I don't know if my actions caused this, or merely exposed what she wanted all along . . .
Future,
When you first came to us (at least your first post on THIS very long thread), you characterized your marriage as a "mess," and your wife was still carrying on what you described as "a torrid affair." She traveled at least 3 times to go see him, was openly flaunting her affair, and showed NO remorse for her actions.
She only became nicer toward you because you were dutifully following her exit plan. Once you stood up for yourself, and refused to share her with another man, the niceness disappeared . . . am I right?
This is a very common mistake that betrayed spouses make. They misdiagnose their wayward spouse's "niceness" as an indication that they are on the right path, rather than measuring it by things like:
- have they ended their contact with the OM/OW?
- are they doing The Right Things in their marriage and in their family?
- are they now agreeing to things like counseling (MC and/or IC), Retrouvaille, etc., whereas before they refused to?
- are they making demonstrable moves back toward the marriage and the family?
And then when we spot naivete, and advocate a stronger stance (including exposing the affair, getting legally and financially protected, not moving out of your own home/bedroom/bed, etc.), the wayward spouse gets angry, and spews "NOW YOU'VE BLOWN ANY CHANCE YOU HAD!"
. . . and the betrayed spouse things that "Well, now I've made a big mistake. My wife WAS being 'nice' to me, and now she's not, and so I must have really blown it."
I know her words sting, but she's never really agreed to your boundary ("I won't live in an open marriage") . . . has she?
