Happy Holidays to everyone that finds themselves here. I know for many of us this past holiday season may quite possibly been the worst holiday season we have had to face. I hope that the next year sees better times for all.
Anyway I've not posted on this forum for some time- I've returned to lurking once in a great while, looking for pearls of wisdom. I had reached a point earlier where I felt the M was forever broken and all hope lost. I believed I had accepted the reality of my pending D, moved out and tried to begin rebuilding some kind of new life. I felt that I no longer needed DBing anymore other than the afore mentioned pearls of wisdom.
Strange thing is that the more I started down the path of acceptance and continued to make changes for me I started noticing small changes in W, nothing major she is still having an EA with OM and that has seemed to only escalate, but more recently she has said things such as - you lost weight you look nice. You seem so much more positive about everything lately, more like the person I first felt attracted to, etc. for the most part is true these have been real changes for me that have come out my own personal growth and not motivated by – I’m trying to get you back, etc.
The thing is- I know that I still love her and would work on the M if opportunity allowed but I’m not sure where I am at right now. I wonder if I have gone too far down this path to do that and if the choices I have made have been counter-productive to such a cause anyway. I have pretty much adopted the stance that I wanted to preserve our friendship and be amicable for the sake of our kids and also felt that I wanted to try and ‘rise’ above all this and be the ‘better’ person leaving any anger or negative feelings behind – I still think that what my W did is completely wrong – no way to excuse it – but that is on her and I want to know that I chose to not let that embitter me or affect the kind of person I want to be.
I’ve accepted the things I know that I’ve done wrong or contributed to this situation and have forgiven myself and her. So now my questions to you sage counselors are:
1)Anyone else gone down a similar path? If so your outcome/advice? 2)Anyone disagree with my approach and why? 3)Welcome any other constructive comments.
Hi Cutterbug - Read many of your posts over the months I've been dealing with this. I aprecaite your comment on my post.
I moved out primarily because the situation was getting very difficult to deal with for both of us. My wife is having an EA with somemone 2,000 miles away. Somone she once had a crush on in high school and found each other agin through FB. I know that I did pretty much everything wrong for DB from the first moment and it was a downhill battle from there. Anyway I was spying on her, letting my anger get the better of me, feeling constantly on edge all the time, etc. I told her on several occassions that I thought that she should be the one to move out - but utimately it was agreed that it was better for the kids if I did. Kids need mom more than dad was the prevailing wisdom.
I'm not sure if I can go through all of them but will try to give short examples of things:
Bad - lost my temper several times, once even tried to shred all the pictures in our wedding album, threatened to tell the kids why we were divorcing, confronted OM thriough an e-mail, contacted OM's GF exposing the EA, talked about M(R) alot, tried negotiating, convincing why we should work on M, persuing etc.
Good - 180's , GAL, Exercising (lost 40 lbs.) started detaching, focused on realtionship with the kids, etc.
Now I should point out that some of the reasons my W used as why she felt that the way she did and was 'vulnerable' to an EA were:
1)I was not as supportive emotionally as I should be - she's an artist and even though I love that about her and have always been proud of her work I've never really raved and lavished praise constantly on her for it. I have been supportive but one day before all this happened I came home after a bad day, the kids were running wild the house was a mess and and she had been painting. I made the comment - "Is this all you have been doing all day - doodling? :-.
2) Was showing decreased affection ( ie. seemed I didn't care anymore) I admitt I had been withdrawm some. 3) Became very pesimistic,moody and angrier- -I have been dealing with bouts of clinical depression for nearly 3 years now - some of this I attribute to that.
4) She devouted all her time an energy to the kids when they were younger, was a great wife and mother but felt that she wasn't getting what she wanted out of life and felt that it was time for her to start doing things for herself and I was standing in the way of that. ( sounded like MLC to me -still does)and I didn't agree with that but did acknowledge why she would feel that way.
Oh - and no we didn't get married to be friends but friendship was always a cornerstone of our relationship. So on some level I would prefer to have at least that than nothing at all.
Sorry for the long post I hope this sheds some light and I appreciate the coments.
Everyone is different, but I told my wife that if she insisted upon ending our marriage this way -- by having an affair, and lying to everyone about it and refusing to try and work on the marriage -- that I had absolutely zero interest in being her friend, much less her BEST friend.
This seemed to shake her, and she told me later that it played a huge part of her deciding to try and reconcile.
how long has it been since you started the GOOD and ended the BAD?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Hi Cutterbug - Read many of your posts over the months I've been dealing with this. I aprecaite your comment on my post.
