Trying to move on

[ClingingToHope]

Before I left work I sent W an email saying January 16 would be a good day to hammer out an agreement. It's her weekend with the girls so I wouldn't be losing time with them.

If it's going to happen I might as well get it to happen as quickly as possible. It's going to take her time to get the money to pay off her share of the debts.

I know the DB rule is to make the WAS do all the work for a divorce. Well W is so set on divorce being the answer for her that nothing I do will make any difference. All she's focusing on now is saving the money to file. If I fight it or delay it I'm just going to make things worse.

I don't believe D is the answer but the only way she'll learn is to live it.

As for me, the longer this goes on the more I don't start healing. I need a lot of healing. I'm not sure where this ranks on the pain scale. The Saturday after I moved out was the worst. The day I found out W was at the county fair with another guy -- showing she was moving on and not just sitting at home -- was really tough. The day after Christmas, going through withdrawal.

I'm just rambling. I really hope a year from now I can look back on this and smile -- a survivor.

Right now, I'm watching my girls play with the Wii fit and just dying inside.

You know what really hurts? The fact that the pain is all mine. W seems so happy and content. I still, deep down, feel I am the one for W. She's so hard to get to know, reserved, every guy she went out with before me would date her until they got what they wanted and then move on. She's been used multiple times -- so perhaps she's permanently damaged.

I remember when we were dating there were a couple of times that I thought we were about to break up. She was just so hard to read.

One time in particular I remember we were eating at a restaurant and she was telling me she was considering moving north to a city 90 minutes north. I didn't react right away and she looked at me and said something along the lines, "so is that it for us?"

And I said, no, I'd move north with her.

Maybe it's because I've had the hots for her since I was 18 and I never thought I'd be lucky enough to go out with her, but I was in with both feet. I overlooked a lot of stuff early on. Over the years it came out -- and maybe that played a part in all of this -- but the truth is I still feel the same way I did when I was 18. Maybe now it's like it was when I was 18, I was scared to ask her out then. I never thought she'd be interested. And now I can't have her again.

You want what you can't have.