I posted in the newcomers but needed advice

[P17]

DBing is a very difficult thing to do. It tells us to get on with our lives and fake it if we can't. It tells us to do the very things that are alien to us either because of the people we are or because of the state our M is in.

It's not easy.

Your H is using every single means he can to get you to feel guilty and it's working. He needs help. He needs serious help. Counsellors. AA. Maybe other things. I do not believe he is going to come out of his self-pity party until he gets that. While that party is going on he is going to kick the host until she hurts - and you're hurting.

You don't like the way H is behaving but you are still putting up with it. You let help bully and manipulate you into believing that YOU are the person with the problems and YOU need to change.

I have news for you. You do have issues just like we all do. You're not perfect, just like none of us are. But neither is he. The difference is that you recognise that you are not perfect, have issues, problems, maybe even traits that you don't like. He doesn't. He never will while he can blame shift day after day after day. He does that because you let him. Because you feel sorry for him.

When your H grows a pair of b*lls and starts acting like man, let alone a human being, then you will have a chance to save your M. Until that happens I truly believe you are flogging a dead horse.

What I don't get it why on earth you think that by DBing you've hurt your H deeply.

And I have more news for you. Right now your husband is not 'a good person'. Stop thinking he is.

Turns out the only one I can save is myself. If that makes me a manipulative fake person than so be it.

BINGO - you're right. You can ONLY save yourself. By saving yourself you are saving your M. I fail to see why that makes you manipulative and fake.

I think what has happened here is you told H what you were doing (rule number 1 about DBing, you don't talk about DBing), he's saw the forum, save the nasty things you said (and probably justifiably said) and went in a huff and felt all hurt and upset.

GOOD.

Maybe it will wake him up a little.

But it didn't. He then put a huge guilt-trip on you. If anybody is manipulative in your R, it's him.

My advice, go hardass. Kick him to the curb. Get his a$$ out of your hair, house and life until he can stand up and be a partner that you want. Let's face it. If you met that guy today, would you even DATE him? No. So why the h*ll do you want him in your life?

I'm not going to apologise if that sounds harsh. I think it needs to be. You both need a wake up call and until you get it NOTHING is going to change. One of you is going to have to cut this vicious circle. It needs to be you as hubby is too busy manipulating you and feeling sorry for himself.