still reeling from discovery

[SusanA]

Ten years ago, I went through what many on this site are currently going through. I fought for my marriage, learned a lot about myself. WHen my h decided to return to the marriage (he never actually left the house), he wouldn't go to counselling, wouldn't give up having lunch or dinner with his EA (I had also suspected a PA in addition to the EA). A year or so later, he was cool and distant, not interested in sex, and I suspected it was another EA. He stopped any approach to me, and to be fair, so did I.

Three years ago, he announced he was leaving in a counselling session (only reason he went was to tell me this). I decided to not push or probe, just let him have his angst. Last year I said he either had to get back in the marriage or leave by Jan 1, and he chose to stay. But still no sex. On the first day of school this year, he said he was leaving. This time he did, Nov 1. Before he went however I hired a computer forensics guy (perfectly legal).

What I discovered was pretty shocking: affair during my pregnancy 10 years ago, that continued for a year or more (not the same person as the EA, either). Affair 7 years ago. Affair 3 years ago. Affair last year and that's the one he left for. However, in the four years between affairs, he was cruising gay sites, and meeting men in the afternoon for casual sex, coming home, plopping his butt down in the chair to eat dinner with his family.

Does anyone else have any experience with this? Is there anything I should be thinking about re children and their exposure to him?

Susan A

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Sorry, but this one's above my pay grade!!

Puppy

[newmama]

Are you done with him? Are you asking about what to tell the kids? Please clarify and I'm so sorry this happened to you.

[SusanA]

Hi Newmama,
I'm not exactly sure what I'm asking for. Possibly whether anyone has dealt with this as a component of mlc. I'm also angry that he's pretending that this is all about his being unhappy and concealing the OW (he'll never reveal the bi-x stuff, and I wouldn't want him to our children).

He was still wearing his wedding band til I asked him to remove it(but he's pretty Passive Aggressive so it was maybe to annoy me).

What do people do about telling their kids there is an OW, and how old is appropriate to do that? One poster here said they insisted their h tell his parents about the mistress.

I guess I'm also asking for verification that is is just so far gone as to be no hope (altho one friend of mine says where there is God there is always hope!)

[wifeleft2009]

very odd IMOP lots of maybes here (closet Gay, Bi, MLC or even was abused as a child, or???) some sort of mental illness seems to be what is screaming to me

I would say He has not fully found what he needs to find and is sill going through a big life "C" of some sort

So... have you kicked him out yet? Have you read the books here (DB and DR?)

Do you want to give up? Are you ready to take your own path?

[SusanA]

Yes, he's gone -- he left Nov 1. At that time, I had no idea about the secret life of the past several years. Well maybe an inkling but not complete knowledge. I did the usual -- we can work this out, please forgive me for whatever it is that's made you angry with me, the door is open, I love you and we have something good here (we did, actually, which is part of my disbelief).

Bottom line is I still love my husband. But would I want to be married to him now? No, I don't think so.

Looking back, he's gone through a series of crises in the 23 years I've known him, starting with when I first met him -- massive anxieties, and doses of xanax, some counselling which he ended about a year into our R. His crisis of ten years ago was probably more of the same of that. I suspect he may have had some gay encounters during that crisis, which makes me feel a little queasy knowing I was pregnant with our d. (I've since had tests done, negative thankfully, but we hadn't been intimate for about 7 years.)

Can people change enough to overcome something this huge? Could I ever be with him if he did? Possibly, but probably not. Not that he's itching to come back, mind you.

I guess a big thing right now is the disbelief I feel that I was either so blind, or didn't want to see, and what that says about my judgment. I've always been very perceptive, shrewd even, about people. But this one escaped me. Now when I look at our photo albums, I keep wondering who was this man? I guess that's common.

I'm also a little paranoid about his motives now. For example, he rented Death at a Funeral when the kids were over. (for those who don't know it, it's hilarious, about a dysfunctional family gathering for the father's funeral and the end reveals that the male dwarf who arrives and nobody knows was actually the father's lover.) We'd seen it before, and didn't realize the ending, and so I'm wondering what the motive was for renting it for our 16 y-o s and 10 y-o d.

Does anyone have experience with how much you tell kids about the WAS sexual behaviour. My inclination is NOT to ever say anything about the bi-s, at least until son is in his 20s and has some emotional equipment to deal. But what about the OW? (she doesn't know about his bi aspect) Do you tell kids that dad left not because of me, but because of him? This is more than just my ego, because 10 y-o d is already wondering what he's looking for because she sees me and can't figure out what's wrong with me that dad would leave.

As for me, I'd just like the whole mess to up and leave and for me to go on to lead a Mitford life (a la Jan Karon). Yes, highly realistic, but one is allowed escape from time to time.

[chatterbug]

I think if I was you. I would end this marraige. Life is too short to put up with this abuse.

[newmama]

"Dad didn't want to be married anymore."

[SusanA]

Thanks for your replies cutterbug and newmama,

Yes, it was abusive, in a very subtle way.

As for the kids, I made my h tell them right from the get-go that this was his decision, that he was unhappy (he added that it was the marriage made him unhappy), and that he didn't love me anymore.

If he turns around and marries his OW (which he may or may not, and since he's a commitment phobe it may never happen), then he would appear to like being married, and he certainly likes many of its perks.


If I tell them that Dad isn't happy, but it's within himself, do you think a 10 year old will get it? (She was also the one who came back from the movie Where the Wild Things are, and said the moral of the s tory was you can't run away from your problems and eventually you have to come home, and when her dad emailed to ask about the movie, she said it's too complicated to explain, dad, you will just have to go see it yourself, so maybe they're more perceptive than I give them credit for.)

Anyway I do digress.

As one friend of mine says, you can't fight a rearguard action, and you cannot control what he will say to them. All you can do is move forward and make sure that the home you create is one of light, love, contentment as a stark contrast to the "darkness" in which he lives.

Be not transformed by this world, but by the renewal of your mind, proving the will of God what's good, acceptable, perfect.
Paraphrased from Romans 12:1-2

[chatterbug]

Smart friend. But you can control what he says to them when your around.

I believe children need to know the truth, not the details. They also need to know you have tried. That this falls solely upon H's shoulders.

10 years of this.

7 years of being alone while with someone.

You need to drop the rope. And build the best life for you possible free of all this. What is best for you is best for your children.

He needs help. I see you have tried. He needs to help himself.

This is for you.

{{hugs}}