Hi - thanks for satying with this thread and asking. I have to admit, my mind thinks differently every day about this situation as it continues along. I am "all over the place" in my thinking. Currently - my thoughts are (subject to change at a moment's notice...) - I was asked to leave our house three months ago but I stayed and will continue to stay. I was asked to leave my bedroom and sleep elsewhere, which I have been doing for three months (sofa). Yesterday - my wife cam home from visiting her parents in Florida for a week. Once home, she said we needed to talk about $, and we talked for 30 seconds while she checked her email on her blackberry and didn't give me the courtesy of eye contact. My older daughter (21) walked in from work and so that conversation ended, and thats that. I have to say that relationship aside, I feel like I am nothing to her if she can't even take 2 minutes to talk to me about some common $ issues/bills. It made me feel worthless. I am thinking for the first time that I want to be separated/divorved from her. She continues to put texts, emails, facebook as a priority. I kept my cool yesterday but after sleeping on it - I am boiling today with anger. She told me Xmas night that she doesn't know what she wants, but she thinks she wants to date (second time she has mentioned dating). So - I guess I am just ANGRY today. She has said she has felt this way for years now, so how long should I wait? Right now, I am thinking of moving back to my bedroom - letting her sleep on the couch if she can't stand my presence. I am also feeling that she should leave and go find what it is she wants, and leave me with my daughter - but I know she won't. Normally, I avoid confrontations like the plague and look for peaceful resolutions, but today I feel really pissed and ready to blow my top. I guess I'm not doing too good......
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
Tom, I feel your pain. I go through these feeling changes every day myself. One minute I feel a glimmer of hope the next I feel I'm by myself. Sandi2 I agree with you about FB...my wife started an account 11/2 years ago and that is when I felt a change...most of my problems started because of my depression but now I know the past 12 months with W's feelings have been accelerated by an EA and now she admitted to a PA...I have been reading as much as possible...but I am still very mixed about this 180 I been doing without much headway.
Me 56 W 47 D17, D15,D15 Married 28years, in divorce 3 yrs Bomb 8/20/09 Separated 3 yrs
Yes - I started the 180 myself - and I know it will take time if it indeed does work. I'm a bit calmer this afternoon - so doing ok. I will continue my 180 - I will continue to work w 23 yr old son on his continued recovery and his eventual exit from the house - and I will continue to spend time with daughters 21, 11 and enjoy as much as possible. I am really starting to think in my case that my wife won't respond until house is sold, the family is separated into apartments, and the reality of the situation sets in. Maybe then - when all will appear lost - she will see what happened to a wonderful family - that had problems no doubt - but was strong, loving and living a life together. I don't know. What I do know Sandi is that I realized you were right - she didn't cheat me out of 25 years because they were all great when we were together in marriage - every second I will cherish. I'll continue my 180 and see where it goes. I have also decided to join a local divorce support group - that will start Jan 15 - make some new friends who have been thru some of this kind of thing - I need to turn the corner and do something for me at the moment.......
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
Tom, it's bad. Your middle age W is acting like a teenager who is so addicted to the cell phones & computers that they cannot talk face to face with anyone for five whole minutes! Got to take a call or see who is texting....or they are TM "while" you try to talk to them. It is the rudest thing, IMO, to stop in the middle of the conversation you are having with person b/c they rather see who is on the phone
Oh well, just another sign that she is not attracted to you at this time.....and she has found a whole new world out there in cyber land.....and that is what is making her feel alive right now. She has tuned you & the MR completely out of her mind. You are nothing more than a paycheck to enable her blackberry and other toys. I suppose you pay for it b/c I don't recall you saying that she worked.
So don't you think it is time to set up a few boundaries? She is talking about dating other men while she is still living as your W under the same roof as you? No wonder you feel disrespected! I think it's time for drastic steps. What do you think? Are you up for it?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Not up for anything today. Very depressed - big fight last night - lost my composure - she is giving me some legal seperation papers shortly. Don't feel like talking........maybe later......
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
Waiting for her to give me seperation papers - I am not going to sign them until I get a lawyer. She told me she is asking for 60% of my net pay - I have no idea if thats reasonable or not (doesn't sound reasonable to me...) in todays Legal world. I failed completely on my 180 this weekend - I fought a lot with her and lost my temper very easily (prior to this whole situation, I was known as a very quiet person with virtually no temper) so I feel myself becoming "unhinged". I am also going to see a Dr since I just can't stop crying one minute, yelling the next, thinking dark thoughts the next, then being OK with everything the next, etc., etc. I feel like a real headcase right now. Funny thing is today is the 30th anniversary of our first date together - I decided to buy a card to give her, but instead of the "i love you" type I bought a Thank You card and wrote in it that despite where we are in this situation, I wanted to acknowledge this day, and that despite where we are headed, that I still wouldn't trade the last 30 years for anything in the world and I thanked her for those 30 years. I thought it was reasonable to acknowledge the day at least, even if it means nothing to her anymore. Anyway - I am still planning to go to a support group this Friday night, and am looking forward to using that as a springboard to meeting some new people to talk to. Later.....
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
We sat down and talked for a short while last night. She will be giving me LS papers any day - so I will take to a lawyer. She said she needs to do this, feels no connection to me anymore. She also acknowledges that if the tables were reversed, and I had done this to her, she would be devastated and would absolutely hate me forever, so she understands all my feelings. I gave her the Thank You card for our 30 yr 1st date anniversary, she read it, said she doesn't want Thank You's from me, and threw it directly into garbage within seconds. I guess I knew that was coming, but it hurt anyway. So - next step is to see what papers say and see a lawyer. Still planning on going to support group that starts this Friday night, and seeing a Dr to make sure I'm not insane. Talk more later.........
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
We exchanged emails this morning - I initiated - I had to find out which bills she had paid. I made a comment that she abruptly cut our talk short last night and that it was rude, and she admitted it was, apologized, and said she felt like getting nasty with me (she didnt know why)so she got up and left the conversation. I told her that I needed the car Friday night for the support group because I was getting lonely and need some people to talk to. She responded she is lonely too and fighting that feeling. I am not sure if that is a break in the armor or a warning that she will hook up with someone once the LS papers are behind us - guess time will tell. This is definitely a roller ooaster ride - Coney Island anyone???!!!!!
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
Tom why are you not heeding the list of 180's? You give her a card for the anniversary of your first date! That is a no-no. That makes you look like a "sister" mister.
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I made a comment that she abruptly cut our talk short last night and that it was rude
And when you made this comment, did you not think it would lead to a R talk?
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because I was getting lonely and need some people to talk to.
Does this sound like a strong, self-confident man? Do you think she is going to swoon over you when you talk like that? She will never be attracted to a pathetic sounding whimp, if that's what you are trying to be. You don't want her to feel "sorry" for you, you want her to be crazy about you!
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I am not sure if that is a break in the armor or a warning that she will hook up with someone once the LS papers are behind us
Well, if you have to have it spelled out to you.....it's not a crack in the armor!
Tom, get yourself to a doctor and to a lawyer ASAP!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
