Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

Update: haven't been posting quite as frequent updates because been busy, not a ton of free time to myself, and things a little calmer.
Yesterday we spent the day together skiing and a very nice dinner afterwards. No feelings from her to me that I noticed one way or the other. No hatred and no affection. Dinner was nice. Whole day was fairly stress free. At home, afterwards a range of things. For a few hours, it almost seemed like old times...some of the conversations and things she brought up about some personal medical issues...stuff she would not have shared (I don't think) with me about 2 weeks ago and just a few other comments. Then a couple of hours later, it seemed like out of the blue she was annoyed I was around.
Today is new years eve, we have plans to go with the kids to a co-workers house
Not sure what to think right now, so just going with the flow and watching

[sandi2]

I had thought long and hard about a keylogger but have been hesitant. If she found it, I think it would be a dealbreaker for her. Is this worth it?

You said you took away any easy way for her to communicate with OM. My school of thought about this is that if she wants to communicate with OM, she'll find a way without you knowing it. So, you've confronted her and outside of having solid proof, what could you do? If you cannot access her emails, etc., then I think to continue to snoop at this point, would be hurting you. JMHO. OTOH, don't be blind to the way she behaves, either. If she is taking her phone to bed with her....that would be a dead give-away.

As long as she is in contact with OM, her emotions will be up and down. Her rather quick mood change yesterday may have come b/c she could not communicate with OM. But, when it comes to EA's a bad mood usually means "good" b/c she's not been in contact. If she's been in contact with OM, then her addiction has had a "fix" and her mood will be up. Not good.

[gutwrenching]

Thanks Sandi, I think I had almost become addicted to the trying to watch and its is probably best just to let go at this point, you have confirmed that. I have taken away all the easy routes, the non-stop communication has been stopped. I suspect as I said a couple of posts again, I am pretty certain it is a couple e-mails a day back and forth.
I will continue to watch.
Yesterday was up and down again. From coming home after a 3-4 hr hair appt and coming up to me for a hug when she came home, to an hour later being annoyed with all of us (kids and me even though I had the kids all day), to later out of the blue sharing some more personal "issues" (out of respect for her I will leave it at that) that shocked me (shocked that she shared) and I appreciated, to her telling me she had assumed I would go thru her medication and figure out (which I didn't and she realized--she had checked), to staying tense/angry watching a movie, to allowing a good night hug.
So, I'm baffled at this point.
So maybe the up and down for the 2nd day in a row means little or no contact. Who knows.

I guess there is no way to "privately" contact you. There is something I'd like your opinion on, but a bit too personal to share on the forum. If not, oh well, not critical.

Got to say, this has been the most "gutwrenching" New Years I've ever experienced, because I'm just no optimistic that 2010 will be better than 2009, and 2009 didn't turn out so hot.

[gutwrenching]

Situation Update here in the New Year and back to work (sorry it is long):

So where am I at now…confused probably describes it best.
I did not do a good job of detaching over the holidays. Good or bad, we spent a lot of time together and together with the kids.
I have become a little more accepting of the fact things might not turn out as I hope, but still a long ways to go from being at peace on this or being truly willing to accept the fact that it could all end in D. I have made progress, still a ways to go.

I have learned that W gets stressed every night before bed, probably starting an hour or so out; she shared this fact with me a couple of days ago. She is sleeping in same bed again, but that doesn’t mean much. She began sleeping in bed over holidays so the kids wouldn’t find out. She continued practice last night when she didn’t have too. Will see if this trend continues or not.

I have no real evidence of any contact with OM. I suspect it is a couple of e-mails a day. Now that we are back at work, it has the potential to be much, much more communication and I will never know if they are using work phones/computers. I need to just let this one go for now and stay alert and look for signs.

W’s mood and attitude towards me has been all over the map. In general, I see positive signs but don’t know whether or not to trust them. Potentially positive signs: she has initiated comments about our upcoming move this summer to include asking me about child care options for us and she mentioned a house for rent that we could only afford on both incomes and it would be too big if S or D. In talking of the move today, she said maybe we should tell our boss we are already having issues in M to factor in when deciding the exact positions we are going to be sent too (in other words, not tough/long hour jobs for both of us)…then she changed her mind that she wasn’t ready to tell him that. We have started (today) working out together in the morning. Getting up early, going through a detailed program to include a refined diet. She was very open to the idea. I initially suggested that we might want to try the program because it was part of my GAL (to get into better shape) and I was just making small talk, I was shocked when she immediately agreed to the idea. She woke up angry today (she told me that, I asked what at, and she said just overall angry) but after working out seemed to be in 100 times better spirits and was even smiling at me as I left for work. Also, in the past few days she has shared with me some medical issues/medication with her that I knew nothing about. She commented to me that she assumed I would have gone through her medication and figured it out…which I hadn’t and told her…and she said I know, I could tell my medications hadn’t been touched. We watched quite a few movies/TV shows together without distractions of computers and without animosity or serious conversations or anything like that.

Negative signs: she stresses out before bed time because she is afraid I’m going to unload something on her or want to talk about things and because things aren’t “normal or at least not what normal used to mean.” There is still anger that flairs up, just about every day at some point; it no longer lasts days, but hours. She admits it and says she is just angry at the situation she is in and she knows she needs to be better about it. I haven’t seen real remorse yet. The closest was “I feel bad” about the large xmas gift my parents gave us...and she genuinely did...this was about a week after Xmas.

So the positive/negative signs are either results of contact (or lack of) with OM or a true conflict in her mind and maybe she hasn’t 100% made up her mind to leave. It has been 15 days since exposing the EA and setting boundary. It has been 10 days since re-iterating boundary with removal of him from her facebook.

