However, you will find that the above quote is your choice. There are guys, and quality guys out there, but you'll have to find them. If that's what you want. You can join groups for your GAL activity, and you'll see that there are plenty of fish out there. Find what you like to do, then start doing it, and you'll find single people who like to do the same, and you start to connect.
On you wanting on R.
Let me put it this way, if you were out looking for a quality guy, and happened to be perusing personal's and find the following one.
Quote:
Single and looking for love!
My qualities: Loves lying, cheating, drug and alcohol abuser, no money so you'll have to pay for everything, and doesn't like spending time with friends or family.
However, I have ladies lined up for fun, so you can be one of the people in line to service me at some point!
Is that someone your going to be attracted to, and reach out to for a date?
How about SO2 really starts looking at what she wants, in life, in love, for her and her family, and starts to do those things, for her and her girl, and stops wondering what ex is doing, waiting on him for contact, and loves life for her.
Keep smiling SO2, and I know you have probably heard this a few times already, but you are a great person, and worth having the best life you can live!
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
My qualities: Loves lying, cheating, drug and alcohol abuser, no money so you'll have to pay for everything, and doesn't like spending time with friends or family.
However, I have ladies lined up for fun, so you can be one of the people in line to service me at some point!
[/quote]
That is really funny....but also very accurate! I posted that on my bathroom wall as a rememberance when I am feeling weak.
I have made a list of chores I want to do when exh is here so there is less interaction between us.
I want to be happy. I want to move on. I want to have a life again!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
I want to be happy. I want to move on. I want to have a life again!
No one can hold you back from doing that but you!
You go kid! What do you have in mind? There's a whole open world in front of you full of your things to do with you, your child, and healthy happy people that you bring into your life around you!
Last edited by iwantittowork; 01/06/1007:56 PM.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
What do you have in mind? There's a whole open world in front of you full of your things to do with you, your child, and healthy happy people that you bring into your life around you!
Hmmm...Let's see! I want to be more social with and without baby. I really did enjoy getting out for a bit the other night. I know that being out frequently or for long periods of time won't fly right now, but a nice dinner or a movie would be fun. I want to hit more mommy group activities than I have been in the last few months. When the weather is nice I feel better and want to get out more.
I NEED to finish my online classes that I have signed up for. I can only do them when baby is sleeping, but need to carve out more time for that.
I want to have more of an open mind to really moving forward, possibly meeting someone and having another relationship. I know I need to get my head straight, but want to look forward to that. Who knows when or if that will happen but want to put my relationship with exh behind me and not get anymore false hopes no matter how hard he tries to reel me back in.
On that thought I need to have quick comebacks to his attacks when I pull away like I am now. He takes me not responding as I am ignoring him because I am pissed off at him. He will also get mad if I don't respond to certain messages about baby and need to be quick on my feet then.
So when people say keep it about baby only...well, that can mean I will respond to many texts per day. Especially on the weekends when he is a texting fool! I will get maybe 5 texts thru the day asking "how is baby?" "Give baby a kiss for me." "What are you two up to?" Do I need to respond to each and every one? If I ignore he will keep sending over and over and then ask why I don't respond. This is where I get real confused on what to do and where to have my boundary.
Last edited by Startingover2; 01/06/1008:41 PM.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Great! I like the list, notice most of it focuses on you, and that is good! Keep it up!
Quote:
Hmmm...Let's see! I want to be more social with and without baby. I really did enjoy getting out for a bit the other night. I know that being out frequently or for long periods of time won't fly right now, but a nice dinner or a movie would be fun. I want to hit more mommy group activities than I have been in the last few months. When the weather is nice I feel better and want to get out more.
Checkout meetup.com, I found a parents group there, and had lunch with them where the leader of the group was a single mom with 18 month old son, whom was at the lunch with us. We are making plans to do things with the group, and the kids. Some nice people you can meet with like interests of all types!
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I want to have more of an open mind to really moving forward, possibly meeting someone and having another relationship. I know I need to get my head straight, but want to look forward to that.
I understand that, but make the focus on you right now, and making you the best you can be. The rest will work itself out as you do. It's what has been key for me to focus on, and I realize I am so NOT ready for a relationship as I fix up my own 'house' so to speak. You WILL find other people in your life, when you accept that you WILL, you can then focus on the tasks of doing the things you need to make yourself better, and have fun. You don't need anyone but yourself to do these things, and then when you have found and are the real SO2, you'll be ready, and know it.
Quote:
This is where I get real confused on what to do and where to have my boundary.
This one is going to be up to you to decide, to me it is way to much for him to be doing this 5 times a day. I don't speak to my STBXW at all, and I am fine with that.
You'll have to stick up for yourself and tell him to stop it, and you won't respond anymore. You'll need to mean it, then cut it off, and yep he will get mad, and stomp around like a little kid. Too bad for him. You can't react to him if he gets mad, that is not your problem it is his.
Only you can stick up for you in this sitch, and stop him bullying you. It will be tough, painful at times, tearful, and hard, but you can do it, if that is what you want.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Checkout meetup.com, I found a parents group there, and had lunch with them where the leader of the group was a single mom with 18 month old son, whom was at the lunch with us. We are making plans to do things with the group, and the kids. Some nice people you can meet with like interests of all types!
