Trying to move on

[ClingingToHope]

I talked to a friend of mine who is a pastor. He told me what I know deep down inside. That W, who had a lot of screwed up dealings with guys long before me, doesn't know will make her happy and she has it in her head that getting a divorce will make her happy.

It's like all the promotions she got, she thought those would make her happy.

It's like buying a bigger house would make her happy.

It's like when she wanted to get a dog because that would make her happy.

Now it's getting a divorce, that will make her happy.

In all the other cases, the happiness wore off and she started looking around again.

He basically said the best thing I can do is get myself as good a deal as possible, give her the divorce and rebuild my life.

When the temporary happiness wears off she'll have to either grow up and face what she's done and her issues, or move on to something else that will make her happy.

[C-Bart]

Sounds like a very wise friend.

[dwinter82]

A-men

[ClingingToHope]

Before I left work I sent W an email saying January 16 would be a good day to hammer out an agreement. It's her weekend with the girls so I wouldn't be losing time with them.

If it's going to happen I might as well get it to happen as quickly as possible. It's going to take her time to get the money to pay off her share of the debts.

I know the DB rule is to make the WAS do all the work for a divorce. Well W is so set on divorce being the answer for her that nothing I do will make any difference. All she's focusing on now is saving the money to file. If I fight it or delay it I'm just going to make things worse.

I don't believe D is the answer but the only way she'll learn is to live it.

As for me, the longer this goes on the more I don't start healing. I need a lot of healing. I'm not sure where this ranks on the pain scale. The Saturday after I moved out was the worst. The day I found out W was at the county fair with another guy -- showing she was moving on and not just sitting at home -- was really tough. The day after Christmas, going through withdrawal.

I'm just rambling. I really hope a year from now I can look back on this and smile -- a survivor.

Right now, I'm watching my girls play with the Wii fit and just dying inside.

You know what really hurts? The fact that the pain is all mine. W seems so happy and content. I still, deep down, feel I am the one for W. She's so hard to get to know, reserved, every guy she went out with before me would date her until they got what they wanted and then move on. She's been used multiple times -- so perhaps she's permanently damaged.

I remember when we were dating there were a couple of times that I thought we were about to break up. She was just so hard to read.

One time in particular I remember we were eating at a restaurant and she was telling me she was considering moving north to a city 90 minutes north. I didn't react right away and she looked at me and said something along the lines, "so is that it for us?"

And I said, no, I'd move north with her.

Maybe it's because I've had the hots for her since I was 18 and I never thought I'd be lucky enough to go out with her, but I was in with both feet. I overlooked a lot of stuff early on. Over the years it came out -- and maybe that played a part in all of this -- but the truth is I still feel the same way I did when I was 18. Maybe now it's like it was when I was 18, I was scared to ask her out then. I never thought she'd be interested. And now I can't have her again.

You want what you can't have.

[ClingingToHope]

More realizations. W told me once I didn't love her, I just wanted her. There's a lot to that. When I really, really, really think about it, the fact that we may never ML again hurts worse than anything else. Is that wrong?

[Lotus]

No, if someone told you you could never eat another meal you would miss that, wouldn't you?

[dwinter82]

As for me, the longer this goes on the more I don't start healing. I need a lot of healing.

If you have been going through this for sometime, you are probably better prepared to realize the situation and "more healed" than you think. Like me you need to accept that this is the way it is. When I found out my W and the OM had reunited I was really down in the dumps for about 6 weeks. With the next discovery of how far things had progressed between them, I entered the down phase again. However, I am confident that I will rebound quicker this time around.

This is a slow process, stay focused on yourself and the kids.

[mishka422]

the fact that we may never ML again hurts worse than anything else

Normal. Is that thought only that you won't ML to W again, or that you won't ML to any woman again? That would determine your true state of mind.

[C-Bart]

Hang in there buddy. You are not alone in what you are going through. This is as hard or harder that losing a spouse to death yet for some reason we are only allowed x amount of time to grieve.

Take things at your pace. The pain is part of the healing.

[ClingingToHope]

Met with my IC today and I was having a rough morning. She's strange. She doesn't have any great insights really. She just lets me talk and chimes in. We went over the holidays and how I just ran out of emotional gas and now the D train is about to leave the station.

She's like me. She doesn't think there's an OM now, but she thinks W's dreaming of one -- that she has this fantasy life she thinks is out there once we get the D.

She thinks W, based on my description so it's biased, is the type of person who never gets severely depressed but is never really happy. She's always searching for something and at some point she began to focus on me, I must be the reason she's unhappy.

She said people like that a lot of times never really heal. The just keep searching and searching, always restless. They have to recognize the problem, seek counseling and a lot of times need medication.

W went to counseling last year for depression and the counselor urged her to go on anti-depressants. All of the other supervisors at her level in her job are on them so she didn't want to do it. She thought it would be weak.

We'll see. I've spent the rest of the day trying to focus on myself -- which is hard when W calls me four times to over scheduling stuff for the girls.

I'm really tired though. I kept waking up last night with my mind racing. So I slip back. I know little deadlines haven't helped me so far, but I keep thinking of them.

The D train should be in full throttle by D10's birthday in late February.

I'll be in Florida for my birthday.

I'm thinking of buying baseball tickets for my anniversary in late April so if nothing else I'll be out of town.

Memorial Day will likely suck. I haven't looked to see if it's W's weekend. If it is, she'll probably want to take the girls to the campground.

On and on it goes. Where my brain will stop nobody knows.