New to this Community seeking advice

[MichelleLT]

It's not the time since she left that matters.

As you said, it's the time since you stopped pursuing, started working on yourself, that has made the impact on her.

The time she's had to see your changes.

You left things in a very different place this year. And that's probably a very good thing.

I think you have been pretty successful in reducing the negative emotions between you and your W. But have you rebuilt a friendship? I wouldn't say so.

What are your goals right now??? And I don't mean staying M, R. What are the small goals? To talk X times a week? To talk about something other than the kids?

R talk will be detrimental. It will probably force her to air her continued doubts - to justify why she is still S from you. Maybe it will even push her to file D again (since she probably has some guilt over dragging things out this long). Your lunch invitations were probably okay, but they were pursuit in a way, so you don't want to follow up your return home with something much more openly pressuring.

Any "R" talk you have with her might need to be an apology. A letter perhaps. Apologizing for your part in the M difficulties, expressing understanding/empathy of why she felt she had to leave, expressing how much you miss her and the kids, and expressing a desire to work on the M, but also saying that you want her to be happy.

I can only imagine how hard it must be to be home again. To miss your kids. To want them back to badly. To want to do something NOW to move things along. But understand, if you rush the timeline, you probably will rush into D. Probably, not certainly. You know your W better than the rest of us.

She may need/want to hear that you still want to work on the M. Or it could completely backfire. And none of us are very good at mind reading.

Think about it for a couple days.

You will not be D in 48 hrs. So sit on it, mull it over, and think about what will get you the best results.

[JR09]

You are right Michelle. How do I go about initiating friendship? Since our only communication is through the phone, how do I do that? Do I send letters by mail? Gifts?

I know the question may probably be easy for some to tackle, but I have to say I really don't know how to initiate friendship again. Probably because I've been stuck in the whole hurt, pain mode all those months. I never thought about initiating friendship. But it does make sense. You can't be lovers unless you are friends first.

Anyway, what could I do to start that phase?

JR09

[MichelleLT]

Gifts are something you send to someone you are already friends with or dating. That might be a bit much right now. (Although I have to ask if you used to send little gifts or flowers, and/or if she ever expressed a desire for you to do so?) But friendship is based on connection. On conversation.

What do you do with your friends? Do you send cards for birthdays? Cards or texts for holidays?

Steps towards friendship would be increased communication about mundane things, daily life, hopes and dreams. The conversation would be more relaxed, chatty. Conversations would probably become more frequent and longer.

But there's a very fine line between pursuing friendship and pursuing her.

You can feel her out, try a 180 like a letter or phone call, but you would need to be in a place to do it with no expectations.

Letters are good for things that may take more time to absorb, that she may want to re-read. Phone is a good way to built instant rapport. E-mail or text is a good because there is less pressure, it's more safe.

The best part about DBing is that it's about what works. What works for you, and what might work for your R. There is no formula, even though there are trends. Change the things that aren't working, and continue things that work - that's the basic thing. Brainstorm solutions, test them out.

[JR09]

I've been reading posts dealing with detaching. I think that's what I've actually been doing for the past 2-3 weeks. I still stick to my calling schedule with my boys. But I don't stress as much anymore about whether my W will call or what she is doing.

If she calls, Great! If she doesn't, that's OK too. I am trying to get to that place where the end of the story, good or bad, will still find me doing good. My wife called before the christmas holidays and talked about refiling after the holidays. Maybe a year ago, just the words "filing for D' would send shivers in my spine and haunt me for days and days on end. I'm not like that anymore. I hope she doesn't refile. But if she does, I think I'll still be OK. The thought doesn't scare me as it used to.

I still love and miss my W with all my heart. But truly, there is not much I can do other than maintaining what I've already been working on, being a good father, being loving and understanding to my W even if she spews venom over the phone. The rest,I think, is not up to me anymore. Is that what detaching is all about? The thought that I'm OK regardless of the outcome.

I noticed that I don't post as much anymore either. Maybe I should. But there seems to be no really sense of urgency to post or vent on a daily basis. Maybe I'm too detached? In any case, My W hasn't talked to me, called , or given any sign of life since I gave the boys back to her on 2 JAN. Maybe she's also thinking, gathering all the info from the boys, considering her options. All speculation on my part, of course.

But I'm OK today. I hope for the best. Praying for a softening of my W's heart. In any case, I am in a good place for now. No more mega crying moments asking why. I do get crying spells now and then, but not as intense as they used to be a year ago.

JR09

[MichelleLT]

The thought that I'm OK regardless of the outcome.

That is it exactly! And you will be! Because when you know you will be okay, no one else is responsible for your happiness - you are!

You are getting to a very healthy place. It's totally normal to still have some sad days, some triggers, but overall you sound great! You have come a long way. Congrats!

Keep up the great attitude! It will help you in every part of your life, and it is much more attractive to W.

[JR09]

Michelle,

How will my W know if my new attitude is attractive if she hardly talks to me?

JR

[TrentC]

Michelle,

How will my W know if my new attitude is attractive if she hardly talks to me?

JR

When she does talk to you, she'll notice.

When mutual friends or family members comment on your new attitude, she'll definitely notice.

[MichelleLT]

Because you aren't calling her. You aren't hanging on to those little bits of contact you have anymore. You are being independent, confident, and you are okay. That shows. It shines through in the little contact you have. And you talk to your kids, and I'm sure they comment on things you guys talk about sometimes. Trust us, she will notice.

How she reacts is up to her, but she will notice.

It shows through even in your posts. We all notice.

It's great to see.

[JR09]

Trent,

You are right. I'm sure she noticed on the phone how I react to her. I never lose my cool,always comppsed , on my very best, and loving.

As far as family members and friends, maybe they contacted her on their own and reported about my changes...I don't know. I sure hope though. But whether they did comment or not, I have maintained my changes.

I'm OK. Thanks Trent.

JR

[TrentC]

As far as family members and friends, maybe they contacted her on their own and reported about my changes...I don't know.

You have no control over that. If it happens, it happens.

And it's not about "reporting back to her"; the casual, offhand comments are going to mean more anyway. "Hey, I ran into JR09 at the post office; he's really looking good!"