Is this piecing?

[Lost Rabbit]

Hi hun

He is just like that child pushing for an icecream, he will go on and on and on and on until he gets a smack and then tell you its your fault! No its his fault, if he starts down this road, firmly validate and re-interate that you will do some thing about it the minute you have time, and its for you to decide when that will be and him keeping on wont make it any quicker if anything delay the procedure and again the inevitable walk away.. or you could walk away go collect the equipment to clean the problem and then politely pass it to him and say "as its so urgent you might want to deal with it himself now" and again walk away..

You must stay as calm as you can and for as long as you can, only time will show him that he is the one doing the arguing and eventually he will see youre not taking the bait and joining in.. It your fault is a very childish and immature way of dealing with things but hopefully over time your C will give him better ways of dealing with it!

BTW H and I are still together the expectation I mentioned was way back in the summer when he first left..

Anyway thinking of you and hoping for a less stressful day for you tomorrow!

[Butterfly1]

THank you - Calm calm calm - I'm not so good at it, but it's my own lesson. I do tend to get very hurt and upset and that has always given him the ammunition to blame me. (Then I blame him for being so mean as to hurt me and the cycle begins...) So 180 time. I;ve been working on this for a while - months - and I go up and down, but my eye is on the goal: NO fighting, being friends.

I think I did what you suggest - I said, ok, I understand, I will clean it today - and I just did it later. I snapped a little when he went on about did I make S's lunch too, but immediately made the lunch (I had offered to do it) and apologized. What else can I do.

I'm leaving today for the aforementioned snow vacation with S that H backed out of. H is bitter that I'm leaving but I need to not take that bait either - he said he was ok with me going and he also backed out of going, those were his choices. Trying to not fear his anger which usually leads me to go against what I want to do for me (like not going, in order to appease him) it is positive for me not to take on his anger.

BTW - room cleaned - when I was ready.

so - stay calm, shut my mouth, walk away, and wait 24/48 hrs. That is my recipe

[Butterfly1]

Well made it to the mountains after a long drive with S5. Last time I was here has memories for me - and it all circles around H. I don't want to be missing him and be sad, but I am. I keep trying to be strong and be glad I'm away from the verbal assaults - I "should" be glad and strong. I'm not. Our last vacation was at exactly this hotel.

[Lost Rabbit]

Right missus get off your derrier and go make some new memories el pronto!

You cant miss the old memories whilst the new ones are fresh in your mind.. Treat as a break from the blungeoning.. Oooh and if it makes you feel better snow has stopped play completely here in the UK, we have about 10cm in most places, and its below 0.. I dont do cold lol!

Have fun x

[Butterfly1]

thank you LR. I was really happy until this afternoon, then got sad again. Having a great time with S and the Me time is really good. Then H has to txt and push my buttons. Tells me he's not going to the New Year's party we attended last year with my friends. I was really hurt, but mad at myself for being hurt. So un-DB of me. It's the same as the vacation - I should be strong, just having fun for me and "building new memories" like you suggest. I'm so mad at myself that I'm just missing H. The fact that I can't get over him in spite of the bludgeoning makes me even madder at myself.

This DB stuff is hard. I should be strong, independent, not caring if he's going, heck even telling him I want to go alone! Otherwise I set myself up for these disappointments. Why do I have so much trouble with rejection and loss? I feel to blame for our troubles and I feel H is rubbing that in every time he declines spending time together.

Maybe he's setting personal boundaries, maybe he's trying to push my buttons, I don't know. I can only blame myself for loving him and caring if he's with me or not. I get discouraged when it doesn't seem he cares if I'm going places without him - he even seems glad. Ouch. I guess I need to DB better to make an effect.

OK, enough of that. Off to have a lovely last half of the trip with S. Thanks for letting me vent.

[Butterfly1]

I guess this is the hard part and a question of how to cope to anyone else in a similar sitch - could be similar I guess to those who are still living together. I can't "GO DARK" because of my S5 and the fact that H spends the night at my house three nights per week to be with him.

I have had some small successes when I've ignored H when he's at home, sometimes, this pulls him in and he keeps talking to me. However, I cannot do what some have done and give H full space for months on end until he starts "coming around" = how do you still live your own life and shake them up to make them notice and miss you when you're in their face a lot of time?

[Butterfly1]

Journalling - thinking a lot tonight, now that I'm away from home.

I think H is taunting me. It started the other night. He made some popcorn for our show. He knew I wanted some, our routine is that the family shares popcorn while watching tv. H declares he is eating all of it and I can't have any. I thought he was joking. He wasn't. I said, ok, let's make another one for me. Then H says there is no more. When I said I wanted some, he said too bad and continued to eat it in front of me.

Then there was the thing about backing out of the snow vacation now that he had told me he would and he knew I wanted him to.

Tonight, the third one - saying he would not go to the party I wanted him to come to.

Could he be playing a game that whatever he thinks I want he will make sure I don't get, and that he will flaunt it in front of me like a dangled carrot, saying no no no.

I guess this weird pattern only works if I want anything from him. I get very hurt by this weird behavior, feeling like he is intentionally trying to hurt and let me down.

So now, don't ask anything of him. I hate these emotional games aimed to hurt me. I still am stumped at why he wants to hurt me instead of just be honest and real.

[Butterfly1]

More thinking....actually, it was worse than that. The other night, he was "joking" calling me crazy. This is something he has called me in heated fights many times and it is a real insult to me. I asked him politely to not call me that ever again. He said he heard me, but he intends to still do it. Later that night, he sure did.

It happened later with "f***er" = I asked him never to call me that again, and he said no. Then he called me it again, and laughed.

It's like a child's "you can't make me". It's crazy. I don't get it. I think he's trying to upset me and my only recourse is to walk away and ignore him (although this cuts deeply).

[Butterfly1]

Hi hun


You must stay as calm as you can and for as long as you can, only time will show him that he is the one doing the arguing and eventually he will see youre not taking the bait and joining in.. It your fault is a very childish and immature way of dealing with things but hopefully over time your C will give him better ways of dealing with it!

This is it. He is still acting like a child - "You can't make me". So I will not play those games. I've decided he is not invited to the party this saturday even if he were to change his mind.

And my birthday is coming up - I've been dreaming of a nice night together - but I can see this is another set up for him to deny me and try to upset me. So I'm not even going to mention my birthday. Since he is acting childish, I expect him to act childish and ignore my bday hoping to upset me. So he won't. I'm going to make plans for my birthday and if he does or says nothing, he is the one who looks rude, not me. If I get upset, I look immature and I won't have it.

Now please remind me of this when my birthday comes in two weeks

[Lost Rabbit]

Atta girl you got there on your own steam today so your learning how to deal with the childish one..

I know it sounds awful but does he have to stay at your house to see S. Sorry but I wouldnt be allowing him to stay over if he treated me so disrespectfully. No one deserves to be called those sorta names. Personally I'd go with these are the days you see S, but you dont get to see me, can you retreat to your room and read a book or the study and go online, or go out. Even if you go to the local coffee shop and read your book. Dont cook any food for H when he is there, infact dont buy the popcorn if S wouldnt share he wouldnt get any would he lol!

As for some of the above, stop blaming yourself for his behaviour, yes youre probably 50% to blame for the marriage breakup but you are not responsible for how he behaves now 100% NOT.

Now I hope by now youre enjoying making new memories whilst knowing that the childish one is just shooting himself in his own foot!