my W doesn't regret her affair

[futureunknown]

Thanks for all the responses. I am doing better now, but wow, I guess I'm not as strong as I thought. This really hit me hard.

She only became nicer toward you because you were dutifully following her exit plan. Once you stood up for yourself, and refused to share her with another man, the niceness disappeared . . . am I right?

Her niceness disappeared when I dumped her. I was never quite dutifully following her exit plan. I have been essentially dictating all along what I would and wouldn't agree to regarding our legal separation, but I've also been fairly obvious that I very much wanted her back. She was mostly cooperating with my terms in mediation, as she just wanted to get it over with. I seem to have pushed too far though, and now she's saying "F*CK IT, if he wants to be an a**hole, I can be one too". I don't think she in any way sees my being tough in mediation as a way of fighting for her or my M. She sees it as me being a bully and trying to punish her for betraying me.

This is a very common mistake that betrayed spouses make. They misdiagnose their wayward spouse's "niceness" as an indication that they are on the right path, rather than measuring it by things like:

- have they ended their contact with the OM/OW?

- are they doing The Right Things in their marriage and in their family?

- are they now agreeing to things like counseling (MC and/or IC), Retrouvaille, etc., whereas before they refused to?

- are they making demonstrable moves back toward the marriage and the family?

And then when we spot naivete, and advocate a stronger stance (including exposing the affair, getting legally and financially protected, not moving out of your own home/bedroom/bed, etc.), the wayward spouse gets angry, and spews "NOW YOU'VE BLOWN ANY CHANCE YOU HAD!"

. . . and the betrayed spouse things that "Well, now I've made a big mistake. My wife WAS being 'nice' to me, and now she's not, and so I must have really blown it."

Yeah, I was mistaking her niceness as indication she wanted to reconcile with me, although it was more her continued reaching out to me that did it. Her texts and calls out of nowhere, her inviting me to do things with her and the kids, the times she seemed to genuinely enjoy being with me.

But no, she didn't do any of the things you listed, except I believe she did break off contact with OM, although she gave me no way to verify that. She did also want to read the book "Love Without Hurt" when I mentioned how much it meant to me. Her mother told me her A was over, although she said it was OM who ended it. When I talked with my W a few days ago, she said the reason she was avoiding me was that she is broken hearted, and she didn't think it was fair for her to lean on me when she was in that state. She said she had regained some feelings for me, but it wasn't very strong, and that I needed to be much more patient and let her go through her grieving without pushing her. She said once I bullied her again in mediation, she said that was it, her feelings for me are gone, and she's done. I agree, that's probably BS. She wouldn't be acting quite as vengeful as she is if her feelings were truly gone.

I am feeling like I was actually on the right track, but that I made a wrong move, and now I've just done more damage.

I know her words sting, but she's never really agreed to your boundary ("I won't live in an open marriage") . . . has she?

Yes, her words do sting. I'm shocked at my reaction to her proposal. She never really did agree to my boundary. She said she was done with OM, and that she wasn't INTERESTED in dating anyone else. That's not nearly the same thing as saying she would remain faithful to our M, is it?

I do believe she was considering returning to our M, but only if she could do it on her terms, and without really being held accountable for her A. She said I haven't owned my part in all this, which is complete BS. I have poured my heart out to her owning my failures. She said I will never forgive her for what she's done, and I'll hold it over her forever. She said she aplogized (she did?), but that it wasn't enough for me, nothing ever will be.