Here's a quote from a book I've read about a couple who were divorced 7 years. She had an affair for quite a while, came to her senses, then persued her husband for several years in hopes of reconciling the marriage. She committed adultery but she was also in alot of pain prior to it. They have a marriage many times better now because of what they went through. Here's the quote:
"The majority of people are so wounded by the betrayal that they can't imagine moving past the pain enough to allow for restoration. The hurt is profound, there's no minimizing that. However, God can do immeasurably more than you could ever ask or imagine. He can heal your heart, and he can ressurect your marriage, no matter what state it's in."
"God created marriage to be the foundation of society. The best thing we can do for ourselves, our children and our society as a whole is to preserve marriages. If you CHOOSE to give up your right to your ego and your pain and walk the road of forgiveness and grace, you are glorifying God and living according to His purpose."
"You are giving an immense gift to yourself, your spouse, and your children. If you allow God to heal your heart and bolster you with His grace and love, CHOOSING to walk the difficult path, you will never regret it."
This is your choice in what you decide to do. I believe it's wise to wait until you are truly, truly sure before you make a decision based on emotion. It may take some time to figure that out.
It is truly difficult for me, as I WANT to be sure.
I just don't know how much emotional damage I can continue to take. I knowGod won't give me more than I can handle, but I am feeling overloaded lately.
I mean, I think I should understand that when she reached out to me, there HAD to be a reason why - RIGHT?
She HAS to be hurt/confused/unsure/wary/ over everything. Is me being compassionate going to help her with that? I dunno. AND, if I am compassionate, does that indicate weakness?
I am NO ONE to judge another human being. That is left to my maker.
My only issue with this is: when do I stop fighting for someone that doesn't WANT to be fought for? And will I ever truly know if she WANTS to be fought for? I dunno...
Last edited by SoldierDad; 01/06/1006:40 AM.
"embrace the suck" - Coach "don't go all "Melty Man" on us" - Puppy Let Go and Let God Finally "Got It" - 15 Jan 2010
Being compassionate is not weakness. Sometimes it can take long time and it will be a rollercoaster. You have to decide whether you can handle that.
The book is titled "I Do Again" by Jeff and Cheryl Scruggs.
NowI believe you should show spouse unconditional love when you can, although right now isn't the right time to lay it on thick.
First look to God for help, then look at yourself and your part in this, then make changes and go from there. Be a better person and husband.
I do think some of the other advice is good. You'll have to decide what to pick and choose. Think, does this action or response get me closer to my goal?
I want her to know that I am here for her, but then I walk a fine line in that if I do that, it could show her weakness. SO, what does one do with that?
Also, I struggle with just sitting here on my hands, tape across my mouth as my W carries on in at least one inappropriate relationship. It is hard to just LET her do that, and sit by idly, as the "good husband" and NOT think of myself as "weak" - you know?
"embrace the suck" - Coach "don't go all "Melty Man" on us" - Puppy Let Go and Let God Finally "Got It" - 15 Jan 2010
Is there anything you can do to bust/expose the affair? (Sorry, don't know if you've already done that) Otherwise, there isn't much you can do right now.
How would she describe the marriage? What were the problems? What can you do to change that dynamic over time? (Change yourself)
There is also the hard line approach as well. See Puppy, Robx, Steve McQueen, etc. You are still married and you could take more drastic measures. Just be prepared to enforce them.
Ya, the A is exposed-by her. I set the boundary about sharing her with another man But she denies it is an A - just friends.
OM bought her a black onyx ring for x-mas-was on her nightstand.
Also there has been at least one other that I KNOW of.
She describes the M as me smothering her/not trusting her-with good reason/me not wanting to take her out dancing etc.
When i was home and we were together for the 2 days, she kept saying that she didn't think I would change, she can't get over me hiring a PI, I knew her, and she would NEVER cheat, she just denied everything, and experctly deflected everything into it being my fault!!
As soon as I got on the plane - she slowly became the person she was before I left.
Ya, Puppy and a few others are really bringing things into focus for me. I just need to listen to them!!
Last edited by SoldierDad; 01/06/1007:55 AM.
"embrace the suck" - Coach "don't go all "Melty Man" on us" - Puppy Let Go and Let God Finally "Got It" - 15 Jan 2010
Here's a quote from a book I've read about a couple who were divorced 7 years. She had an affair for quite a while, came to her senses, then persued her husband for several years in hopes of reconciling the marriage. She committed adultery but she was also in alot of pain prior to it. They have a marriage many times better now because of what they went through. Here's the quote:
"The majority of people are so wounded by the betrayal that they can't imagine moving past the pain enough to allow for restoration. The hurt is profound, there's no minimizing that. However, God can do immeasurably more than you could ever ask or imagine. He can heal your heart, and he can ressurect your marriage, no matter what state it's in."
"God created marriage to be the foundation of society. The best thing we can do for ourselves, our children and our society as a whole is to preserve marriages. If you CHOOSE to give up your right to your ego and your pain and walk the road of forgiveness and grace, you are glorifying God and living according to His purpose."
"You are giving an immense gift to yourself, your spouse, and your children. If you allow God to heal your heart and bolster you with His grace and love, CHOOSING to walk the difficult path, you will never regret it."
This is your choice in what you decide to do. I believe it's wise to wait until you are truly, truly sure before you make a decision based on emotion. It may take some time to figure that out.
TulsaTime,
THANK YOU for that. I don't know about SD, but that sure blessed ME this morning!
