Your divorcing spouse is consistent. Has always been. Now it's seen without the sun, rose colored, blackout etc. glasses. She is who she is, how she is and how she's always been. Just a fact.
Reread what Kettricken's post. It's perfect.
Your divorcing spouse will continue doing what works for her until it doesn't work anymore. But this is her ball of wax, not yours.
All you can do is be the dad, be the father, let them know you're not going anywhere. Drop the rope and let her ride out into the sunset, hang herself with it.. whatever.
During my divorce I kept wailing about the effects on the children, the loss of the family, their father absenting himself almost completely from their lives (and feeling he was the best father at the same time). It was about him him him and how his actions were going to hurt hurt hurt my/our children in the long run. It was a very difficult lesson to learn that..
.. my children have to develop their own relationship with their dad.
... I cannot make him a better father or do those things that ensure a lasting positive relationship with his children.
... I am not here to fix, absolve his actions, fall on the sword for him. But I'm here to support, to listen, to provide an example of how to keep trying on being a better person, be the mom.
I was shocked to discover my own nit within the father/child dilemma. My own fears came up masked as concerns for my kids. That's when I dropped the 'what about the children' flag and faced the reality.
In an ideal world, divorces wouldn't happen, couples would turn toward each other, work through issues rather than ignore, slide, go along get along and dogs wouldn't eat homework.
I was lucky. Divorce smashed a sense of reality into my fortress of denial. And it sucks. It sucks for the kids. I felt devastated for almost a year and half that I'd broken a promise I made by bringing the children into the world. That they would be safe, cared for and part of a whole family. Silly of me. I had to release my mea culpa. Seeing their mother tear up and gulp out the words of her regret did nothing positive (especially when the dad was living the life he always wanted without them).
I had to let go of my personal conflicts to try and be the best mom I could for my children.
You have no control over the collateral damage you fret about in relationship to your children and their mom. You don't have to be perfect, know it all, foresee the future.. be the shoulder, lap, the warm arms to cuddle into, the soothing caresses.
SP what ever the fall out is from MrsSP's imparting wisdom to themselves, having read your thread they will be safe, consistency doesnt mean two parents, one exceptional one can do the job of two, and boy you are exceptional!
MrsSP really should have bought a handbag rather than have children but then you would have been without the most precious thing in your life! It will take time but they will eventually see what MrsSP for what she is and I have to say that I dont think the word mother applies.. Regardless of what Mr Rabbit put me through I would never have coloured S21's view of him, or stop their relationship, or if he had been younger abandon him for weeks on end just to have my freedom, that ended the day he arrived and will always be my job description, wife, mother, parent!
You do your kids proud and they are lucky to have a dad like you! Excuse my 4c's
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
You're all right, of course -- I can't PREVENT. I just need to PREPARE. It's the old Army Operations Officer mantra -- plan for the worst, pray for the best, expect some outcome in-between.
N.B.: As it's used in German, a "Zusammenbruch" is catastrophic. In colloquial American English we've kind of denuded "catastrophe" of feeling (I blame Irwin Allen). But in German it's got the same resonance as one finds in the colloquial Arabic use by Palestinians of the noun, al-Nakba -- the "Great Catastrophe" (the founding of the State of Israel and the dispersal of the Palestinian population -- without comment on the legitimacy/validity of the interpretation, etc.). The news weekly Der Spiegel ran a 60th-anniversary of VE Day cover a few years back, and it had a photograph of a German soldier sitting with his face buried in his hands, amidst the rubble of Berlin, disarmed -- the headline was Der Zusammenbruch. The ending of the DDR -- East Germany -- is referred to as Der Zusammenbruch.
So it's more than just collapse -- it's Total Collapse. And that's why I fear it's looming out there.
@Gypsy and @Kett are correct -- this is who she's been all along, or at least part of it (I think the MLC is really exacerbating (highlighting?) certain of these characteristics). I knew it, but I was okay with it, because the way I conceptualized Couplehood, She has 100% of X and 50% of Y, He has 50% of Y and 100% of Z, and together 100+50+50+100 sum to 100 -- The Couple Complete.
