Looking for Advice

[Lotus]

My gut says No, you didn't screw up. You said "I love you" as an act of support for her in difficult times, not to get her to say it back. there is a big difference.

[gutwrenching]

Thanks Greek. You are right, there was ZERO expectation, this is a really tough time for her right now and I want to be supportive. This is a chance to show off the new/improved me at a time where it might also help her cope.

Copy - don't follow up with anything else. I've planted enough seeds that she knows she has support. I stopped by to see her today at work (which I never do since getting smart about how to handle this) and offered any help and told her the truth I was checking up on her well being. She actually later called me and asked if I would go pick up her and 3 other co-workers lunch. SHOCK, again, she asked for help again.

I let her know I got the kids handled, I got dinner handled, let her know how proud I was of how she was handling the situation, let her know she has a shoulder to lean on and a hot bubble bath with her name on it whenever she can come home.

Oh yes, and I delivered her wedding band to work today. When she left this morning and gave me a hug she looked at her bare ring finger and told me she couldn't find her plain wedding band and couldn't wear the other one right now because it was cutting into her finger, but that she wanted to find the band. So I found it and brought it to her, and she promptly put it on.

Good to hear from you again, it is greatly appreciated/valued.

[sandi2]

My guess is that she gets her ego fed from the OM....but in real life tough stuff....she knows who is her piller of strength. I could be wrong, but I think that is a very positive sign that she has turned to you in this dark time.

Don't tell her ILY again. Don't fall into the trap of TM to see how she's doing (b/c it would be easy). The important thing now is for you to not "over kill" trying so hard. Just be there to listen to her. You said it yourself, it's about her right now. Don't dare say anything about OM or if you went too far, etc......just don't mention any of that b/c it would make you look very weak. Just let that go b/c she tried to turn it off a good way.

Listen to her concerns. Validate where you can. Let her lead with the physical moves. You did right by holding her when she needed it.

[gutwrenching]

Thanks Sandi. This is the 2nd time since we've been married that the W has had to deal with this scenario. So I have experience from the 1st one to go off of, and although I relfect I did "so-so" the first time, I know I wasn't there enough. I know I am a better preson, husband, father this time around. So maybe you are right and I am in a bit of overkill mode right now, trying too hard. I don't need to try too hard, I know what to do.

I also have reflected back on what happened last time. She held up well for a couple of days when she had too, and then when she didn't have to be strong in public, she fell into a bit of a pit and that's when I didn't do as well as I should have. I am prepared for it this time.

Confident. I have to be strong and confident!

[gutwrenching]

Oh and I did fall into the TM trap to see how she is doing. It was easy and I was concerned. No more. Got it. Thanks

[sandi2]

Sounds good. Be sure to stay in touch and let us know how she's doing and how you handled it. You never know who may be reading this and it could help them.

[gutwrenching]

I will certainly stay in touch, one because I still need it. This is my only outlet and only place for advice and second, if it helps someone else, even better.

Here's the update over the past 16 or so hours.
W got home late, I already had kids in bed. She had called to let me know she was close to coming home, so I had dinner ready for both of us.
I followed instructions and stopped texting and didn't lead with any physical moves/interaction. There was no physical interaction when she came home. We ate and talked and talked some more. Very peaceful but it was obvious to me that she was dealing with the situation much better than the night before. She even compared it to the last suicide she dealt with and this one easier on her because she didn't know the person as well. So W is doing very well.
There was no talk of OM or the fact that I TM the ILY or any of that. The only thing that came close was her telling me of a completely different situation she heard about today that turned out badly that involved a man texting someone other than his wife and the fallout from that. She looked up at me and said something along the lines of you're thinking nothing good comes from texting like that. I didn't bite. I simply said I wasn't going to say a thing about the texting. She said but you were thinking it. I said actually I wasn't thinking about that. not sure if she believed me, and not sure I was actually telling the truth, but I didn't want to appear weak nor drive a conversation about the OM. Its eating at me enough not knowing if they are still e-mailing and not knowing if she got rid of the pay as you go phone she told me about and said she was getting rid of. I knew where that phone was and was keeping tabs, and the battery had been dead and uncharged since she told me about it, but now it is gone. So she either threw it away or moved it to use again.

She pulled out her computer to do work which is often followed by her leaving to gain some privacy/space. Not last night, she just stayed right there next to me and there was no tension in the air. We talked on and off as she went thru work and I did my own thing and picked up the house when not talking.
When it was time for bed, I was expecting no physical contact again because she seemed to be doing so well. For the first couple of minutes, nothing. Then all of sudden, she moves over towards me and lays her head down on my chest and eventually falls asleep that way with me gently holding her. Not as "close" or "needy" as the night before when she wanted to be held real close, but still an interesting development. Before she dropped the bomb, this was a pretty normal/routine occurrence. Since then, only twice before - once when she was trying to figure out how much I knew about her and OM and was playing me, the other time was Xmas Eve, and now 2 night in a row.

This morning, pretty normal routine stuff, until I came in to say goodbye. She was just getting out of the shower so I debated even saying goodbye because over the past couple of months, she is completely uncomfortable being undressed around me and practically runs/hides. Not this morning. She even talked to me as she was getting ready, turned only slightly away. Then when I said I had to leave now, she came up to me and iniated a long hug.

Lastly, she had asked me to pick up some things for her and to text her before I did in case she thought of something else. I TM her and let her know I was going to pick up the items she needs. Her reply surprised me: "Thank you, you've been wonderful"

So now what is my best approach to the situation and best strategy. I'm not real sure. I have to remind myself not to get too anxious, not to push things, take it slow. But I also guess that now isn't the right time to keep detaching. Not sure. Looking for expert advice on where to go from here.

One last note is that she will probably attend the funeral which will involve a short trip (will have to take plane to get there)...so she'll be completely on her own for a couple of days, very easy to contact OM while on the trip.

[gutwrenching]

Today has been tough, but I have successfully followed Sandi's advice from yesterday. No overkill, no TM to see how she is doing. I stopped by to see how she was doing and ask a question and she saw me and said just a minute. I waited about 10 miutes and then left, sent her a text saying she is too busy, I understand, here's what I wanted to ask you, I'm going back to my office now. No response now 2.5 hours later. And so I wait...

[rockedworld]

Hi GW,
It sounds like the classic "pull back" part of the script. You have been doing a great job of meeting some of her most important emotional needs. That will likely cause some internal conflict because it contradicts what she has been telling herself about you to justify her EA. Just ride it out, don't react, act like it doesn't affect you at all and then just keep doing everything else you are doing...

[gutwrenching]

Thanks rocked. Guess I'm not familiar with the "pull back" part of the script, but from the sounds of it, pretty normal and I guess I can see why. Thanks for the encouragement, its tough. You know when you are riding high after getting some real feeling/emotion/affection out of W for first time in a while and then to potentially go from that to nothing. Ouch that could be tough, especially not knowing if EA is dead, alive, or on life support.
I did just finally get a text back that partially answered my question...she told me she is very tired today...curious to see how the evening goes...