I read these types of success stories and they make me question my approach. Tough love or maintain friendship, or is it possible to do both, i.e., maintain distance, DB, GAL, move on, but when the spouse is around treat as a friend. I have read that to truly move on, friendship is not healthy (for us) and should not be considered. I guess the real question then becomes, do you truely want to move on or do you want to continue to fight and hopefully have the opportunity in the future to demonstrate who you have become. Are there cues to look at to help determine when to stop the fight? Or is this a natural process that happens; we move on and no longer want to fight?
I think you do it all out of love for your spouse. I know I said I look at that pic and it makes it easier to not call or contact. After thinking about it more, I need to not look at the pic so much and if I do, have pity on her, she is sick.
Originally Posted By: dwinter82
Are there cues to look at to help determine when to stop the fight? Or is this a natural process that happens; we move on and no longer want to fight?
I think that is a natural process, of falling out of love with your spouse through GALing and at that point it is a decision you make. I discussed this at length with my IC, and I just have to trust God when it comes to that day. I don't think you have to get mad, just Love as long as you feel like it, I think you will know. Chris
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
missherlove I had the same experience on FB. H told me what bar he had gone to for New Years Eve, but wouldn’t tell me with whom, just old friends he said. Now I still don’t know if H is having an EA/PA affair, but I have my suspicions. But a couple of nights ago on FB, the OW that I suspect the EA with posted a pic of her at the bar that my H said he was at for New Years Eve. And she had a Happy New Years Eve hat on, that was just 2 nights ago, and that is the night I started snooping really bad as you can see in one of my earlier posts. But thankfully H doesn’t know about me snooping.
Sorry that yours had to play out in front of D13, that’s just really sad. But it sounds like you handled well.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me: 36 H: 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
mb28, Do you know the suspected OW? Is she a friend of yours on facebook? I know FB changed a couple of weeks ago and you can see more things on other people's profiles now. I was just wondering? Anyhow, you are doing so good!!! Keep it up, just be prepared for what might come next so that your emotions don't take you over. I mean emotions either way, anger or joy. Remember, you are Mrs. Cool Cucumber.
I debate everday whether it is better or not that my D13 knows everything. I don't mean the lurid details, not even I know that but she knows both OM's names and my W told her there were others and that she could not help herself. My D13 is so sweet and wonderful and the funny thing is I owe it to my W, go figure. My W was raised Southern Baptist and we go to a Southern Baptist church, my W set my D13 moral compass. The alien that is in my W's body is now discounting God's word to justify her actions and decisions. D13 wants to talk now. back ltr.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
missherlove, I don't know the OW, and I'm not friends with her on FB. My H told me we met years ago while we were dating, and he said he didn't even know her that well back then. I've thought about trying to befriend her, but I think that would make my H mad. I can see her pics, and that is about it. I really wish I could see her wall, but it wouldn't do me any good if I could I guess.
I know what you mean about the emotions, this up and down is the worst. I was having such a good day today because of the positive encounter last night. Then when I came home from work and realized that I'm doing everything; kids, shopping, working, cleaning, homework and I go to school full time. I'm really getting burned out without his help. And he was a big help when he lived here. Now that he's gone, he wants to offer no help at all. I think he is loving the single live. On the nights he's not with the kids, he goes out. I hate being the left behind spouse. I guess right now, I'm so angry with him.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Oh I know your pain on the going out thing, my W goes out all the time. I was trying to get one of my D buddies to go out and by the time he called back I was not up for it. I've been out a couple of times and it is depressing. At my age, anyone I would meet or talk to has so much baggage that that is the only thing they talk about. At first I was jealous, now I don't care.
You think they are having all this fun and right now it is fun to them but for how long? a couple of hours in a bar??? a couple of nights a week. It will get old and expensive, and depressing. I did not meet my W in a bar I met her at work, and we were friends first. I have pity on my W b/c one day she will wake up and realize what is really fulfilling in life and it is not going out to some bar 2 or 3 times a week for some "fun".
As far as taking care of everything at home I don't feel like I am doing anymore than I used too b/c my W didn't do anything before. Even her relatives, especial MIL and her Aunt, have always said and still say I do 80% of the work around the house including stuff for the kids. MIL came before Christmas and said "I was doing a great job with the kids and the house" felt good, I hope she told my W.
On Sunday after the late nite, FB/bar incident, my W and I were having a big R talk and she actually said "If you would just meet someone", I had to bite down hard on my tongue, I wanted to reach through the phone and choke her. Instead, I said I am not interested in anyone else right now, I know it made her feel bad. She started crying after that, it lasted a minute then the alien came back. I do want a break, a vacation though. I am going to try to plan something for myself alone when the weather gets warmer, I'll get my mom to watch the kids.
Originally Posted By: mb28
I think he is loving the single live. On the nights he's not with the kids, he goes out. I hate being the left behind spouse. I guess right now, I'm so angry with him.
It is a noble torch we carry, in the success stories the WAS almost always at some point apologizes for all the crap we are going through right now, I don't know how many times someone can say they are sorry but it will never be enough, so that is why I let go and forgive now, otherwise the anger will build in me and make me a bitter person. Have you ever met someone like that? I don't want to be that person.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
The bitteness point you make is a good one. Although we have reason to justify it, at the end of the day what is it going to accomplish, mom and dad hating each other? I refuse to let that happen. I am just as responsible for the M problems as the W is.
In my opinion the advantage we have is that we have assessed ourselves and the situation. Im my sitch, I am are trying to improve who I am, how I react to problems and ulitmately how I love (not taking things for granted). Will this help me down the road? I like to think it will. Conversly, our spouses are reacting to being unhappy and have only assessed that. They are not changing themselves and will likely carry past mistakes with them into the future. Just my thoughts for the day.
Awesome relevations DW, I am about to talk to W on phone. Will respond in kind to your last post in a little while.
I spoke with my IC and we agreed that it might benefit our R if my W and I define our current R and what it looks like moving forward and to possibly have a joint MC session. So I called my W and she couldn't talk at the moment but said she needed to talk to me. I am trying not to contact and pursue but I think this will help. Thoughts???? Quick
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
