Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[TrentC]

Am I dumb for STILL wanting my M?? I feel stupid for still loving her and wanting my M to work.

We can give you advice, encourage you, motivate you, and whack you upside the head when you need it.

You keep asking this question; but only you can decide for yourself how much you can take.

I once spun you a tale of how she could have turned against you; it was 100% fiction and not based on any particular insight into your wife. But just because she is on a self-destructive path and lashing out at you doesn't mean she doesn't deserve sympathy, or pity.

[SoldierDad]

Trent,

i just don't know if I am ready to give up hope. I do keep asking, not sure if it is for validation, or if i am searching for someone to just finally tell me "wake up stupid, she's cheating on you, denying everything, she crushed your heart-AGAIN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?--Divorce her already.

I hope for change, but honestly, hope has never gotten me anything.

I mean, why am I hanging onto this false hope, when she is perfectly content in her "new" life?

[SoldierDad]

Maybe I am looking for someone to "validate" what i am doing.

Do i need the approval of someone else to continue or discontinue this?

What am I going to gain from maintaining this M in my mind? Because to her, the M is over.

[Lotus]

OK, I'll take the challenge.

What makes you think she is perfectly content with her new life? The two of you were in a pressure-cooker the whole time you were home. Why do you need to lawyer up right away? Maybe she was being honest with you that day. You have everyone telling you she was BS'ing you, and she has her group saying you are too rigid, and as long as the two of you listen to everyone but each other, there's no way of figuring out how you really feel. Why not talk to her quietly and honestly?

[SoldierDad]

Lotus, I have tried since she told me again.

She says the same thing: "I can't get past that you don't trust me" "You know me better than that" "You aren't going to change" "I'm not seeing anyone"

I asked her to go to counseling, no dice. See, I believe she doesn;t want to go to counseling because she KNOWS the problem isn't completely ME, and she doesn't want to have to fess up to her indiscretions. THAT would indicate that she was everything she told her family and I that she wasn't.

I don't know that she in content, but she sure makes ME feel that way.

And, what would change her mindset so fast, and with such conviction. I mean she completely changed literally overnight after I was out of sight? I think I am on the side of Puppy on this one-crocidile tears and a faux sense of remorse.

[TrentC]

Maybe I am looking for someone to "validate" what i am doing.

I think you should fight for your wife. The woman you fell in love with and married is still in there somewhere.

At some point, she will look back on this time of her life and regret what she's done. You can choose to be just another memory -- one of many mistakes she feels she can't take back -- or you can choose to be there to tell her that you forgive her.

If you can beat the odds and pull your marriage back from the brink, your kids will tell their children about how much Grandpa loved Grandma. What does that demonstrate to your kids? Compassion? Empathy? Courage? Strength?

But that's the happy ending. You have a long way to go before you get there. But never doubt that the battle is worth fighting.

[SoldierDad]

Trent,
Thank YOU.

I appreciate your honesty even after reading my entire sitch, you feel that way.

I needed that. I know it sounds stupid, but I did.

It's not that I needed someone to TELL me what to do, I just, needed SOMEONE to point me in a direction, and validate what I was fighting for.

[Lotus]

SD,

I can't know what forces are acting on your wife. But time does heal all wounds. Tell her that you want to just let things be for a while and not make any changes. She takes good care of the boys, so things are fine for now. And when your emotions have settled down maybe you can talk about this later. And then just try to be nice and not suspicious for a while to show her that you can do it.

[Lotus]

The thing is trust and forgiveness are necessary in a marriage. Your wife has done many things wrong. But she is right about this. You can't maintain a marriage without trust and forgiveness. So you could work on building those up. And the other side of trust is trustworthiness. It does take two.

[SoldierDad]

"At some point, she will look back on this time of her life and regret what she's done. You can choose to be just another memory -- one of many mistakes she feels she can't take back -- or you can choose to be there to tell her that you forgive her."

Trent,

my issue on this is, what should be my timetable for her to "find her way?" I mean, I can't wait forever.

I think I am going to continue DB, until after I get back in March, and then see where she is.

I think that is fair, and even then there is NO guarantees that she is going to commit to counseling.

It is hard right now, because she is so closed off to the idea. Especially knowing that she is involved with OM, and probably has no intention of giving that up anytime soon.