my W doesn't regret her affair

[bluerain]

Happy New Year Future! I hope that you have a great time with the kids! Who cares WHY she wanted to stay home with D, maybe it was manipulative. But, your right, you cant worry about exactly why when you have the chance to have a blast with the other kiddos!

I have heard that there was some kind of Yamaki Vs. Yamaha debacle, and obviously Yamaki lost, dont know if its true. They are really nice guitars though. And whats still nice about them, if you have a good luthier, even one thats a little beaten up can be fixed and will outplay most other guitars... I guess Im a fan

[futureunknown]

Things haven't exactly worked out the way I wanted.

I spoke with my W a couple days ago, and she said my behavior has convinced her once and for all that she's done with me. She wants to get the separation done, and this morning she gave me a proposal which includes her taking more care of the kids, getting more money from me, and here's the kicker, she says she's going to be spending time abroad, and she's going to take the kids with her, for up to 3 weeks at a time. She is not bluffing. I think when I "dumped" her, she went running back to OM, and is now convinced he is where her future lies.

I don't know if my actions caused this, or merely exposed what she wanted all along, but I am a wreck.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Future,

This is all standard walkaway/wayward SCRIPT. The "NOW YOU'VE BLOWN ANY CHANCE WE HAD!!!!" is heard in probably 90-95% of everyone's sitches when they take a strong stand.

Your response should be a simple "I'm really sorry you feel that way. I will discuss this all with my attorney, and we'll have to let them work everything out."

Everything she says she wants -- more custody, more child support, longer (and distant) custody -- will have to be worked out legally. YOU HAVE RIGHTS. 3 weeks at a time, abroad, ain't gonna happen, unless you have Soupy Sales as your atty (and I'm pretty sure he's dead).

Puppy

[v1olin]

I agree with Puppy! It is time to play hardball with the legal side! If you dont think your lawyer is tough enough find one that is! You can do this!

[CityGirl]

Prior to this was the plan mediation? I would calmly let your W know due to her new proposed plan you no longer will be participating in mediation and any future proposals should be handled between the attnys.

Her asking for more money to support her overseas jaunts WITH your children is unacceptable.

I can relate to being a wreck after receiving a proposal that is nothing short of ridiculous. While it is more costly at this juncture you need a very skilled attny to fight for your rights as reasoning with her will not be productive.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I don't know if my actions caused this, or merely exposed what she wanted all along . . .

Future,

When you first came to us (at least your first post on THIS very long thread), you characterized your marriage as a "mess," and your wife was still carrying on what you described as "a torrid affair." She traveled at least 3 times to go see him, was openly flaunting her affair, and showed NO remorse for her actions.

She only became nicer toward you because you were dutifully following her exit plan. Once you stood up for yourself, and refused to share her with another man, the niceness disappeared . . . am I right?

This is a very common mistake that betrayed spouses make. They misdiagnose their wayward spouse's "niceness" as an indication that they are on the right path, rather than measuring it by things like:

- have they ended their contact with the OM/OW?

- are they doing The Right Things in their marriage and in their family?

- are they now agreeing to things like counseling (MC and/or IC), Retrouvaille, etc., whereas before they refused to?

- are they making demonstrable moves back toward the marriage and the family?

And then when we spot naivete, and advocate a stronger stance (including exposing the affair, getting legally and financially protected, not moving out of your own home/bedroom/bed, etc.), the wayward spouse gets angry, and spews "NOW YOU'VE BLOWN ANY CHANCE YOU HAD!"

. . . and the betrayed spouse things that "Well, now I've made a big mistake. My wife WAS being 'nice' to me, and now she's not, and so I must have really blown it."

I know her words sting, but she's never really agreed to your boundary ("I won't live in an open marriage") . . . has she?

Puppy

[v1olin]

She is hoping that you will beg her to stay so that she can have the chance to turn you down...yet again. Dont do it! Hold your ground!

[soleil]

I spoke with my W a couple days ago, and she said my behavior has convinced her once and for all that she's done with me.

You already know that's a cop out. Your behavior didn't push her in which way. She is responsible for the choices that she makes, just as you are.

If she wants the separation, tell her that's fine and make it as amicable as possible. It will seriously mess with her head. Trust me.

[Gnosis]

Future,

I agree with what the others have told you.

She's rattling her saber to punish you. Previously on FutureUnknown (channel 258)

WAW: I want to hold off mediation until Jan
FUN: No! Not this time! I won't bend!
In mediation... FUN sticks up for himself.

WAW thinks... SH!T That SOB won't toe the line anymore. That A$$HOLE!!! I'm gonna rip him a new one! I'm gonna kick him where it hurts. Where can I do that? What are his fear? YEAH!!

So my friend... this is called spew... you've gotten the hissy fit... just not the way you expected it.

i.e. You've been busy shredding apart her "wonderful fantasy" of being able to do whatever she wants. Now she wants to do the same to you.

It's called Emotional Blackmail!!! Get back in line or else... See?

Hold the line!

[Gnosis]

Things haven't exactly worked out the way I wanted.

Um... haven't heard the fat lady farting yet...

she said my behavior has convinced her once and for all that she's done with me.

BS on the behavior. She's twisting this around to guilt you for her decisions. This is why she wanted to delay and have "a peaceful holiday" before. It's called blowing smoke up your a$$.

She wants to get the separation done, and this morning she gave me a proposal which includes her taking more care of the kids, getting more money from me,

Yeah, right... talk to my lawyer.

and here's the kicker, she says she's going to be spending time abroad, and she's going to take the kids with her, for up to 3 weeks at a time.

Over your dead body! If I'm mistaken you can put in legal papers to prevent her from doing this. Your excuse: "You're afraid she won't come back"... i.e. if she does this she faces charges of kidnapping. Look this up. Speak to your L.

She is not bluffing.

Neither are you!

I think when I "dumped" her, she went running back to OM, and is now convinced he is where her future lies.

BULLSHIRT!! The OM has always been there... he never left her thoughts. If I'm not mistaken, isn't this around the same "mating season" when she went over there the last time?

I don't know if my actions caused this, or merely exposed what she wanted all along,

Probably what she was going for all along.

but I am a wreck.

Words are usually empty, and I'm not belittling the anguish you feel, but pull yourself together. You can handle it.