Spouse Suffering From Depression

[Getting old]

Thx

[Lucky11too]

So H and I had lunch yesterday (positive in the sense that he initiated it). The problem is that throughout lunch, he kept taking jabs at me, ending with something like “b/c you left me” or “I bet you’re regretting leaving me now, huh.” Then continuing to push me about how I don’t know where he lives and how he will never tell me. I think it’s just a control issue, but super annoying. I just ignored him b/c I know he loves to push my buttons and get a reaction out of me. It was just frustrating though.

So interesting point # 2, H is going to get a tattoo today. I hate tattoos and think they are disgusting (no offense to anyone who has one here – just my person preference). He got a big one on his left arm a couple of months ago for our S (an anchor with S’s b-day on it – representing that S keeps him grounded), but this time he is doing a full arm tattoo! Ugg. It’s going to be an owl on top of a time piece on one side and an angel reaching for heaven on the other with the saying “Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars”- Kahlil Gibran. I’m glad that he picks things that have meaning to him, but really, tattoos??? And now’s it like, even if we do get back together, tattoos are permanent!!! =/ It’s not a deal breaker b/c really, I know, it’s just skin deep, but still, just not very attractive to me…

I know I need to stay in the now, but it’s hard not to think about the future. I think about how much there is to overcome still. This was highlighted to me when we went out on New Years. I met all these people (his new friends), and realized he has this whole new life that I know nothing about and am not a part of, and don’t see how I would ever fit back into that new life of his. It was all very eye opening.

[Lucky11too]

I've been very pensive about where I'm at right now. We kind of rekindled a intimate relationship and H made a comment the other day about how b/c the sex is good, he could see us "possibly" working out some day. Bizzarely, this set me back. Just from his words and actions, it comes off as he would be doing me a favor to come back to me. It goes back to his whole dissolution that I am solely to blame for the demise of our M b/c I left. He has no faults. Really? The problem with this is that if he did nothing wrong, then there is nothing to fix and we go right back to where we were R wise (yes, he is getting help for his depression and I can definitely see the improvement there, but I'm talking about the R skills and how he treats me.) I think if I'm truely honest with myself, he was never a great boyfriend, fiance, husband, (always has been very selffish!) but I always fooled myself into thinking that once we got married, then once we had a family, that he would step up to the plate and things would change. Now, unless there is a miracle (which is always possible, but not necessary likely since God works in his own ways & timing) things won't change. I don't ever see him being able to sacrifice for the good of his family and give up the going out, the drinking, the late nights, his "girl friends." It will be a fight for the rest of our lives! He's already started the bargaining process - "well, if we get back together, I don't want you to give me a hard time about going out with my friends every week" [which means going out, partying, and coming home drunk. No, not doing that again!] I want him and I want our marriage to work, but I need to make sure I don't just settle again and before steping back into the M, make sure that he is ready to be the husband and father that he should be. But in reality, I honestly don't believe he'll ever get there...how long do I continue to play this game with him...when does it change from me being faithful in God's plan to me just being naively hopeful...

[awest1217]

I would say since he is making strides on the depression end keep giving him time. REmember he is making steps, and to get to the drinking, relationship, and all the other problems; he first needs to get over the depression part. I would say keep things as they are, but make sure you aren't getting too attached (my mistake). Maybe it is time for a R talk when he brings up marriage, that you want to "date" him again. See him take you out on romantic dates and get to know each other again. Also you may want to set a boundary of no talking while drunk. That may help him to realize that now and later you won't tolerate the drinking.

As things progress and he pushes getting back together, let him know that one condition you have BEFORE you decide to leave your parents is marriage counseling. Bring it up that it is for both of you to be sure neither falls back into the same patterns. This will help you and him to learn to communicate better and he can learn to not always put himself first.

Just some thoughts. Believe me I have no idea what to do, and I just now found some much needed clarity (not the answer I wanted, but God knows what is best ) in my life. So some things to ponder.

[Lucky11too]

I know. I have to give him that chance. It's just hard when I'm losing my optimism to keep on fighting. I probably still know how this is going to end up, but as long as he is still making progress with his depression and going to therapy, I have to give him a chance to prove me wrong.

That's definitely a problem too - getting too attached. I can already feel it happening. I feel myself wanting to recoil completely as a sort of self defense mechanism. He's not giving me anymore than an physical relationship at this point, but it's already causing me an emotional attachment.

I've been thinking about something lately. At H's company holiday party, one of the new girls was trying to get all over H and trying to seduce him. H squashed it (and in good news he told me about it otherwise I would have never known) but what I keep thinking about is our next part of the conversation. I asked, "well, doesn't she know that you are married?". He responds that yes she does, but that the appearance of everything isn't particularly positive - we're separated, he lives with his co-worker, etc etc. Wow, he's right. He would come off as fair game to an outsider looking in. Right now, I do not exist - his FB and MS have no mention or pictures of me, no pictures on his phone or work locker, etc...I do not exist! I am just the "ex-wife" as he has referred to me before. That's understandable given our situation this past year, but now that we are "trying" to make things work, I should exist. (even an "it's complicated" relationship status on FB). And if he still wants to be 'available' to other women by in appearance being single and available, then I don't want him having sex with me and so-called trying to work things out with me. Is that a reasonably request? I wish he would choose to acknowledge me without having to ask for it but that's probably asking for too much.

I 100% agree about MC. I look forward to that day when that discussion comes up b/c that means we have progressed to the point where H actually wants to be married again. I just hope by that time, he'll be willing to do whatever it takes to make our M work, including MC.

I'm just trying to continue to draw my strength from God and pray that he'll give me the clarity and the strength to do what I need to do according to his plan. It's just so hard not knowing what the future holds...

