Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[SoldierDad]

Puppy,

Agreed. I read, and re-read it all day today.

Kinda put things in a much deeper perspective for me, and kind of guided me in my efforts towards my M.

I am going to continue to DB, and continue in my efforts to salvage my M.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Tulsa,

I want her to know that I am here for her, but then I walk a fine line in that if I do that, it could show her weakness. SO, what does one do with that?

Also, I struggle with just sitting here on my hands, tape across my mouth as my W carries on in at least one inappropriate relationship. It is hard to just LET her do that, and sit by idly, as the "good husband" and NOT think of myself as "weak" - you know?

SD,

I think you let her know that you are here for her when she is ready to do the work necessary. She clearly isn't ready to do that right now.

It would convey weakness if you were to be supplicating towards her while she was still actively cheating on you, and disrespecting her boundaries. Letting her know that you are willing to suck it up, forgive, love unconditionally and do the hard work of reconciliation -- when she is ready -- does NOT convey weakness, it conveys character and strength.

Many, many people confuse "unconditional love" with "doormat-without-boundaries." It is entirely possible -- and NECESSARY -- to demonstrate unconditional love and forgiveness, within a framework of healthy boundaries.

Do you not love a child unconditionally, while at the same time not allowing them to use obscenity when speaking to you? Do you not love a spouse, while simultaneously not allowing them to berate you in front of another couple?

Those are just two silly examples, but I think this is where you're getting hung up. Us men have a REALLLLL hard time with the whole "schmuck factor" thing, and it really rears its head when there is infidelity involved. We don't like to be made a fool. But if your "standing" for your marriage is PART OF A PLAN -- YOUR plan -- then who's the schmuck here? You take a position of "Yes, I am, at the moment, deciding to stand for my marriage, even though my wife is having an affair and is refusing to admit it and work at the marriage, but I have made this choice to do this FOR A PERIOD OF TIME, and I will hold out as long as I can, all the while trying to lay out and enforce healthy boundaries for me and my children. My wife is an adult, I cannot control her, and I'm praying that she comes to her senses soon, before my love for her fully runs out, but I can hold on for "x" months and I will do so, to the best of my ability. This is MY decision, this is MY stand, and I am doing it with boundaries, legal/financial protections for me and my kids, and for a finite period (uncommunicated to spouse -- just tell her "I won't wait forever") of time."

My wife asked me both during -- and after -- her affair, why I was fighting for her. Why I hadn't kicked her out immediately. I told her:

- because I took a wedding vow, before God, and I took that very seriously. It was not "for better or for better yet," it was "for better or for WORSE";

- because I loved her, and we had a lot of shared history together;

- because I didn't want to demonstrate to our four children that when things get tough, you cut and run. You make a stand and fight for what is important to you, for as long as you can, to the best of your ability;

- because if the situation were reversed, and I had say a gambling or alcohol addiction, I would hope that she would do the same and fight for ME;

- and because I didn't want to go to my death bed with REGRETS, that I should have tried harder. If I was going to err, I was going to err on the side of trying to save my marriage and keep my family intact.

When you lay out (and maybe even write down), what YOUR OWN reasons are, and give yourself an internal deadline (6 months, one year, whatever) . . . then I think, as a man, we can feel like WE are executing a plan, and that we're not being a "schmuck."

Does that make sense??

Puppy

[SoldierDad]

Perfect.

Thanks again Puppy.

[SoldierDad]

Ok,

It is 0200 in the morning and something woke me up. I check my e-mail and W has sent me this:

WOW you really think calling ... HQ and filing a complaint about OM would work you are so dumb as I told you before OM and I are JUST FRIENDS…… I can’t wait to be divorced from you. I really can’t wait

We all know this is the same "friend" she kissed, bought her a ring for X-mas, and flew to Dallas to see over x-mas.

Now, the kicker is, I NEVER called or wrote his HQ. What I did was, I researched marriage records, and found out that he was M. I merely sent his W a message, via Facebook, asking if she was OM wife, and if so, to please respond to me. This was last night. She hasn't responded yet.

I guess she asked OM who I was, and what I wanted - I dunno.

I can tell my W is HOT though.

Thoughts?

[TrentC]

I can tell my W is HOT though.

Thoughts?

Let her stew.

Ignore those emails once it becomes obvious that she's only spewing venom.

And she says "I can’t wait to be divorced from you. I really can’t wait" -- so does that mean she has filed? I've lost track...

[SoldierDad]

Trent yas she filed in December.

Do you think I did the right thing contacting OMW? I mean she still hasn't responded to me, but it is obvious she has said something to OM, or at least asked some questions.

[TrentC]

I don't think it was necessarily a bad idea, but given how far gone she is right now, I don't think it will help.

Even if OM let her go, she'd find someone else to punish you (and herself) with.

[SoldierDad]

Agreed,

But Puppy and others have said to contact OMW in these sitch's.

All I did was contact her through Facebook, ASKING if she was OMW. She hasn't responded to that request. But, Now, I firmly believe that she is OMW, and has asked him if he knew me, or what I wanted.

I believe I established my boundary, in that, I WON'T SHARE YOU WITH ANOTHER MAN.

I dunno, I STILL haven't told her or anyone at his work ANYTHING!!!

[SoldierDad]

Also, should I respond to her e-mail in any fashion?

Thanks.

[Virtually_Handsome]

I wouldn't.

I think, personally, that you are focusing way too much on the affair, or non-affair, or whatever it is. It's distracting you from even looking at what you can do for you. Yes, Puppy does advocate affair-busting, but even he says there is a time for it. And not everyone agrees that it is always the best thing to do. For him, it worked. But there is no guarantee.

You say you set a boundary. But a boundary is only going to be effective if you are willing to back it up, and if the other person is interested in respecting it. In your case, you are not ready to back it up, and she is not interested in respecting it. So it ends up being a threat with no teeth, that only ends up making you look weak.

From here, it looks like she knows she can mess with you, and she is taking full advantage. And you are biting; hook, line, and sinker.