Now that "we're on our own," as she likes to say," I confess to do fear the consequences of that missing 50%
And that's one of the really weird things about this stage of the Saga of Smiley's Person.
I was tidying up the kitchen this morning after getting Girl-Child's birthday cake in the oven and was replaying in my head a bit of the now-Usual Snippitude the soon-to-be-former-Mrs.-SP had snippily snipped at me before departing on her most recent Freedom Getaway (and don't get me started, lest I puke, at her enthusiastic ravings about going to Burning Man this summer -- she is so NOT Burning Man it's incomprehensible -- her idea of "camping" is taking a nap on the sofa in a suite at the Four Seasons).
"I don't know why you refuse to talk to me about anything but the kids. It's like I don't even know you."
Yeah -- that's right. And the gods know I don't know her. Or this manifestation of her.
But the weird thing is that I'm increasingly comfortable admitting to myself that, if this is who she "really" is, I don't really care to know her. This is not the kind of person I like.
And holy smokes, man, what a thing to admit! I mean, we met in 1987. That's a whole lot of Gone, that Gone that's gone, know what I mean? But this...creature...that looks vaguely like the person I knew? Blechh.
And though it's a topic for another day, this leads to another fear/concern of mine: How do I respect my own feelings -- negative though they be -- without allowing them to poison my observations about/references to/engagement with the mother of Themselves such that it doesn't impact THEIR observations/references/engagement?
It's Girl-Child's birthday today. Her mother is 8 hours ahead of us on the other side of the globe, so at the top of the 8 o'clock hour, when Girl-Child was getting ready to go to school, her mother was looking at 4 in the afternoon. With a laptop. And a world phone. And she's updating her Facebook, so there's connectivity.
All 3 of you may as well get used to her negligence right from the start. Your wife would only be pretending to be an attentive parent if she called. She could never maintain the pretense. The kids would just have to catch on later that she is self-centered and they are not her highest priority. They may as well learn it now and get used to it. That will not change. At least not for the better. This is why they have a good father. In fact, your wife chose you to be their father for exactly this reason.
"I don't know why you refuse to talk to me about anything but the kids. It's like I don't even know you."
Yeah -- that's right. And the gods know I don't know her. Or this manifestation of her.
But the weird thing is that I'm increasingly comfortable admitting to myself that, if this is who she "really" is, I don't really care to know her. This is not the kind of person I like.
And holy smokes, man, what a thing to admit! I mean, we met in 1987. That's a whole lot of Gone, that Gone that's gone, know what I mean? But this...creature...that looks vaguely like the person I knew? Blechh.
What I've come to realize in my situation, SP, is that my xH was really this person all along underneath, but had enough impulse control and common sense and self-control to appear more "normal." To fool me, and a lot of people. At some point, and it was sudden, the brakes came off and he was who he is now. That's MrsSP as well--no different, but the brakes are off and she's running with her impulses leading the way.
Quote:
the way I conceptualized Couplehood, She has 100% of X and 50% of Y, He has 50% of Y and 100% of Z, and together 100+50+50+100 sum to 100 -- The Couple Complete.
Now that "we're on our own," as she likes to say," I confess to do fear the consequences of that missing 50%.
Yeah, I can empathize with this fear of inadequacy. The thing is, I've expanded to fill the void and sometimes I'm now at 110% "on my own." And you have been, too. You just don't see it now. It's like one of those critters--I can't remember the species right now--that grows a new limb or tail if they lose the one they've got--you'll grow from this far more than you realize. And fortunately, you kinda had 100% in the parenting area--that's pretty clear--so no worries there. I absolutely understand the fear--every single parent has it--but it won't look so un-doable down the road, I promise.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
And though it's a topic for another day, this leads to another fear/concern of mine: How do I respect my own feelings -- negative though they be -- without allowing them to poison my observations about/references to/engagement with the mother of Themselves such that it doesn't impact THEIR observations/references/engagement?
Very, very carefully, and with all of the love and compassion that I know you will employ.