[awest1217]

I would say you are doing great. Do whatever will help you! I personally think you need to stop the intimate relationship with H because he does need to acknowledge you as his wife. On one hand this might be keeping him from getting physical with someone else, but he should keep himself because he loves you and right now it kind of seems like a boyfriend who tells his girlfriend, "I am going to leave you unless we have sex". Sorry. If you are getting attached and want to set a boundary, you should set the boundary. H might leave and then you know that he was in it for one thing and you can move on. Believe me harder said than done! Maybe give him a pic of you and S to put up at work or next time together see if he will take a pic on his phone. Feel him out, but you really just need to do what is best for you. Not him!

[Lucky11too]

So I've been trying to figure out what to do. I need to push things forward in a positive direction just a little bit b/c I know H, and he would keep things like this forever if it were up to him, but that isn't good or healthy for me. I've been thinking about how I want to approach it and these were the options I was thinking about (trying to keep it positve, but not being pushy):

1) Mention to H to bring it up to his therapist next time (who is also a MC) on what she thinks we should do next and the goals we should have to move our R over the separation hump (it meets my goals, but gives him the power)

2)Feel him out on giving him a picture to place in his work locker or encourage him to add a pic or relationship status to his FB(and relate it back to his story of how we don't "appear" to be together so he doesn't think I'm just being pushy for no reason)

3) Encourage him since we are trying to work things out that we should set aside one day each week to spend time together (like dinner) with or without S on either of his two days off - Weds or Thurs.

In positive news (a first in a long time), I went to pick up S yesterday from my MIL's and H was there! (one of my goals!) We went back to my house and made dinner and it was just nice. He was very appreciative for dinner (which like I said before was one of my gripes b/c he never ever appreciated anything I did for him), so all in all, a good night. Now if we could continue to do this every week (as in #3 above) that would be such a great start to moving forward.

I still struggling with fighting my fears though. Assuming we can get over the depression/drinking, and that's still a big IF, I know H has a very different values system then me, (I put famiy first, he puts money/work first) so I'm putting myself out there, but it's very likely that I'm going to end up hurt. But on the other hand, nothing ventured, nothing gained...

[rr22]

I don't see how this different values system thing is going to work out without major compromises on one or both of your parts. Not to sound judgmental, but it's not the money/work part that's the problem with your different values. It's the flirting/drinking part of his money/work part. It doesn't seem like something that you are ever going to be comfortable with enough to let your guard down maybe. You should talk to a counselor about this maybe. I'm not suggesting you're in a position right now to set limits or rules with him, but maybe it's time for you to decide for yourself what your final bottom line and dealbreakers are. Otherwise, once he gets home you will grow more resentful if he continues these same behaviors. Just a thought. I wish you well. You do have incredible patience.

[awest1217]

Lucky it is so hard to know what to do. I have no real advice this time. I just say do what you feel is best for you. After what happened to me at New Year, I hit rock bottom, and it took me being pushed down so low and beat down that I finally pushed back. I don't want you to do the same thing. Find what you want for you and do it. Don't let H keep pushing you around.

On the positive, he is hitting some of the goals you had written down so although it is slow, and knowing that you have been at this a year already, however getting over the depression and the sleep apnea will take some time. You are seeing some good progress so although i encourage you to set your limits, you also need to make sure you look at the progress he is making.

[Lucky11too]

So interesting events yesterday. H texts me that he has the night off (super rare for a Friday night) and wants to spend it with me! Just to come over and watch movies and relax! Wow, 1st Thursday and now Friday and all initiated by him! I already had dinner plans for my friends birthday but I invited him to come along since it was a mixed dinner. He said he wasn't comfortable yet hanging out with my friends again yet (yes, they all hate is guts for what he's put me thru, but they would have been nice still), so I we agreed to meet up for a movie night when I got home. So everything went as planned, I got home, we met up, watched a movie, and then H stayed over since it was so late. It was great, but then reality sets in again. I so enjoy his company and waking up to him in the morning but then I'm alone again. I think it's good to spend that time together to just enjoy each other's company and remember why we fell in love again (or at least I hope that passes thru his head once in awhile). It got a little icy this morning when I got up at 6 (after 4 hours of sleep after our movie ended) when S woke up and my dad on his way out to a church event, tells me icily, "why don't you get H up to help you with S. It's his son too. you don't want to start a precidence." Yes, I get that. But on the other hand, I wasn't going to work later that day. I could go to sleep early at 8 when I put S to bed. H still had a full night long shift in front of him. Plus, with H's sleep apnea, he gets so little real sleep as it is, he needs all he can get to survive right now. I don't want to be an enabler, but on the other, you got to have some compassion too. I was a little annoyed at my dad for being so harsh.

So going back to the values system mentioned above, I completely agree RR. That's why I continue to feel hestitant about our future. It's not a compatible values system especially under the circumstances given as you say the flirting/drinking environment. I need to really think about what I want and need b/c I know it could come up at some point. If anything goes back to or continues as it is, I know I will feel resentment and our R will blow up again. I'm just not sure how to work around it yet or if its even possible...

So trying to just stay the course for now. We have been making small progresses this week in regards to H's initiation of contact (very cool!), so trying to continue with what's working, and although I don't know what going to happen next year, next month, or even the next day, I'm just trying to keep positive...but still definitely trying to figure how in the world this thing could ever work it's way out...pondering...pondering...

Oh, almost forgot the most exciting news to report!!!! Made my night last night! =) H just told me OW is moving back to her home town in 2 weeks!!!! (which will be about a good 2 hour drive away instead of a 2 minute drive away). Adios!!! hahaha. But my friends had to ground me and remind me that she is not the problem, she is just the face of the current problem. True, true...but still, good bye, good bye! =p