I posted in the newcomers but needed advice

[chatterbug]

This will be my last post as I have deeply hurt someone with the words that I have posted on here. I never meant to hurt anyone. I am a good, honest person and I have a huge heart. I would never want anyone to feel like they were not a good person. I think I said it quite a few times about how I feel responsible for many things that have gone wrong in my marriage. I re-read my posts the other night and I did say very nice things about my H despite some of the negative things that I said. The truth is when you are hurting you say things that you do not mean. I thought I was trying to save our marriage. I thought I was trying to do a good thing. Turns out the only one I can save is myself. If that makes me a manipulative fake person than so be it. I have been a good wife. I have been supportive, understanding for the most part, I have been there whenever he needed me. I listen. I am hurting alot. I love my husband..I do not like the way he has treated me but I do love him otherwise I would not be there trying to save my marriage. I miss the way we used to be and the things that we did together. I want to start a new marriage with him but I am starting to think that I cannot fix it anymore. I have done my part and I am going to keep trying to save it until well until...I am working on forgiveness, sincerity and most of all trust. I want to be someone he can talk to. I feel sick to my stomach right now and I am not sleeping again. Why? Because I know I have hurt my husband deeply. I know that by coming here and posting and following the "rules" I have destroyed our marriage instead of fixing it. It is hard to live with myself right now. I feel SO guilty and I hate that feeling. I feel guilty because I hurt him by posting those things. I just wanted to stop the pain I was feeling. I know I am a strong person but I dont feel very strong right now. I feel sad. Sad that this man that I have loved for so long is ready to toss that all away and for what? I mean really. What is the reason he hates me so much? This board has helped my in so many ways..it is not about the "rules" or being manipulative..it was more aobut changing the things that were not working for me. I did not follow any rules because if I did I would have followed them MUCH better..this is about a wife loving a husband. But today..as I sit here...I can honestly say that this is now about me. Making me stronger and better all around. Not tolerating someone making me feel badly about myself. I am STILL going to try to save this marriage. Why? Because I believe in us and I believe in him. But I am not going to beg or grovel any longer. The ball is now in his court. This is his choice and his decision. If that is not good enough then maybe one day it will be good enough for someone else.

If I may offer a suggestion.

keep posting. But only for yourself.

You hurt him by coming here for help.

Consequences.

He is now pushing you out of one of your support groups.

How did he find out?

What did he say when he read them?

Now is not a time to isolate.

IF YOU NEED TO STAY HERE. NEW NAME. AND KEEP IT AWAY FROM HIM.

This is none of his business. Until your both ready.

Now is not the time to isolate yourself.