that said, I will be talking to you mostly from the POV of a WAW (which I was an "almost" WAW). A woman can be a WAW in her heart, and yet hasn't actually walked away yet. Still has all the same symptoms.

IMO, this is where your trouble peeked:

For the past two years after my company closed I have not had a steady job. My wife asked me to get one

As I said, I understand depression b/c I have had to deal with clinical depression for many years. And your W may be very sweet, patient, and understanding....but after a while, the W begins to look at her H who is not working and is not "trying" to work and all she sees is what appears to be laziness or giving up. Remember, I am not saying your "were" these things, but that is how a lot of women "see" the man on the outside. As "equal" the sexes may be in our society, the nature of the female has not changed that much. There are certain things that will affect her respect for her H--and him not working is one of those things (IMO). I have seen this even in cases where the H was disabled and the W "knew" he was disabled, but it still took a toll on her respect b/c she saw the H "laying around the house" doing nothing. I am speaking of several cases that I know of personally in my life.

So she lost respect for you. No matter if you had a "medical" reason for it.....it still happened. When she lost her respect for you....she stopped having the "feelings" she once had. It works together for a woman. She has to have respect for her H first...then the feelings will start to come back.

All of this since October? Can’t understand why she is moving so fast?

It does not seem "fast" to her b/c she has felt emotionally D from you long before she actually left the home. That is why she is able to move so quickly with all of this. OTOH, you are in shock, so it seems extremely fast action. What you need to do is stop yourself from staying in a pit of confusion and emotions (which is very natural) and force yourself to have a plan of action. But let me say this....please don't "act" upon anything before you confront the board members, b/c you are in shock and don't know what to do at this point. That is why we are here to support--and hopefully guide you in the right direction to help you begin a new M with your W.

I want to save you some time. In order to move forward, you "must" prevent yourself from dwelling on how the M was in the past. Stop thinking of how your W use to be, etc. That is over. That M is dead. It is okay to mourn its death, but you can't afford to stay in mourning b/c of the importance of the time factor and b/c you must think ahead and not backward. You can have a new M with her and that is the "hope" right there! Are you willing to stop hanging on to what use to be, and shoot for a brighter future?

It takes hard, patient, consistant work. There will be ups & downs like you never thought possible. The first thing you have to realize, after you accept that the old M is over, is to stop dwelling on your W changing. You wanted to shake her and bring her out of the state she's in. But that was exactly how she felt toward you when she was asking you to find a job. She wanted to shake you out of your depression! So get your focus off of her changing, okay? Strickly focus on what you can do to completely do a "make-over" on yourself. These will be your personal goals. Make it exciting! Make the goals about "you" and not your W.

You have to accept that this woman is not the person you M. She has changed and so have you. I was very young when I M and by the time I was your W's age, my idea of what was attractive in men had certainly changed from when I was fresh out of school. It comes with growing up. People change. And, if you are willing to do what the board will advise you to do.....you will be doing more changing than you probably "ever" have before.

My wife originally said she would go to marriage counseling but now tells me she only wants to go for closure.

It would be a mistake to try to get your W to go to MC b/c she is not wanting to repair the M at this point.....she wants to "end" it. So, don't bring that subject up again. If she was to bring it up (b/c she wants closure), tell her that you have thought about it and you are not ready for MC and that you are working with your IC at the moment. "Maybe later". (You will learn to give shorter answers whenever it comes to a R question from her.)

I’ve done my 180s

Besides NC in three weeks, what has been the 180's done? BTW, 180's are usually a consistant work in progress. Your W will either notice the changes or hear about your changes from others. However, it is unlikely that she will say anything to you about them. You know why. She doesn't think they will stick. This is why it is most vital that you make these changes (whatever they are) for "you" and nobody else. They are to make you a better person so that you will repect yourself....and like yourself and for no other reason. That means that you don't change to make your W like you better. You don't change to get her back. It takes some men a long time to get that point.

