Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[SoldierDad]

Thanks all.

Not feeling my best this morning.

Kinda wallowing in my own self-pity.

It is hard to keep seeing the bad side of my W, and not do or say anything. She knows just what to say to hurt me the most. She even told me that when we were in out semi-reconciliation, for the 2 days!.

[SoldierDad]

I'm not sure why I am allowing myself to feel this way again.

Not sure why I am spending so much of my time and energy worrying about what she is doing with OM.

My L sent me this in reference to sending a letter to OM workplace:

Do not send the letter. The court’s attitude is that once a divorce has been filed the parties have a license to go on with their lives, even with lovers.

This was really a nice kick to the N.U.T.S. Now I have to think that it's OK for her to be with as many OM as she wants-hell, his e-mail really didn't change anything-she was doing it anyway.

Feeling sorry for myself is NOT productive, and all I do is get myself all worked up over things I can't control.

I have to get out of this funk...

[TrentC]

Do not send the letter. The court’s attitude is that once a divorce has been filed the parties have a license to go on with their lives, even with lovers.

I'm kinda surprised at this attitude (from the court). That seems like a big point to overlook.

Has this ever come up in anyone else's situation??

[TrentC]

Now I have to think that it's OK for her to be with as many OM as she wants-hell, his e-mail really didn't change anything-she was doing it anyway.

That's not the way to look at it.

You don't have to be OK with her seeing other men; you just have to accept that you have no influence over it, even in a legal sense.

[TulsaTime]

Be blessed Puppy!

[SoldierDad]

Wow, I am really struggling today.

Feeling sorry for myself, trying to rationalize things. Analyze things.

Thinking, I can fix this. NO I can't.

Wondering what she is doing-who with. Is there someone ELSE now?

Feel helpless, and unworthy.

Not sure why I swing like this-I hate it.

Why can't I get angry over what she iss doing? I am hurt, but I really want to get angry....

[SoldierDad]

Can anyone tell me, why I am not getting angry at my wife for cheating on me?

Does that tell me that I am ok with it?

I in some sort of sick way, feel responsible for her cheating on me. If I wouldn't have left, she wouldn't have cheated. I know I have been down this road before, but I keep coming back to this guilt I am feeling.

Why am I so absorbed into what she is doing, when I KNOW I can't do anything about it? I just can't stop...caring.

I have allowed her to strip me of all my self-esteem the last week. I allowed her to use me, and then discard me like a piece of trash.

I am so much better than this, but I don't FEEL that way.

I hate feeling this way.

[SoldierDad]

I really just want to feel so much better about myself. I feel like such a failure in all of this. I am working SO hard at this, and it just doesn't seem to be helping me. I think the majority of my problem is, I am focusing too much of ME onto HER, and what she is doing.

I have to find a way to get past the pain, and stop accepting all the responsibility for my M failing.

I just feel like I could have been a much better husband for her. And she reminds me of that at every opportunity.

I really have low self-esteem right now.

Wish I could be like some of the people I know that can just flick a switch, and not feel bad about anything like this. But it just isn't in my nature.

[Lotus]

SD,

It may be too late to really change the divorce at this point. But it's never too late to be the best person that you can be. There are couples that re-unite after divorce. People go through all kinds of changes in life. And sometimes they get a better perspective further down the road. I think right now, the best thing is to make sure that you don't burn your bridges with her. You can't control what she does, so you are only upsetting yourself by focusing on it. Just be pleasant to her. Accept that you can't change things now, and move into the role of cooperative parenting with her. The more that you are just a nice guy and good father, the more she will have good feelings about you.

[SoldierDad]

Lotus,

The thing with me is, I want my M to work SO bad. I am having such a hard time accepting the finality of it all.

She has a unique way of absolutely crushing my self-esteem at every opportunity.

I mean, the latest blast was "I can hardly wait until I am divorced from you I can hardly wait"

It isn't fair that I am working SO hard to keep things together-even though she doesn't realize that-and she is contributing NOTHING but more heartache for me.