Quite possibly the holidays helped. We had to put on a good front for the kids and we spent a lot of time together, some tense and cold, others relaxed and friendly. Even spent one day skiing together without the kids.

She is still way gone, that is obvious, but she is either putting on a show or not quite as gone as she was a few weeks ago.

I know for a fact that the past 2 weeks saw a serious decline in communication with OM. They went from talking 6 to 7 days of the week for 30-60 minutes each day and 40-60 text messages a day and multiple e-mails, to probably just a couple/few emails on the account she knows that I know about, but she still never talks about and still almost pretends isn’t there. As I stated earlier, high risk for increased communication again, but I think I know enough now to at least be able to see the warning signs.

So the big question in my mind, is how to proceed from here. For now, I watching/thinking about it and asking for advice. Becoming workout partners is a twist I didn’t expect. I think there is potential upside to this; it is a 180 for me. It is something that she wanted to re-initiate a few times in our our M, but I resisted and is something we have not done since very early on in our M. And if this morning was any indication, it caused a rapid mood change for the better. We were even laughing some during the workout video and personally, I wasn’t thinking about our situation at all, I was too into the exercise.

The best part of my changes continues to be with the kids. They see the change. Their attitudes and affection to me has changed. I am a much better father and very proud of that fact.

Thoughts/comments from the experts and supporters?

[sandi2]

I guess there is no way to "privately" contact you. There is something I'd like your opinion on, but a bit too personal to share on the forum. If not, oh well, not critical.

I'm sorry, but we aren't suppose to share personal contact information.

[sandi2]

I have learned that W gets stressed every night before bed, probably starting an hour or so out; she shared this fact with me a couple of days ago

Even if you think it doesn't mean much.....do you believe she may think you could expect sex from her?

She commented to me that she assumed I would have gone through her medication and figured it out…which I hadn’t and told her…and she said I know, I could tell my medications hadn’t been touched.

Never heard of such nonsense! But if she is on medication, that "could" explain some mood swings. I just wouldn't blame them all on meds.

The closest was “I feel bad” about the large xmas gift my parents gave us...and she genuinely did...this was about a week after Xmas.

But that has nothing to do with remorse over how she's treating you. So, onward march!

She has shown a few positive signs. If she is trying to detach from OM, that is adding to her stress level. But, I think I may have told you before that there is no tapering off with an EA. At least, I don't feel that it happens very often....if ever. I just hope that OM will do something to trip himself up, but he's probably experienced in long distant EA's. Keep a close eye b/c it may not be over.

[gutwrenching]

Even if you think it doesn't mean much.....do you believe she may think you could expect sex from her?

I dont see how, that hasn't happened nor anything even remotely close since she dropped the bomb. Is this a topic I should bring up? Heck, there hasn't even been a kiss since that day, she no longer will undress if I'm around, etc.

Never heard of such nonsense! But if she is on medication, that "could" explain some mood swings. I just wouldn't blame them all on meds.

That was jab at me for spying on her computer and phone in the past to catch her at the EA and catch what I still think was an attempt at disguised communication on facebook. She knows how much I was looking before. I actually think I gained some trust/respect on this one, she was gone for a half a day and told me she assumed I would have gone thru her medication and computer again. She told me she checked both. She admitted she realized I hadn't gone thru either. Also, I'm not so sure the medication is causing the mood swing, not at all.

Onward march...I like the positive vibes form that advice. Because it has been a positive day so far. She has reached out to communicate with me a few times today, all very upbeat, positive, friendly. She even talked about how tomorrow morning's workout is "going to be fun"...so its either a fix from contact from OM or possibly positive energy from starting the exercise partnership.

I am keeping a close eye. I know my W, I think the EA is going to be hard for her to quit and despite what she thinks of OM, I think he's a player and is probably experienced at this and I doubt he's been scared because he is so far away, he probably feels safe. But quite simply, all I can do is watch for indicators...I no longer have access to what I had access to before on the computer.

Thanks again, I so much appreciate your insight on things

[gutwrenching]

Things going to be interesting now. Last night, unexpected phone call of a suicide by a subordinate worker of W. Tough situation. To this point, it appears she is coming to me for support not OM. She talked to me about it last night, and I just mainly listened. When we got in bed finally way, way late, she immediately came over to me to be held and fell asleep that way laying on me and then a hug goodbye this morning (first time in probably 9+ months).

This will probably throw everything off track and observations of signs by me out the window.

I have a priority in my life though at the moment, and that is to help W get thru this rough times as long as she will allow it. So far, she has. She has opened up a little and reached out a little for emotional and physical support.

She even asked for help this morning getting things together...way out of the norm, she has been on an independent, I don't need your help for anything kick for a while now, so when she asks if I mind helping her, I notice.

[gutwrenching]

I may have screwed up slightly, not sure, this is kind of unchartered territory dealing with a suicide and everything the W has had to deal with including talking to the family of the deceased.

I sent her a text saying "I think you need to know, I LOVE YOU." I know I'm not supposed to say the L word to a WAW unless they are ready and she isn't...I guess I let my emotions go to far, but this is tough on her and deep down, it was probably an attempt on my part to try to help prevent her from running to the OM for emotional support. Yes, it is just killing me not knowing if she has e-mailed him to share what she has gone thru, and I don't dare ask...she has opened up a little to me and I don't need to kill that and this is about her right now, I am just trying my damnest to be the supportive/loving/caring H. I want to be able to show the changed me can and will provide emotional support.

Did I screw up? Do I need to make sure I do everything in my power not to go there again?

Her text response was a smily face and "Thank you..."

[Greek]

Did you screw up? Who knows?! But it's done. See how it shakes out. Don't follow up with anything else. Just let it set.

My opinion is, no harm done. You reached out to another soul in a tough zone. You did it with NO expectation. So be it.

Greek