Keep Moving Forward

[BeingMe]

Well, it's 2010! Last year was full of surprises, good and bad.
-I loved having all my family together during the summer.
-My D22 gave birth to another grand-daughter.
-I have disliked the process of removing my tumour. I have an appointment next Monday to find out the result of the latest MRI. This is after 6 months of chemo after having radiation after having a biopsy op. I hope and pray that it's gone and that this year will be a tumour free one.
-I did well in all the courses I took in 2009.
-D17 got her gliding pilot wings. So proud.
-I have come to realize the wonder of life and how I love being here on earth, with my children and grandchildren, with all the beauty that surrounds us. I definitely choose Life.
-No change in the marriage, unfortunately. I think I will be leaving my H, one way or another, death or divorce. Sad that we could not get it together. But, he is still uncommunicative (except his job and discussing the kids), we ML once last year, I think he's still lying about OW (I don't check because I don't care anymore) and he isn't as supportive with what I am going through as I would like him to be. I guess, I shouldn't expect too much. Usually, I would make jokes about the tumour, or laugh at the treatment (radiation was a hoot), and that is my way of dealing with it. On the very rare occasion, when I tell him that I am frightened, or hate the taste the chemo leaves, or anything negative, he tells me not to feel that way. Good grief! How should I feel? (It would be nice for him to say, "I am sorry that you are going through this frightening disease," and then give my a hug and say, "I am here for you". Wouldn't that be what a loving H would say. He's not mean when he says "don't feel that way", just totally unaware of how it makes me feel. Sometimes, I tell him not to tell me how I should feel, but he doesn't get the underlying hint. Ugh! It's causing stress in me, and D17 and I had a huge fight the other day because I felt she didn't understand that I was feeling down, and could she just leave 'it' alone. But, it's not her journey, its mine and she shouldn't have to be the brunt of my frustration.

So, I think I shall be leaving the M. I just need to get this disease under control, and then I'll be able to deal with other issues in my life. I don't think H cares one way or the other. It'll just be a matter of logistics, and letting the kids know. I am drained, emotionally. I don't feel romantic love for him or from him --- I care about him, like I would a brother or really good friend or as a child of God. But, as a H, I just don't see it anymore. The last 5 years of my life has been a waste of time, marriage-wise, but I try not to be regretful of my choices. I did get to go to uni, and meet some lovely people, and my daughter has done so well here. Happy my S22 stayed here, but sad D22 went back. This disease showed me how well my S22 and D17 coped with the seizures and taking care of me when I couldn't. Although, I hate that they had to do so, since I am quite an independent person. H did not get to see the worst of it since he travels a lot for work. But, he did see my worst seizure in the emergency room, after one I had a couple of hours previously. Quite shocking to him, but I was out of it, so was unaware.

I wrote a poem from the perspective of a person having a seizure, so here it is (sometimes I think this is what my M is like, and definitely when the bomb dropped):

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The Fit

A voice whispers my name. I turn
and the world shrinks into a whirl,
only the centre is clear.
This is the vortex of my aura,
around which I know that
a seizure is near.
I rush to safety, before the attack.
Suddenly, my body is ripped;
torn in two, one side lame,
the other jerking in electric spasms.
And before the darkness closes,
the two I became, come face to face;
and,
I,
die.
Grasping air, I come out of the fit.
Concerned faces surround me, asking,
“who are you, what is your name?”
(To gauge my clarity.)
Who am I? I have no clue,
I am confused, until
slowly my mind clears.
I taste blood in my ragged, torn mouth,
and realize what had happened.
Quickly, my hand gropes my groin.
I am distressed, ashamed,
of wetting myself, but I sigh.
This time, triumphantly,
I am dry.
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So! This year, I pray for the absence of the tumour, further good health for myself and family and friends, continued good results at university, ability to be independent, clarity as to what my next steps will be, and inspiration. Please Lord, give me the inspiration to know what to do, angels to guide my feet in the right direction and wisdom to know what to say.

Take care everyone --- and I sure do hope and pray for the same for y'all as I do myself.