Yeah, I think it would have been a good idea to ask if she needed any help first, run later. Or, tell her, i'll be back in 30 minutes, Ill help you put them to bed or get dinner started. It is still a partnership, and she needs to know the benefits of being in a partnership. What would have been controlling from her is if she said, absolutely not, you help me, you can go on a run tomorrow. Then, I would have said see ya after my run. lol.
Well, doing what I wanted didn't get me the result I wanted. So you are probobly correct. In a way, she was testing me to see if her anger could control me. It does, but not in a way apparent to her. I mean, she could have said, can you help me with the kids first. One of my biggest problems is that I would silently stiffle my wants to make her life easier, then, I would develop resentment for ignoring my needs, she would not be any happier which would cause me to nurse more resentment. So in a way, I was showing her that I was breaking that cycle. I think I was asserting a boundry through conduct. Typically, when I assert a boundry, she gets angry. I am kinda beating myself up now. Things were going well and now she is pissed.
Well, doing what I wanted didn't get me the result I wanted. . . . Typically, when I assert a boundry, she gets angry. I am kinda beating myself up now. Things were going well and now she is pissed.
Wonderful,
You're right to be moving away from doing things based on whether or not they will make your wife angry, and placating her, but you're NOT supposed to be doing them based on "what I wanted." You are to begin doing them based on "What is THE RIGHT THING TO DO in this situation? What is the thing that God Himself would have me do, if He were standing in front of me?"
A common mistake for new DB'ers is that they swing wildly from old pleasing/placating/'Mr. Nice Guy' behaviors, into selfish, irresponsible ones. Yes, begin to learn to look out for your own interests, but do so from the "Right Thing to Do" perspective.
Puppy, I see your point. Thanks. I recall from reading your thread that you ask that question of yourself. I will endeavor to keep that same question in the forefront of my mind.
So what do you think? Where to I go from here? Where did you go after the "withdrawal" phase? Part of me wants to step in to fill that void. IC says to give compliments, don't pursue, and listen. Part of me thinks in my situation, some form of indirect pursuit may be beneficial. What worked for you in this phase?
I found it really helped to focus on her primary love languages. Hers are "quality time" and "words of affirmation," whereas mine are off-the-charts "Physical Touch" and WOAs. She told our MC that I had been on my laptop one nite, and she initiated a conversation with me about her career, and I actually folded my screen down, set the laptop on the table, made eye contact with her and LISTENED to her for 20 minutes. She actually CHOKED UP when she related this story to the MC, telling her how much it had meant to her!!!
And it really didn't take that much effort (not that I'm not willing to make the effort, I'm just trying to make the point here) -- just spoke to HER LL, instead of MINE.
I too found it helpful to not over-pursue. Every time I begin to do that, my wife pulls away again.
You're right to be moving away from doing things based on whether or not they will make your wife angry, and placating her, but you're NOT supposed to be doing them based on "what I wanted." You are to begin doing them based on "What is THE RIGHT THING TO DO in this situation? What is the thing that God Himself would have me do, if He were standing in front of me?"
A common mistake for new DB'ers is that they swing wildly from old pleasing/placating/'Mr. Nice Guy' behaviors, into selfish, irresponsible ones. Yes, begin to learn to look out for your own interests, but do so from the "Right Thing to Do" perspective.
Puppy
This is so true. I think if we think about it this way, THE RIGHT THING TO DO, we will come out ahead.
Me:49 W: 41 Kids=D14/D14/S10 Married: 15 Together: 16 Bomb: 08/26/09 Currently: separated but in the different houses.
Puppy makes an important distinction here. One poster thought a good 180 might be to come home drunk because he never does that. Puppy says it well, when you make changes, you do it because it makes you a better you. So, that would disqualify the getting drunk idea, among others.
Got a leason in pursuing today. I called her once. She didn't answer. I awnswered her third attempt to return call over a one hour period because it was convenient for me. I told her I didn't have any reason to call, just had the urge. She was dismissive. Funny, she calls three times to my one but still rejects me. This is interesting.
Amazing, she is still angry because I ran for 30 minutes last night. I have thown her many life preservers but she continues to flounder about.
