Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Puppy, have you seen/heard of a sitch quite like mine with multiple partners/lying/wanting to work through it, and then completely doing 180?

Yes -- dozens of times! You're not so rare. Your wife is a little more, um . . shall I say, "disturbed"? than most? But her behavior certainly isn't unique.

I think the disconnect that you're having is that you're being thrown WAY off-center by what YOU are perceiving as some wild "180" from your wife in the past week. What I've been TRYING to get you see is that she, in all likelihood, NEVER HAD THE POSITIVE CHANGE-OF-HEART TO BEGIN WITH. If you view her contrition as faux remorse, and "crocodile tears," I think the whole thing will make more sense to you.

Puppy

[SoldierDad]

Lotus,

When i was home on R & R, I looked high and low for it, but I couldn't find one. Every store was sold out. Must be alot of people working on their M huh? I am going to try to get one off of amazon, or another book store. I think I really need this book.

[SoldierDad]

Puppy,

You know, THAT is the main issue I was having with all of it. SHE made ME feel like SHE was sincere in her words and tears.

I bought every word of it.

NOW, I am pretty sure she sees me as weak because of it. I NEED TO CHANGE THAT.

It is difficult to process it, because as her H, I WANT to believe her. I WANT to trust what she says.

Also, does anyone think I am absolutely NUTS to still work on my M with my W-especially after all she has done? I am interested in your thoughts.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I understand, SD. I really do. I wanted to understand my wife too! All I can tell you is what I tell other people: You will know the real remorse when you see it, and "this ain't it."

You went WAY too much by her WORDS. The way it was explained to me, when I asked the question "How will I know when she is telling the truth?", was this way: when her words match her ACTIONS, over time, then you will know that she is telling the truth.

I haven't seen that yet; have you?

Puppy

[SoldierDad]

Puppy,

NO. I wanted to believe that was what I was seeing, but it wasn't.

I am not sure that my W is capable of understanding what she has done wrong.

When we talked she was in COMPLETE denial. THAT suprised me, considering the evidence I had.

I let her off the hook too, by not calling her on it, and telling her that I knew she was lying. Instead, I would listen to her, and then repeat my knowledge of it all, and then she would go into denial, and rinse and repeat. I REALLY SCREWED THAT UP.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

A temporary setback, SD. You're making WAYYYY too much out of it. The good thing about DBing is that it's NOT that fragile. Don't get me wrong, you can't make the same mistake 15-20 times, but you can four, five, six times, as long as you get back up on the horse.

'nuff said on the subject . . . okay?

Puppy

[SoldierDad]

Puppy,

Ok.

Just got off the phone with S12. He was in W bedroom- He said W was sleeping, and he was trying to be quiet. The last few times I have talked to him, I could tell that she was either listening to our conversation, or coaching him.

I didn't say anything about W, instead talked about school, friends, etc. He sounded sad.

I really miss them. S15, was in his room, had a few words to say then handed phone back-exactly what I expected.

I miss my family tonight, but I am not depressed over it-if that makes sense.

[MichelleLT]

You enforce boundaries on your end.

You end communication when she lies or turns it into an argument.

Boundaries are not about her. They are about how she treats you. And you do have control over what you put up with from her. You cannot enforce anything on her. You never could. And you never will be able to.

You can control you.

You can understand you.

Your stitch is not unique. Your W is not unique.

She could turn around. Stranger things have happened. But it won't happen for a long time and it will be backed up with a lot of action - none of which is what you are dealing with now.

You are not crazy to have hope.

Prepare for the worst though.

That way you won't be disappointed.

[SoldierDad]

Deep, thanks for that.

I do have values, and that's why I am kind of conflicted with what my W is doing.

If, for example, one of my Soldiers were doing something along the same lines, would I be so forgiving? I don't think I would.

Why then, am I working so hard at trying to save my M, when it goes against ALL of my values, and beliefs.

BUT, then I look at my religious side, and I ask myself: WHo am I to judge?

I mean, I KNOW right from wrong, I KNOW what she is doing is against EVERYTHING I stand for, yet I STILL feel the desire to work on our M. It just seems to go against everything I hold near and dear to my heart...

[SoldierDad]

LT,

as always-thank you.

Great advice from ALL tonight.