What can I do to save my marriage? Help

[mindfull]

Doc, I'm still pissed off (for you) about her scheduling that trip!

My D18 is my H's StepDaughter. However, we've been married since she was barely 4, and he is her true "Dad". (D18's Dad and I divorced - alcoholism - when she was a baby.) It's hard enough, w/a divorce, etc... to maintain relationships. Your W could really become a pain if this is how she's going to conduct herself. My D18 hasn't seen her dad since she was 15 No matter if I like him or not, or if I think he's a decent influence or not, or if it was more CONVENIENT to not have to do the back and forth visitation thing... there will ALWAYS be something missing within her.

Your W needs to knock it off, NOW! Your kids are old enough/young enough to understand and absorb. Pisses me off.

Do ya think that struck a nerve?

[Sleepy]

Mindfull,

Thanks for supporting me. In some of Robx's earlier posts, he described me very well. I would have rolled over and let them go in the past. I would have thought, great, they are escaping the cold and will have a good time. I need to work and keep food on the table anyway.

My kids understand very well. They are all pulling for me too. They can't understand how she can be the way she is.

I worked most of the night last night, but I got 3 hours of sleep. 3 am to 6 am. I drove home and started waking my kids up for school. I speak softly and kiss them awake. My W came in and said what are you doing! I said they have to get up for school. She said they get up at 6:45! I looked at my watch and it said 6:44. That is what I am dealing with here.

I am off today and she is working. She softened later when I told her I would pick them up and she could workout after work instead of picking them up and taking them to their activities.

I'm at a loss. I just read smartcookie's post again. I understand why she is so angry. I understand that it will take time to heal, for her to take her heart out of the box on that shelf. I am at a loss to understand if detaching, GAL, and conversing with other women is the right thing to do. I want the best for my family and my M, but I don't think D is the answer.

Mindfull, you are there. Can you help?

[Lotus]

I have insisted that I will not be pushed from the nest. That frustrated her to the point that she physically beat me three weeks ago.

I don't know how forcefully she hit you, but this goes beyond the normal bounds of a marriage. She needs to go to counseling. You could file a police report. She would go before a judge and you could get him to require counseling. It's a lot of hassle and expense, but if she is a bullying you, the judge will put her in her place.

[mindfull]

TriDoc -

You don't want my marital advice! I'm stuck, and finally starting to get some courage!

But, I do know kids and family/parental dynamics. And, no matter what happens, you and your W have the responsibility to raise those kids responsibly, w/out a cloud above their head or a worry on their mind regarding what one of you may or may not think about the other parent. Don't let them lose their innocence in this.

I will give my H credit. He has been an amazing StepDad to my D18. He's ALWAYS made her feel like his own. And, he's a super Dad to our boys, as well. He always puts them first, no matter what... He's never hinted, even a tiny bit, about not being happy within the home, or let them see it within him.

And, for the most part, he's incredibly good to me. But, stuck is not a place to be, still...

Remember that...

I've seen Rob's "way" work many times in raising the level of interest. It takes courage. Some of us can carry it out; some of us can't. I'm not sure a negative reaction to it is all bad. At least you're not stuck!

[Sleepy]

Lotus,

Take a look back at my first post. Yeah, she got so pissed a few weeks ago, she hit me multiple times in the head and pushed me into a door and broke it. She hit me so hard she thought she broke a bone in her hand. I took her to the hospital right away and put it under the floro. I even got one of my hand surgeon buddies to take a look at it and got her in for an appointment without a wait a few days back when the pain just didn't go away. Funny thing, while we were waiting for the hand guy to get out of surgery to look at it she made it seem like it was such an inconvenience to her.

My therapist told me to call the police and I did. They came to the house and I just sat in the car and talked with them. I didn't want to file charges. He took a look at my house and said you obviously have provided well for her. He consoled me and basically said just let her go. She's a nut. "Yeah, thanks."

I wish I could get her into counseling. What does it take? I no longer ask her. I don't want to be a doormat any longer either.

I stand up for myself and tell her when she is out of line. I think she respects that now.

Mindfull,

You are a lot of help. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with health problems. That puts a big stress on your life and your R, but I'm glad things seem to be better with you and your H. Also, thanks for your kind words. They don't go unappreciated.

[robx]

Mindfull,

Thanks for supporting me. In some of Robx's earlier posts, he described me very well. I would have rolled over and let them go in the past. I would have thought, great, they are escaping the cold and will have a good time. I need to work and keep food on the table anyway.

My kids understand very well. They are all pulling for me too. They can't understand how she can be the way she is.

I worked most of the night last night, but I got 3 hours of sleep. 3 am to 6 am. I drove home and started waking my kids up for school. I speak softly and kiss them awake. My W came in and said what are you doing! I said they have to get up for school. She said they get up at 6:45! I looked at my watch and it said 6:44. That is what I am dealing with here.

I am off today and she is working. She softened later when I told her I would pick them up and she could workout after work instead of picking them up and taking them to their activities.

I'm at a loss. I just read smartcookie's post again. I understand why she is so angry. I understand that it will take time to heal, for her to take her heart out of the box on that shelf. I am at a loss to understand if detaching, GAL, and conversing with other women is the right thing to do. I want the best for my family and my M, but I don't think D is the answer.

Mindfull, you are there. Can you help?

Tridoc, I still hear in you someone who thinks that 100% of this is your fault.

Stop that.

Please.

