I had to go up to his work to get the leashes for the dogs. I took a little bit of pleasure out of showing up and knowing the OW would know I would be there and I looked good. We stood out in the parking lot and spoke for about 10 minutes and he was very kind to me. We talked about the dogs a majority of the time.
When he got home, he helped a little with the dogs, but said he had to go out and do something for a while (he eluded to seeing a lawyer, but this was 8:30 pm and he had already lied about having a 2 hour meeting with his cousin who is heavily connected in our city. I do know for a fact he was lying about this). Also, not sure how many attorneys in our town would meet same day this late, but I digress). He also told me that he doesn't want to waste money on attorneys right now?????? What the hell does that mean???? I didn't press anything at all. We also found our today that our dear dog has a possible tumor and he was very comforting to me about the whole thing. He said that he cares about me deeply and starts to think about all the wonderful memories we have had. Then in the next breath says that he just can't take all of life's responsibilities (house, car, job, money, family etc.) I have to say, the conversation took massive turns and just left me bewildered and confused. All the while, I made eye contact and validated all his emotions. A few times he asked me "what are you thinking about right now, this very second?" What is that? Is he trying to bait me into something? What I'm thinking is "I love you and pray for you every moment of everyday and will do whatever it takes to restore our marriaage", but of course I don't say that. If I did, I'm sure it would freak him out and send him into the "I need space" rage.
I miss the days of him being straightforward. I know that DR says to believe 0% of what they say and 50% of what they do, but when everything is so contradictory, I don't know what 50% of his actions to believe. At least I know the portion of the 0% of what they say to hang my hat on.
I must admit folks, I am a serial optimist most of the time. This situation has definitely tested my optimism and I'm certainly not saying I don't have bad days (the days where you think you would feel better if you were hit by a bus), but I feel in my heart of hearts that no matter how bad the days get, my husband will return to our M fully. I just wish I could wave the wand and expedite the process. Could just be me being naive, but I choose to live with unwaivering faith.