I moved out primarily because the situation was getting very difficult to deal with for both of us. My wife is having an EA with somemone 2,000 miles away. Somone she once had a crush on in high school and found each other agin through FB. I know that I did pretty much everything wrong for DB from the first moment and it was a downhill battle from there. Anyway I was spying on her, letting my anger get the better of me, feeling constantly on edge all the time, etc. I told her on several occassions that I thought that she should be the one to move out - but utimately it was agreed that it was better for the kids if I did. Kids need mom more than dad was the prevailing wisdom. Why is this? I do not understand why you would walk away when it is you who wants to be in the marriage. How do you children feel about this? I'm not sure if I can go through all of them but will try to give short examples of things:
Bad - lost my temper several times, once even tried to shred all the pictures in our wedding album, threatened to tell the kids why we were divorcing, confronted OM thriough an e-mail, contacted OM's GF exposing the EA, talked about M(R) alot, tried negotiating, convincing why we should work on M, persuing etc. Forgive yourself for wedding album. That was over the top. But your human. I would have told the children the truth. That you do not want a divorce but Mommy ... They need to know. You need to teach them some lessons here. They will find eventually. Dr. Hartly speaks of this. I will get the link for you. But remember your actions will be forever lasting with your children. As for exposure. Never appologize. Speak the truth always. Do not shield her from her unappropriate actions. The rest is just duck soup. Grief does some crazy things. Be thankful you had the courage to fight yourself through this. You realized your mistakes. You adjusted. Good - 180's , GAL, Exercising (lost 40 lbs.) started detaching, focused on realtionship with the kids, etc.
Now I should point out that some of the reasons my W used as why she felt that the way she did and was 'vulnerable' to an EA were:
1)I was not as supportive emotionally as I should be - she's an artist and even though I love that about her and have always been proud of her work I've never really raved and lavished praise constantly on her for it. I have been supportive but one day before all this happened I came home after a bad day, the kids were running wild the house was a mess and and she had been painting. I made the comment - "Is this all you have been doing all day - doodling? :-. You are going to have to forgive yourself for this. And learn from this. This a great window to teach yourself how to communicate after a hard day. Not for now but down the road. Also a great place to toss in an act of service. 2) Was showing decreased affection ( ie. seemed I didn't care anymore) I admitt I had been withdrawm some. 3) Became very pesimistic,moody and angrier- -I have been dealing with bouts of clinical depression for nearly 3 years now - some of this I attribute to that. These two are linked. I am thinking that all this kicked your butt into gear to deal with the depression. I am guessing that you have not been very happy for years. Its ok for us LBS to not be happy about the marriage as well. You turned into yourself. What are you doing here to help yourself? How are you turning this around? I bet the EA made you get to work. And made you think. I am done with being sorry about myself. 4) She devouted all her time an energy to the kids when they were younger, was a great wife and mother but felt that she wasn't getting what she wanted out of life and felt that it was time for her to start doing things for herself and I was standing in the way of that. ( sounded like MLC to me -still does)and I didn't agree with that but did acknowledge why she would feel that way. Script. She can do stuff without stepping out of the marriage. Do not agree with this fog BS. Oh - and no we didn't get married to be friends but friendship was always a cornerstone of our relationship. So on some level I would prefer to have at least that than nothing at all. You can be civil without a friendship. Friendships are built with respect and trust. You have neither of them with your wife. Sorry for the long post I hope this sheds some light and I appreciate the coments.
how long has it been since you started the GOOD and ended the BAD?
Hi newmama, Thank you for responding. Well I attempted working on the GOOD as soon as I found the DB book and read it which was in August. The BAD stopped really only after I moved out. It was hard to take that step and I admit I resisted the move up until the point it became near impossibel to do so. That was counter-productive too. The move occured at the end of October.
Hi Cutterbug thanks again. You know your sitch really has seemed to follow a similar trajectory to mine.
Well let me try to respond to some of these great questions. Well I moved out for two reaosn 1) The tension was really getting to be too much. 2)I felt that this was a 180 for me - trying to show that I was listening and putting her wants and needs above my own. Could be a really wuss move in retrospect but I was definetly in a different spot at the time. The kids of course miss dad and want me to be around.
Thank you for your words of support and understanding - I really have beat myself up over some the things I've done.
Yes - the EA really shocked me into action. The depression really centered more around my job/carreer and dealing with the death of a family member and then ta really close friend. I did become withdrawn and alot and learned later that depression can manifest itslef as anger in men. I've been dealing with through some medication/excerices and therapy.
No, I don't accept the FOG/BS crap- I only acknowledge those feelings.
I can see you and puupy's point of view on the whole friendship thing - but sometimes feel that if I choose to be less than that then am I not just repeating the same beahavior that led to somne of this? I could use some solid advise on this point. I agree about the respect and trust point and will weigh that heavily agains what I have been doing.
Hi Puppy, Thanks again. Well I can see you and Cutterbug's stance on this and will weigh it against what I have been doing. Maybe I need a 2x4 on this one.
I'm wondering how I should move forward at this point?
