Moving back in

[DDogs]

UPDATE:

Got home after being away Fri/sat nite for my run race sat. It was a great time out, running, socializing,,, even a bunch of 30/40 something people playing play station "Rock Band".. very much no pressure mindless no stress fun..

Drove back into town, cleaned out the remainder of my apt, and got home at 4pm.. Hugged kids, they were all happy to see me.. W forces a smile on her face and initiates conversation and asks how my race went. I explained a bit about what hashing runs were, not a typical run race (after I knew she had net searched for runs in the town I was going to, and also my Facebook page) and she seemed interested in what I have to say...

I think that the W seeing the pic of me and my f co-worker and searching the net for runs has knocked her a little bit off center, maybe a mini crisis,, hopefully just getting her to think/reflect.

I was nice, positive, pleasant, and definitely gave off the vibe that I am moving on with my life (GALing,, something W always pressed me to do more of), no gloating or rubbing W nose in anything,, just me being happy to doing things in my life..

W actually initiated conversation about her and S15 cooking yesterday (a BIG hobby of mine), and invited me to try some of her new spaghetti sauce.... she actually told me it probably needs garlic (something W rarely adds but I use a LOT of).

I'm just 180ing, As if'ing, staying positive and WATCHING for results/responses from W...

I'm hoping and praying that I can get us to a point where Retrovuaille is an option..I like how Lotus phrased it in another thread, paraphrasing, "There's a program for people like us, I think it would help"

If nothing else, I done things differently these past 4 days than I would have previously...looking for cheese in different tunnels..

[DDogs]

1 week from move back in day....

after the weekend, Monday was quiet, I took S/D to the mall and then for dinner.. didn't get back til 930, W already in bed and we got the obligatory good night...

Today, I felt a bit uneasy, I feel like I am 2nd guessing myself, about the pics and weekend run, although I know I've done the right thing. Made dinner, W comes home and is back to the 1 or 2 word answers. I ask how her day was and W tells me it was a crazy day without details.. I don't push and invite her to sit for dinner.

Afterwards, on the patio, I tell her that my schedule changed and that the MC appt was still on for tomorrow night. W says ok.. I ask how she's feeling, W replies she's ok but tired and she'll talk more in session tomorrow.... I ask if there's anything she needs to say, she say no...I don't push further but comment that she looks tired and hope she feels better.

Here is where I am unsure if I back slid or not... As she is settling in the guest room for the night, I ask if I could sit and talk for a minute.

(I read from another post about how Retrovauille was brought up into conversation, liked it and I wanted to put it out there)

I told W that there is a program out there specifically designed for couples exactly like us,,, people with marriages in crisis from all forms of unhealthy behaviors, marriages in the end stage of D, and even as a requirement in some places in order to finalize a D. Retroauville. And that I think it might help us.

I told her it was not an encounter group, retreat but a weekend designed for personal and couple growth specifically for couples like us, there are no guarantees but it has shown to be successful in helping couples. I asked W to think about it. There was a pause, and W looks at me and quietly asks, "what do you want me to say?"

I reply, "I know what I want you to say but I'd like you think about it, maybe google it and see."

She nods and says nothing. I end the conversation there and leave.

I'm not certain if that was pursuing.. I wanted her to begin thinking about it before MC tomorrow, but don't know if by mentioning it, that it was pushing her away....I'm trying to be patient, wait, continue my DB and watch.....It's like watching grass grow,,, I understand these things can take a long time and I got clobbered by 2x4's last time I mentioned my impatience...I'm venting here rather than say/do something foolish in front of the W,,,because although I understand it is a slow process and takes time, that doesn't make it any less painful..

[Lotus]

well, she didn't bite your head off! I like what you said, "a weekend designed for personal and couple growth specifically for couples like us, there are no guarantees but it has shown to be successful in helping couples". I think you put it very well. I hope she will consider it.

Oh, make sure she knows how to spell it, or find it at www.helpourmarriage.org.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I think you handled it just fine, DDogs. I thought the convo on the patio was a smidge heavy-handed, but the tone you struck on bringing up Retrou was perfect.

You've done your part; now just pray about it. It's in her hands.

Puppy

[Steve McQueen]

I'm not certain if that was pursuing..

pursuing? dont you think you are messing with your wife's head?

let see... you move back into the house after months of separation. without discussion none-the-less. kick her out of her bed, and invade her privacy. then go out on a date and post pictures of your arm around another woman on the Internet knowing she is going to look at it. Your conversations pretty much scuk, your wife is pissed as hell at you and you are making her deal with her own phone bill and insurance. "W comes home and is back to the 1 or 2 word answers." and your best response advice is:
"I'm sorry that you feel that way"
"I can understand why you may feel that way"
"I decided....."

ahhh? get the finger yet?

Then you ask her to go to a couple retreat "specifically designed for couples exactly like us."

TALK ABOUT MIXED SIGNALS

I was nice, positive, pleasant, and definitely gave off the vibe that I am moving on with my life

did you give off that vibe, when you were lving alone? How much dating did you do prior to moving back home? why is it important to advertise it now?

[DDogs]

I'm not certain if that was pursuing..

pursuing? dont you think you are messing with your wife's head?

let see... you move back into the house after months of separation. without discussion none-the-less. kick her out of her bed, and invade her privacy. then go out on a date and post pictures of your arm around another woman on the Internet knowing she is going to look at it. Your conversations pretty much scuk, your wife is pissed as hell at you and you are making her deal with her own phone bill and insurance. "W comes home and is back to the 1 or 2 word answers." and your best response advice is:
"I'm sorry that you feel that way"
"I can understand why you may feel that way"
"I decided....."

ahhh? get the finger yet?