She is an adult.
She has the responsibility of her actions.
If you relieve her of that responsibility, she's no longer an adult. We have free will. We choose to do what we do. We control what we do. We have power to act in ways we choose to do.

This morning she gives you heck for waking them up at 6:44am and tells you that you are supposed to wake them up at 6:45am, you look at your watch in disbelief because it's 6:44am, what if you watch was slow? Why do you allow that?

I know why.
It's just easier not to argue.
It's just easier not to stand up to a bully.
Less effort, nothing to gain from it right.

You think conflict is a bad thing and you take the higher road and don't engage in it.

Sometimes this is the right approach.

But right now your wife is trying to re-assert herself with you.
"I am in charge, what do you think you are doing?"
Read between the lines.

The next time she pulls that stunt, you tell her in plain english, "I'm their father, I know what time they wake up, that time is now and I'm taking care of it because I CAN. I have this situation taken care of, THANK YOU!"

Remember, if you can't stand up to her how could you stand up for her, don't necessarily focus on the words during this discussion, check out the body language and connection that's being established in the background.

Don't let her walk all over you, we discussed this already, you're not a doormat, you won't let her walk all over you anymore.

Of course she softened when you told her you would pick up the kids and she would get some personal time. Stop taking care of this for her. Why don't you focus on your personal time. Didn't you mention that you got 3 hours of sleep, what's up with that? Aren't you important? Get some rest, make time for you to go to the gym and let her figure out how to find her own personal time to go the gym. She doesn't like you, has an affair or attempted to have one and you continue to supplicate her with acts of kindness and good will?!

Stop.

Let her pursue you.

You know how to do that?

Stop pursuing her.
Stop doing things for her.
Stop making life easy for her.
She doesn't want that from you anyways.
She chooses to sleep in another room and she got angry at you because you "forced" her out of the master bedroom. She didn't seem to mind when she did that to you but it's an issue when the shoes on the other foot.

Look, I'm not telling you to be an a$$hole or a prick, I am telling you to stop doing things for her, stop chatting with her, stop doing things for her, etc. Act as if life is great and seriously why isn't it, get your personal life in first gear and moving in a specific direction and stand up to the bully when she gets in that mode and it doesn't require a brute force method either. She puts on the bully outfit, you stand up square in front of her, both feet pointed in her direction, shoulder width apart, hands hanging down by your waist, no hands in pockets, no crossing arms in front of you, no hands held behind your back and you look confidently straight into her eyes and maintain eye contact for a few seconds before saying anything - you haven't said a word yet but take a look at what this body language says to her, in a nutshell "I'm not afraid of you so you can stop this bully posing routine anytime soon".

What do you say to her?

How about....

"Just stop, this bully routine of yours is really boring, I've been taking this crap for years and I've decided I'm not going to be bullied by you anymore. Be nice to me or go somewhere else, I don't want this right now and I seriously can't even stomach looking at you when you're like this, you're so unattractive."

And then after you said this because to you, that's all that was important, you turn your back and walk away from her.

If she pursues you and wants to talk some more, make it clear to her, "if you want to talk to me, you will do it in a civilized mature manner and drop this bully routine otherwise nothing, that's my final word on this."

And that's it, no more discussion required, you leave the room, do something else and focus on you.

Let her get used to you not being bullied.

This isn't an overnight process but it will work, she will learn to respect you again.

As for GAL, conversing with other women, etc.
Remember... counter-intuitive, you're not used to doing this because you haven't had to do this and lets face it, you got comfortable with her treating you poorly for a long time and disrespecting you forever and you even got comfortable for a while not sleeping in your own master bedroom. Comfort isn't what you're talking about, you just use it to describe what you've gotten used to and alot of that wouldn't really be described as "comfortable".

Get used to being a real man, "comfort" will come in time.

[Cadet]

I am at a loss to understand if detaching, GAL, and conversing with other women is the right thing to do. I want the best for my family and my M

This is not a trick to get your W back. This is for YOU! There are no tricks that are going to get her back. DB'ing is not a trick it is a new way of life.

[mindfull]

My therapist told me to call the police and I did. They came to the house and I just sat in the car and talked with them. I didn't want to file charges. He took a look at my house and said you obviously have provided well for her. He consoled me and basically said just let her go. She's a nut. "Yeah, thanks."

Doc, we've ALL become THAT nut, to a degree, at some time. Even ME! One time, a little over a year ago, H and I had been out w/friends for the evening, and when we got back, I was feeling the impact (probably wine induced, although I wasn't drunk) of our situation. I tried to talk to him about it, and he wouldn't talk and tried to leave. I tried to get him not to leave, and was holding on to his arm. He told me to knock it off, or he'd call the police. I didn't. He did. He didn't press charges, but we both talked to them separately.

I sat out there, in the squad car, sobbing... telling them I was just trying to get him to stay, and listen to me. I just love my H, blahblahblah, crycrycry. I didn't hit him or anything, just held on to him.

The police officer had the nerve to say to me... "Listen, how bad can it be? Look at your life here... (motioning to our home)" I told him to F off, and went back inside, since, obviously, nothing was happening. H left, and cooled off then, and so did I.

I can relate to the nuts thing, though. Emotions can guide and rule you. It sucks, but they can. And, if you leave stuff bottled up too long, you could end up in that same seat as I was, having that same conversation...

Take Rob's advice. It's no fun to hold this sh*t in!

[mindfull]

And, seriously, get some sleep!

[Wonderful!]

Awesome post robx! I will put on my pants, stand up and cheer from atop my desk.