She came over tonight for a bit after I put the kids to bed.
She hasn't admitted anything, she looks very scared and she was crying quite a bit.
"No matter what i do from now on, it won't be good enough" "You're going to be angry with me" "You'll never forgive me" "I wasn't well before, I'm better now"
And then she mentioned that she's been going to personal counselling for her issues and she wants me to come there, I asked why, she said it would be easier to tell me things in that environment.
I just repeated the same things to her: - I won't live without honesty in my life, - I won't be with someone who lies and is deceitful and hides things from me - I won't be with her just because of the kids, my life is too valuable to waste in a loveless relationship - I am happy as is (and she knows it), joint custody works for me, I have no problems taking care of my kids and I could do this indefinitely
She talked about us, she mentioned that she wants her family back, she wants me back, she loves me, etc.
I told her that all those things are good things but I would only decide to be with her after she's been completely honest with me, regardless of how scary it is, I want to know what happened.
I told her that she doesn't have to tell me, she can keep her secrets but she has 0% chance of being with me if that's what she chooses.
I also told her that I won't guarantee that I would decide to take her back even if she admits what she has done and with who, she can't expect to tell me everything and just expect that I forgive her for what she's done and take her back. I told her that I could learn to forgive her in time but that was my decision to do so and it was also my decision if I wanted to be with her or not. If she would only admit to me what she has done on the condition that I take her back that she was still attempting to control me. When she lied to me in the past, it was her controlling me, that's what happens when people lie to other people, they are attempting to control the other person's reaction - when you're honest with someone, it can be scary but you have no control of the outcome other than the fact that you were honest.
She cried for a bit, and I held her because she needed it, it was the kind of sobbing that makes a person's body tremble uncontrollably. (trust me, been there, done that) I'm not an ass, regardless of my decision in the end with her, I wouldn't let anyone regardless of what they did to me, disintegrate with that kind of emotion & fear in their body. She's holding on to alot of pain, anxiety, fear, etc.
She thanked me for listening before leaving our home, I told her to drive safe and to get some rest because she has an early morning shift at work tomorrow and that was that. She asked if we could talk again tomorrow, told her to call me tomorrow and I'd let her know if I was available in the evening or not.
I handled it well, I'm actually feeling really good about all of this, I wasn't an ass, I validated her feelings while we talked because I really did listen but I also made my stance clear on all of this and I feel good about that.
I've never seen anyone so sad & afraid to lose someone as i did tonight.
The floodgates on all of this will soon open, you can feel it (well I can feel it, my intuition has greatly increased over the past couple of years, I'm just really good at reading people), the words almost left her lips this evening about what she had done, you could tell in her breathing, the way she was talking, her body language, etc.