SMcQ: Thanks for your 2x4 take on my sitch, the way you spell it out, yes, I can see that... What I am trying to do is to GAL, and take charge of my life, thus the moving back in, reclaiming the marital bed, making the W responsible for her bills/debts. I should have done this at the onset but I didn't. I'm trying to correct that. I thought that was part of the tough love, boundaries, maning up and not being wimpy.

As for putting the pic up, in hindsight, that may have been over the top. That was my reponse to an night out the W had with her GF a few weeks ago. W told me that she and her GF went out drinking and dancing and mentioned that she danced with a few of the guys there. There were also a few nights out with the GF that W returned about 4am as well,, so she is going out, partying and dancing.

As for messing with my head, I'm pissed and angry that I moved out believing we were each working on ourselves for a better R when W was intending on D the entire time...

Then you ask her to go to a couple retreat "specifically designed for couples exactly like us."

TALK ABOUT MIXED SIGNALS

I was nice, positive, pleasant, and definitely gave off the vibe that I am moving on with my life

did you give off that vibe, when you were lving alone? How much dating did you do prior to moving back home? why is it important to advertise it now?

When I was living alone, I spent a lot of time with my kids. I dated a bit but I don't feel that I was giving off that GAL vibe... Honestly, a lot was going thru my head at the time and I was scared/sad about what was happenimg to the R..

It seems now that I'm home my confidence level is up and my esteem as well, and after writing this I'm now realizing that may feel as rubbing it in to her..which is what I do not want to do....it just felt so damn good feeling the "control" shift away from the w and to me, seeing her now put in crisis mode to think about the situation away from "fairyland".... a dose of reality

I think after some thought on this my best course of action should be to return to continue to be civil/friendly, appearing happy/pleasant, acting "as if", and put my attention towards my kids...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Agreed.

[DDogs]

UPDATE:!!!

OK,, just got back from MC..

Well as I suspected, W has to deliver her bomb so in MC she tells that the day after I moved back in 12/29 (Batsh#t crazy night) she went to her L the next am and had her L file for D 12/30. So W tells me expect to be served soon...so I tell her that I sorry that you decided to go the L route, I would have preferred thru other channels but thats what you choose...

Then the WTF moment, W says,"I want a D, I think it's the right thing for me AT THIS MOMENT". again implying uncertainty..

We then go on a tangent with the MC about how we want to get the kids involved in the counseling process and have a healthy discussion...

A few thoughts.. knowing my W, when she emotionally reacts, she goes above and beyond, swats flys with sledge hammers, so this was expected.. When I asked W what she expects to happen, W says,"I don't know, whats going to happen", "I just went to the L and told her I want a D, the L did the rest".

MC steps in and reminds W that this is not a race and maybe she should let the dust settle. I asked her what her time frame is and W replies, "I don't know... I just know that I filed, I don't have a time line".

This really pissed me off, I'm thinking, it sounds like you did this for the sake of doing it,, knee jerk response. who knows?

When asked by the MC about what I needed, I replied "I want to heal the marriage and work towards reconciliation, It is important to me and not easily disposable. Its also what best for the kids to be in a healthy family environment with both parents"

W again states she wants out....

MC then addresses the W, "I remember in a moment of clarity, you said, gee, you're good!" (I can sense MC going into prevent mode) he says, "You and your H were just talking AGAIN, planning out what you wanted to happen with the kids and how you both effectively worked on the situation just now, it was really good communication,,,, that is what you haven't been able to do in you're personal/couple lives...

Now W begins crying, and states,"I can't believe this, I'm a therapist...

(W has a Masters in Marriage and family counseling, go figure)

"and I've done this all my life, but it's a sham, it doesnt work, its not helping, and its not the magic cure...H, I love you, I really do but our M doesn't work"

I mention to the MC, that is why I thought Retrovuaille would be beneficial for our specific situation and MC adds he thought it looked like a good program... He asks if there would be any harm in us going for a day,,, I reply that its a weekend and then follow up single days to work on the skills, .... MC puts out, but there are no strings? (my guess is his attempt to get W to attend if she felt no strings)... I say both partners have to want to be there for a proper session... W says nothing,,,,

the session ends, and we leave. I get sad on the drive home but my anger starts to drive the sadness away and I'm thinking I'm better off without her... man what a roller coaster...

OK, opinions, comments, 2x4's... some, input please?

[motherof3]

DD,

I have been silently lurking. No 2x4's from me.

Mo3

[DDogs]

W, also tells me now that since W has to pay her OWN car ins, phone, creditcards etc.. she can no longer pay her portion of the utilities/joint expenses (which were significantly higher than the bills she has to take care of) which gives her a net savings.... (now realizing that life is real, and there are bills that have to be paid to support her particular lifestyle)

The main reason I initially told W to take care of her car,phone, etc.. was because these were her specific bills for things she uses, why should I support her personal expenses...

I point out this fact and W just shrugs and says the she is now having financial issues and needs to make changes..... I remind her that there are other ways to navigate thru D besides L, but W tells me in a cocky voice, "well this has gone past that I, feel I need a L"...

I ask her if she still plans on moving out on 2/1, W replies, "well, considering the financial issues,, it's better that I stay in the house."

I feel the need to tell her that if she as filed for a D and wants out that she should move out... It feels like W has found a new angle to "cake eat"..stay in the home reduce her debt load..

If W was to move out, she would definitely be paying more... Im wondering if that would be an effective way to approach this.. W brought up financial issues several times so I know she is worried/concerned /impacted by them..

Any advice, input, suggestions, please....