Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[SoldierDad]

Expectations.

My expectations.

I need to stop having expectations about my W.

I expected her to follow through with what we talked about.

Again, I was let down, by MY expectations.

[MichelleLT]

Yep.

The only person you can expect anything of is yourself. Because you are the only person you can control.

So be the best you.

[SoldierDad]

LT,

I am kinda struggling today as I continue to process what has transpired over the last 3 weeks.

It is really taking an emotional toll, and I am having a tough time realizing what happened.

I want to aske her WHY - she said these things. WHY did you lie to me? WHAT changed your mind in such a short amount of time?

I feel like I need answers to get some closure. I just feel so stupid.

[SoldierDad]

ok,

Here's the deal. I really have NO way to know what my W is doing in reference to the OM. I had hired a PI to PROVE one of the A, and it did just that-although W is in complete denial about all of them.

My W, I know is involved with a few different men. I believe she is doing this for a few reasons.

1. She needs these men in her life to validate what she is doing to our M.

2. She needs these men in her life to make her feel good about herself.

3. She needs these men in her life, as a lifeline, because of her wanting a D.

I, from where I am right now, do not have the intel, or the resources to bust these A's.

How can I affect them from overseas, and yet still continue to DB, without any intel or knowledge of what/who she is seeing?

[Lotus]

Have you gotten a copy of the Divorce Remedy book? That would be the best thing to do to learn how to DB.

[MichelleLT]

80% of As end regardless of anything else. They fizzle on their own.

You can't force her to do anything where you are overseas or not.

You can make yourself the more attractive option. You can set boundaries. That's it. And it's a lot. Most of all, it takes time. You need to be patient.

Regardless of what happens with your M, you need to be a person that you can be proud of, you need to be able to look back and have no regrets.

Focus on that.

Focus on what you can control.

Destress in healthy ways - work out, play games, watch movies, call your kids.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

ok,

Here's the deal. I really have NO way to know what my W is doing in reference to the OM. I had hired a PI to PROVE one of the A, and it did just that-although W is in complete denial about all of them.

My W, I know is involved with a few different men. I believe she is doing this for a few reasons.

1. She needs these men in her life to validate what she is doing to our M.

2. She needs these men in her life to make her feel good about herself.

3. She needs these men in her life, as a lifeline, because of her wanting a D.

I, from where I am right now, do not have the intel, or the resources to bust these A's.

How can I affect them from overseas, and yet still continue to DB, without any intel or knowledge of what/who she is seeing?

SD,

I am as "pro-intel" as anyone on this entire forum. But it's only advisable in a few very specific instances:

1) To prove initially whether or not your spouse is having an affair, so that you'll know what you're dealing with, so that you can protect yourself and your family.

2) To gather evidence for a legal action, if you are in a "fault" station for divorce.

3) To be able to credibly expose the affair to close friends and family, so that they can exert pressure on the cheating spouse, in support of the marriage in an attempt to end the affair as quickly as possible.

4) To confirm "no-contact" as part of a transparency plan, once the couple has MUTUALLY AGREED to it, and has decided to try and reconcile.

At this stage, I don't see ANY of these applying to your sitch. You already know your wife has had multiple affairs, she continues to lie about it, and she's not willing to honestly reconcile and be transparent with you. So there's really nothing to "bust" here.

I'm afraid what you're left with, is working on YOU, protecting yourself legally & financially, and being the best dad you can possibly be for your kids. Your wife, you leave to GOD.

Puppy

[SoldierDad]

LT,

I set the boundaries I could set while I was home, but really, I have NO way of enforcing them. I mean, I have NO ideaa what she is doing at any moment of the day.

She is seeing at least 2 OM - well, WAS, not sure now.

Is my best bet just to stay dark? I mean, to me, it seems like I am sticking my head in the sand.

I am proud of myself, I just feel like I can do MORE to help restore my M.

[SoldierDad]

Puppy,

I got it.

I just have to accept it.

I really have NO choice do I??

I want to "fix" this/her, isn't possible.

Puppy, have you seen/heard of a sitch quite like mine with multiple partners/lying/wanting to work through it, and then completely doing 180?

I don't want to pigeon hole myself, but my sitch seems rare. I dunno.

Also, had contact W my L, he didn't seem so concerned about what happened, rather, he was concerned about this kind of thing happening alot. He didn't think it had any impact on my case-so that is good.

Am I dumb for STILL wanting my M?? I feel stupid for still loving her and wanting my M to work.

[Deep]

SD, you have no choice over her decisions and actions, you have choices regarding how they affect you.

You're a decent human being with values, that's why you love her and want the M. What's there to be sorry for here? Accept and take pride in that.

Working on yourself, doing what you humanly can, and giving up what you can't to God is NOT easy - You may feel you can do "more" - but really that may be all the "more" you can and should do. It's one thing to be determined, another to be stubborn and avoid reality. That is one form of what may be called the LBS fog IMO.