Hey Bradley, I hope the men's club on your thread don't mind a chick chiming in - LOL!
Here's the thing, B. In the beginning, it's normal for you to weigh every conversation and try to figure out what it meant, what she meant, what she felt, how it was going....you get the idea, right?
But, it will save you a whole lot of trouble if you just try not to analyze every bit of contact with her. Try to remember that she is going to change like the wind and take what she says with a grain of salt, ya know?
The thing with dbing is, it really is a way to get to be the best B you can be.
It's great that calling the wood guy shows her you're helpful and whatever, but, remember your goal is for that to be natural to you, not to pass any tests that she may be giving.
In your interactions with her, you need to actively listen, be positive and upbeat and be the first to end the conversation.
In the meantime, really think about your contribution to the problems in your marriage and about changes you want to make for YOU. Start there. It takes time to figure out, time to make the changes real.
And always, the children. They need you more than ever. They only get to be little once. And if you have an opportunity to be closer to them, to heck with what your w thinks about that right now. You do what you have to do for them.
So, hang in there. This rollercoaster takes dips and turns at warp speed sometimes. Strap yourself in.
The analyzing of every single thing she does, well we all do it at the beginning and some even much longer…. But it doesn’t do a lot to help you.
I don’t know if I was the one who mentioned “tests” but yes they do test you to see if the changes are real. But like B said, the reponse actually has to be normal for you. As things happen consistently, that is what shows that your changes are real. It will show you as well as her.
You are starting to grasp this a little, but please try to remember, the steps in this process, they are not linear. You are a heart surgeon. You do A and the result is B. What you will find through this is that as you do A, she will do S and the response might be R, which will make her reaction be X. You have to take your time, be really prepared for all of the twists and turns, and know that what you are doing, is right for you. Regardless of what her response is.
Do your best, I know it is hard, to stop worrying 6 months or a year down the road. There is no prognosis right now, except that if you do the work, YOU will heal. YOU will learn a ton of stuff about yourself. YOU will be better. You will look back and say Wow, I have come a long way. I am a better father, I am a better man. That is what DB is really about.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
and I stare at my blackberry. its like some cruel skinnerian experiement-- red light blinking-- Happy! no red light...sad.
I'm sure there are other red lights blinking that you can find. Especially since you are in surgery later....some of the lights there are important.....right ?
It may not seem like it right now, but the best thing is when it doesn't blink.
Take the focus off of what she may or may not be doing, and with whom she may be doing it with.....
Really try to make this time about you and what you want...
Find the Bradley that got lost through the years, and what he wants right now....
I have heard there are some really nice courses to play in NC...
Not too much for me to make a road trip to a nice course for a day.