I can't expound enough on how important it is for you to back away from your W. As I have told others, a rule of thumb to remember in starting all of this, is that when you pull back....your W will draw in closer; if you pursue....your W will back away. If you did nothing but live by that measuring stick, it would do wonders!

In this entire process, you will have to learn that you do everything opposite from what you think is the "normal" steps to be taking. B/c the WAW does not think like she use to and she doesn't feel like she use to and won't act logical according to you. You cannot base what use to work on this situation now. It is a whole new ball game! New rules to learn and apply. But DB is your game plan, so guard it and keep it private from her or she'll think you are using some "gimmick" and that it is a sham.

Do I set boundaries now and say that I’m not ready to discuss dividing our things?

Absolutely! Tell her she is welcome to get any of her personal belongings or you can even pack them up and place in the garage (that might shock her), but you are not prepared for the "diving" other household things. Don't ever do anything like that that you do not feel ready to do and just tell her, "I am not prepared at this time to do that". Then no further discussion. You don't ever have to continue in a discussion. Cut it off and leave or hang up the phone or show her the door....whichever the case.

Another boundary to set for right now would be to ask for her keys to the house. Why? B/c you are going to get your own life and she chose to leave your home and therefore she must feel the "loss" of certain things as a consequenses of that decision. One of those "losses" is the freedom of coming & going in your home whenever she chooses (if she's still doing that). Do you see where I'm going with this? It's a big step, in a way, and it will shock her and maybe make her angry....but that's okay. Don't fear her anger! You must be in control of your life and don't live every day based on how "she" may react to your decisions.

Don't fall into the trap of a R talk.....and she'll do it if you are not on guard at all times. Just like asking for her key....or telling her to leave it on the table (however you decide to do it)......she may protest and try to use that situation to pull you into a R talk, but stay focused on the subject at hand and simply don't talk. Tell her the conversation is over.....and cut it off. If she asks "why" you want her keys, you can tell her this much, "You have decided to leave our marital home, so when you do that....you leave the keys to the home also." If she asks about the other things in the house, then tell her that discussion will come later, but not right now. You just keep going back to that response......you are not prepared to discuss it at this time. Then she'll want to know if you've been talking to a lawyer (lol) b/c she knows that doesn't sound like you, but don't tell her yes or no. You can just look at her and say nothing. That is another thing you will need to learn.

Now, obviously I don't know much about your W so this is very general. But an example of some women pulling you into a R talk when you ask for the key would be her saying something like, "So does that mean you are want/ready for a D?" And you just say, "This is not what this conversation is about and I'm not prepared to discuss anything right now. I simply want you to leave the keys to our house b/c I have a right to my space & privacy just as you do." If she is the type of woman who presists in trying to talk about something....you hold up your hand in a stop sign position and softly, but very firmly repeat yourself that you aren't going to discuss anthing else right now. It's very effective! So what if she gets mad? This MR is dead and over. A new one is on its way! (She doesn't know that....and you aren't going to tell her a new one is coming, b/c she's not ready to hear that.) Just keep that in mind. It will be rough going through some of these steps, but if you keep your eye on the goal, you'll be strong enough to make it through.

Do I tell her that I want to talk in person about that when the time comes?

If you are referring to talking about boundaries to her in person.....I don't think that is always necessary. In fact, there are some stitch's where emails work best. So, like in the asking for her keys....if you think email would be best, then it's your call. However, on that particular item, if it were me....I would not "warn" her of your intentions of asking for her keys and wait until you are face to face with her....and that way, she doesn't have time to make copies (lol). Don't know if she's that kind of woman or not. She doesn't sound like it so far....but never know. It may come across as "petty" if it was done through email....IDK.

On something like the keys, don't go through another person to tell your W, b/c that would be humiliating for her, so unless she is in an A, try to treat her respectfully as you can . Show her strenth and respectability from you. Be firm, yet not mean or ugly. (And these "keys" was just an example of a boundary. Don't try to do all the boundaries at once. One at a time or as it is necessary.

Wheee.....long post! Have to go, but I'll check back. Take care.

Sandi