The most successful thing you can do is give her as much time and space she needs to find herself. (What good do you see coming about by holding her back?)
And by that I mean, you should take as much time and space as you need to find yourself. Understand yourself better especially your codependence issues. Grow as an individual who is happy about himself as an individual, while allowing her the time and the reality to find out if the grass is really greener.
When someone "dumps" you take 30-45 days of no contact to get them out of your system. Live life to its fullest. Start dating. Develop a new attitude about life. One that is more confident and successful at being alone. Isnt this what 22 year old girls are attracted to? The 22 year old girls I know arent attract to mopey, sulking, depressed guys. They are into dancing and having fun and experiencing life to its fullest. They are looking for that confident, decisive, emotionally strong guy to sweep them off their feet. Be that guy.
Realize reconcillation is far more likely when they realize that they have lost you, and they are force to question if they did the right thing. Get out, Get busy, and meet some new people who can take your mind off your wife is your first step.
Trent - some 180's I am going to work on are not contacting my wife, not being so eager to hear from her everyday, and not to discuss R with her.
Those are good tips in general for right now, but 180's should be things that you want to continue if and when your wife changes her mind about leaving.
Originally Posted By: bobby2087
Steve- I should date while still married? I don't think that would be a good idea...anyone else?
I think he was speaking in abstract; if you were meeting your 22-year-old wife right now for the first time, are you acting like the kind of guy that she would be attracted to?
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Maybe I need to work on not being easily angered. Something I can do with her is not get angry when she says something about the R I don't like.
That sounds like an excellent place to start.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Yours is an interesting sitch, just due to the age thing...then again, I get the same thing and we are nearly the same age and M at 28. I would do what you're doing, be supportive give time and space, and def dont R talk. I'm finally getting the hang of it and its been 4 months already. I just re-read an e-mail i sent W not a week ago and it was truly pathetic! At the time I was writing it, it was coming straight from the heart- but jeez, imagine if the OP just isnt at the same place- it would be like having to see Message in a Bottle when you were sure you were gonna see Platoon or something. It's really too funny when you think about it. Just imagine how you feel, and assume she feels the exact opposite. That's been working for me so far. Here for you Bobby, keep fighting and don't give up, just give her space and work on yourself
Thanks Maynard. I'm going to have to check out your posts so I can catch up on your sitch. I find it hard to give others advice on here...it seems like I would have nothing of substance to say because I don't know what I'm doing myself. I'm glad I'm getting some help over here on my sitch though. I know what you mean about the email. I've poured my heart out to my wife over and over...you tell them how much you love them, how they are the most beautiful thing in the world to you, how you would do anything for them...my wife is the most important person in the world to me. Too bad I didn't act like it when she was around. Like I was saying though you do all that stuff...and you get "well I'm not happy and I don't feel those things and I don't want to work on it" in return. My wife just insists she wants a divorce asap. She says we need a fresh start and maybe something will happen in the future but she is dead set about being in this marriage. Its hard. I feel like my wife feels like she missed out on a lot...she is just starting to take college classes and wants to live on her own and support herself...why she would want to struggle instead of being in a marriage that I am committed to making great is beyond me. I don't know. Its just really hard. I was supposed to go to my first IC appointment today, but they canceled it due to all this snow we are getting here in PA. I think I may go see a Christian counselor instead. I got a reference to what is supposed to be a very good one.
My wife just insists she wants a divorce asap. She says we need a fresh start and maybe something will happen in the future but she is dead set about being in this marriage. Its hard. I feel like my wife feels like she missed out on a lot...she is just starting to take college classes and wants to live on her own and support herself...why she would want to struggle instead of being in a marriage that I am committed to making great is beyond me.
Because someone else has come into the picture. A new male interest. Some guy at school. Exotic, different, new, a challenge for her? They have common interests. There is a little sexual tension. It is exciting to her.
HE IS NOT pouring his heart out over and over and telling her how much he loves her, how she is most beautiful thing in the world to you, how he would do anything for her...
BUT SHE WANTS HIM TO and she is most likely pursuing him because he shows an interest in her. A distant interest. Somewhat reluctant because she is married (hence her desire for a quick divorce) but still he is DIFFERENT and INTERESTING and NEW and most likely CONFIDENT ABOUT HIMSELF and she is infatulated.
She told you straight out what is going on "Says we got married too young, there were a ton of things she didn't do." Dont go by that saying dont believe anything they say. What she said is true. It is her reality. She is interested in the DIFFERENT, the INTERESTING, the NEW.
This is why it is important for you to get out and get busy and meet new people. Dont just work on trying not to contact her. Dont think about her. Let her think about you and why you no longer call. Then she will. You understand what it feels like to be rejected? well...
What did I tell you above?
oh
Develop a new attitude about life. One that is more confident and successful at being alone. Isnt this what 22 year old girls are attracted to? The 22 year old girls I know arent attract to mopey, sulking, depressed guys. They are into dancing and having fun and experiencing life to its fullest. They are looking for that confident, decisive, emotionally strong guy to sweep them off their feet. Be that guy.
My wife just started college today, so I don't think she found anyone there yet. I really do not believe there is another person. I have not found anything that could confirm any type of affair. Maybe I'm wrong, but I have not found anything to tell me otherwise.
Wife and I went out today for lunch. I'll admit I sent her a text asking if she wanted to get lunch today. She called me and said she didn't know if she would have time, I told her that was fine if she didn't I just wanted to get something to eat did she want to join me. She called me back a little bit later and said she wanted to. We ate...talked small talked, laughed a little about stuff. It felt nice. Maybe I am setting myself up for hurt here...but am I the only one who finds their spouse stunningly good looking after not seeing them for a while? She floored me. I did not tell her this though. Anyway she said "so what are we going to do about things" and I told her I didn't want to talk about it. We did a little though, and we didn't fight. We hugged and she went on her way to her next class. Haven't heard from her after that but she did have to work tonight. I just hope I am not getting false hope...she WANTS to talk to me, almost always initiates the calls, and if I don't answer calls back. I am just going with the flow, I'm not expecting anything or asking for anything. I am committed to making myself a better person for ME. I'm also praying and praying for guidance and patience.
I lost my cell phone sometime in November...I got a replacement but ended up finding the one I lost at work. Haven't much messed with it, but I decided today to get my pictures off of it. Looked through old text messages. Bad mistake. Just on September 15 my wife told me she loves me more than anything. I kind of forgot but even up until the beginning of November we were still saying love you...even after we were separated. Things have only gotten worse for us as time keeps going on...I can't help but thinking tonight that things will just get worse and worse. Less than 4 months ago she was saying "I love you more than anything"...now look at us. Very bad night....
I really want to call my wife and say..."how can we be at I love you more than anything then a month later you leave me...this isn't right...we need to work on this..." but I'm not. I really shouldn't. Should I? Anyone out there tonight?