The mommy group I belong to is a meetup group. All younger than me, and all married but its something to do.
Originally Posted By: iwantittowork
I understand that, but make the focus on you right now, and making you the best you can be. The rest will work itself out as you do. It's what has been key for me to focus on, and I realize I am so NOT ready for a relationship as I fix up my own 'house' so to speak. You WILL find other people in your life, when you accept that you WILL, you can then focus on the tasks of doing the things you need to make yourself better, and have fun. You don't need anyone but yourself to do these things, and then when you have found and are the real SO2, you'll be ready, and know it.
I meant more of not keep having that hope that exh would turn around and be this magical guy with remorse and a new attitude. I want to let go of that dream and look forward to possibly something new in my life someday.
Originally Posted By: iwantittowork
This one is going to be up to you to decide, to me it is way to much for him to be doing this 5 times a day. I don't speak to my STBXW at all, and I am fine with that.
You'll have to stick up for yourself and tell him to stop it, and you won't respond anymore. You'll need to mean it, then cut it off, and yep he will get mad, and stomp around like a little kid. Too bad for him. You can't react to him if he gets mad, that is not your problem it is his.
Only you can stick up for you in this sitch, and stop him bullying you. It will be tough, painful at times, tearful, and hard, but you can do it, if that is what you want.
This will probably be the hardest to do. He seems to think that I need to respond to every text because its HIS daughter and he has a RIGHT to know where she is and what she is doing 24/7.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
No, he doesn't have that "right." He is intruding into YOUR life at this point. He has a right to know that she is loved and safe (she is), if she has a medical or educational issue at any time, if she is going to be out of state for any reason... I can even see him getting on the phone (speaker phone if needed) to talk to her once a day, maybe say goodnight, even read her a short story - THAT is a connection that may be meaningful to her at this point. The other stuff is just controlling you. You don't work for him; you are not the daycare provider (and even a paid provider would get pretty pissed if they got 5 phone calls during their watch!)
Divorce is hard in parents - but that is life. I can't imagine calling my x up to 5 times a day when the kids are with him to ask what they are doing or to "kiss them for me." Yes, mine are older - but it is HIS time with them. I don't want him infringing on his time with me, either.
Now, I understand that your x screwed up and has supervised visits - guess what, HIS consequences for his choices.
Maybe you can have your cell plan changed (or just suggest that it was changed): "Sorry ex, I can't accept text messages anymore - you'll have to use email or call with emergencies only, besides this one time a day that I can make sure that baby is available for you to talk to on the phone."
Ugh, I know that you still have deep feelings for him, but he is just a messed up controlling creep from my vantage point. And you deserve SO much better!!!!
DF is saying exactly what I am trying to convey to you. Great post DF, you rock!
Quote:
The mommy group I belong to is a meetup group. All younger than me, and all married but its something to do.
Age is just a number. That group I met up with was late 20's early 30's, but who cares! They were nice, we had a nice meeting, lunch, had fun with the kids, and looking forward to meeting up with them and doing stuff together with my d8 and they and their kids. That's what counts!
Quote:
I want to let go of that dream and look forward to possibly something new in my life someday.
Yes. Let it go. Let go of the outcome. The 'dream' you have is not the man you had in reality. But that dream man could be out there. You won't find him until you let go of the vision you thought you had, and work on the new SO2, and her goals and plans.
Quote:
Maybe you can have your cell plan changed (or just suggest that it was changed):
I was going to suggest this too, and you DF response is perfect. You don't owe him anything, including reasoning for doing the things you want to do.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
I took baby to run an errand and head to the park for a bit before exh's visit time. We were only 5 minutes away. Exh sends a text 30 minutes before his visit time.
Exh: Going to swing by right now to see baby before I have to pick up d15. Me: We are not home right now, but will head that way. Be there in 10 minutes. Exh: NEVERMIND! Me: Well, if you want to come by please give me some notice.
Our papers state that he is supposed to call and let me know when he will be there. He has a 3 hour window to see baby and for the most part I am home during those hours just waiting. I am not doing that anymore. I won't go far so I can get back, but sitting here waiting on call seems to cross a boundary for me! It was also 30 minutes before the time anyway.
Now the fear kicks in. I don't want to ever be accused of keeping her from him or canceling visits. I am hypersensitive to that now as MGF said that is what exh said all the time...that I would cancel his visits. I never have! He is such a liar. I do have a very detailed journal of visits and times and hope a judge would believe that.
So...I stood up to him and not let him cross a boundary. Feels good and scary at the same time!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Good on you!!! How is offering to be available 20 minutes BEFORE his scheduled time keeping him from the baby, though?
I understand your fear - but as long as you are available according to the court documents, you are BETTER than good!
An even better response? "X, we're not available until the scheduled time this afternoon." Then followed up by your excellent point for more notice for REQUESTED changes. And just because he asks, doesn't mean it works for you every single time.
He is in for some adjusting - but you will be SO better off for it!
