Your divorcing spouse is consistent. Has always been. Now it's seen without the sun, rose colored, blackout etc. glasses. She is who she is, how she is and how she's always been. Just a fact.
Reread what Kettricken's post. It's perfect.
Your divorcing spouse will continue doing what works for her until it doesn't work anymore. But this is her ball of wax, not yours.
All you can do is be the dad, be the father, let them know you're not going anywhere. Drop the rope and let her ride out into the sunset, hang herself with it.. whatever.
During my divorce I kept wailing about the effects on the children, the loss of the family, their father absenting himself almost completely from their lives (and feeling he was the best father at the same time). It was about him him him and how his actions were going to hurt hurt hurt my/our children in the long run. It was a very difficult lesson to learn that..
.. my children have to develop their own relationship with their dad.
... I cannot make him a better father or do those things that ensure a lasting positive relationship with his children.
... I am not here to fix, absolve his actions, fall on the sword for him. But I'm here to support, to listen, to provide an example of how to keep trying on being a better person, be the mom.
I was shocked to discover my own nit within the father/child dilemma. My own fears came up masked as concerns for my kids. That's when I dropped the 'what about the children' flag and faced the reality.
In an ideal world, divorces wouldn't happen, couples would turn toward each other, work through issues rather than ignore, slide, go along get along and dogs wouldn't eat homework.
I was lucky. Divorce smashed a sense of reality into my fortress of denial. And it sucks. It sucks for the kids. I felt devastated for almost a year and half that I'd broken a promise I made by bringing the children into the world. That they would be safe, cared for and part of a whole family. Silly of me. I had to release my mea culpa. Seeing their mother tear up and gulp out the words of her regret did nothing positive (especially when the dad was living the life he always wanted without them).
I had to let go of my personal conflicts to try and be the best mom I could for my children.
You have no control over the collateral damage you fret about in relationship to your children and their mom. You don't have to be perfect, know it all, foresee the future.. be the shoulder, lap, the warm arms to cuddle into, the soothing caresses.
