What can I do to save my marriage? Help

[Sleepy]

You can't help a patient unless the show up at the ED first. You also couldn't help them if you didn't have the skills and training to know how to appropriately help the patient. W is the same. She has to show up. If we are healthy and they show up, then there are things we can do to help.

Thanks, you are right Wonderful. It's hard though. I feel that I haven't been there. Now, this approach tells me to pull back more. It's tough. I feel that she wants me to prove myself. Show her that I have changed and can be there to protect her, care for her, love her, and be a great parent to my kids.

Doc, you are playing with fire in relationships with other women. You are feeding your ego in a dangerous way that is contrary to your stated intentions. My advise would be to back off. Hope I can take my own advise.

I know. It seems like this gets a response from her though. I don't want to lead these women on either, but I can see how it could get out of hand really fast.
Thanks for helping me out in these rough patches I get now and then. GIMA's sitch got to me.

[working at it]

Robx, you are a guiding light for us guys who need to "man up" and not take the BS anymore. I'm in awe and I don't say that often.

Tridoc, I've been following your thread and we have a lot of similarities except my wife is not acting out as much as yours. I work in a hospital (informatics pharmacist) and put in long hours and know the long hours docs like you put in and get little thanks on the homefront or get paid back with an affair for your sacrifice to provide for your family. As much as I envy you getting the hotties coming on to you, I would refrain from going there. Flirt with them to build your self esteem & confidence but keep them in a holding pattern for later should the M fail. If you hook up and your W does pursue a D then you come off as being a cocontributer to the demise of the M rather than the innocent LBS. Let her shoulder all the guilt should this wind up in court plus you can look your kids in the eye and say I did nothing wrong other than not meet her emotional needs.

[Ready2Change]

She told me " when you go on this trip don't go overboard doing things with the kids" She calls me "Mr. Fun Guy". It seems like she hates the fact that I have bonded with the kids and they have responded favorably to me. She wants me to fail.

Hi Mr Fun Guy- Turn this up on the trip. You are the role model on how to have fun. It is OK to have fun and be responsible.

Here is my response to MsR2C when she brought up the "FUN PARENT" issue:

As far as your concerns, I am a responsible parent. I also enjoy life and let my kids be kids and have fun. I believe in Jim Fay's parenting methods. It is working well for our children. Sorry you disagree.

[motherof3]

Doc,

Word of caution: IMO, If you still want to work on your M then stay away from the HOT nurses. Nothing good can come from that.

BTW – After my H dropped the bomb, I had a little ‘nutty’ episode. Call it frustration, stress, anger, fear, shock, whatever. I was so worked up that H would not/could not answer any of my questions (this was prior to Dbing). I felt like nothing I could say or do would bring him to understand my POV. I felt like he wasn’t listening. So I grab his arm to get his attention. Things escalated from there. Nothing physical, but I sure did want to hit him just to make myself feel better. The worst part about this is I know that he would have just stood there and took the beating. I am not proud of this little moment, but it is what it is. So, yes, I agree with MF. We all can have moments of nuttiness. At the same time, I am not condoning your W’s behavior either.

[Ready2Change]

Hey, I will hit your questions to SC. I will answer based on my CURRENT understanding:

I was wondering. Do you think if I showed a copy of your first post to my wife she would get the idea that I understand how she feels?

DO NOT SHOW HER THE POST. Use the information to make positive changes to the way you interact with W. Show compassion. Balance it with all the other new tools.

Do you think this would make a difference?

No.

Do you think if your husband really knew why you were divorcing him

He did.

and had empathy, and understood how you felt that it would make you feel better?

He was not willing to make the changes required. He was doing it to save the M, not to improve himself.

Does it matter when you get to this stage?

No. All you can do is work on yourself and the way you interact with S and others.

Can you ever take your heart out of the box?

They will. They hurt just as much as we do. Time heals....

[mindfull]

Hey, Doc! Did you get some sleep? Aren't you leaving tomorrow? Let us know how it goes!

[TrentC]

Jesus said to turn the other cheek, but he didn't say you couldn't block a punch.

38 "You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.'
39 But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.
40 And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well.
41 If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles.
43 "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.'
44 But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,
45 that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.
46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that?
47 And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others?

[Sleepy]

Hey guys,

Thanks for the advice and input. I'm in the Dallas airport now waiting for my connecting flight to Cancun. I will update on Monday. I hope everything goes well and everything that I write will all be good.

[HHIF]

I've been following your thread and see allot of things that got my attention.

We have been married almost 27 years and have two kids we are not actually seperated but live like roommates in the same house.

We did share the same bed until recently when she said she wasn't sleeping well and was uncomfortable with us in the same bed.She talked about putting a bed in my office and sleeping there which I didn't want so I have been sleeping on the couch.

I am wondering if I should go back to our bed and if she doesn't like it let her go sleep somewhere else.

I am trying to be the nice guy and keep things as normal and calm as possible for kids sake.We get along great as friends and parents,no fighting and she isn't going out or running around,she just doesn't feel love for me as a husband and I know in her mind she wants to stay together until kids are gone(which at least 3 more years) and then get D and move on with her life.

I have been DBing working on GAL and do not force R talks of pursue her,she is just hard to understand.We eat meals together,we go to church together but we don't touch except every now and then when she is feeling horny she will let me know and I scratch the itch for her and then next day it's back to being friends and roommates.

I have been very patient and sometimes wonder if I should do more to force things or be more of a jerk.I am crazy about this lady and do want to save the marriage but right now we are stuck in limbo land.

I do think she has been and still is going through MLC and I still believe in my heart that she will figure it out and realize how blessed she actually is.

[Sleepy]

Read my tread. Get on this before it's too late. Move back in your bed and be a man. Read some books, win her back. You don't want to be where I am!