Antlers - thanks - such wise words. Now for me to try and incorporate them into my life. That's the tough part. But we have no choice do we - it's that or drown in all the negativity. I am working on it - it's a work in progress and hopefully there's a happy ending for all of us.
Nikblondiew - He was very selfish - they have to be to inflict this kind of hurt on the people that are closest to them. I know my XH is and was fully aware of how devasting this would be for me. He just didn't care. After all the years (not that many compared to some people on the site I know) we spent together after all my demonstrations of love to this man he completly violated my trust and our vows. It is tough to let go. I find it in my head way more than I want it. I wish there was a switch we could turn off. And I do the same thing - second guess every move I made during the marriage. Maybe if we didn't have this fight - maybe if I didn't say that, maybe if I had been nicer to his mother... Maybe maybe - but the truth is no one is perfect in a marriage. I saw someone wrote Love is a choice and that is so true. And you have to choose to forgive your partner. Because no matter who you're with there are going to be problems in every marriage - no one has the right to just go "see ya later" just because of their own selfishness. That's why I think it's crazy when someone like my XH rushes into another relationship - I wonder what could be so different?? Is she perfect? I don't get it.
Anyway, I went to my counselor today. I like him a lot. Intellectually he gets it. He is wise and straightforward and honest about things. I have a lot of work to do and I know this. We decided I should really just concentrate on trying very hard to be in the momment and not think about the past or the future too much.
We decided and I think this is important that I not get involved in any way with anyone for at least 6 months. And I am going to commit to this with gusto. I need to allow myslef the opportunity not to get involved with a man knowing full well I emotionally am not ready for any type of commitment. So there. Not till July will I even invite the idea.
Rather I will spend the next 6 months working on myself. Trying to take care of myself emotionally and physically. Trying to forgive myself for the past, trying to make a happy home for me and my daughter and trying to sort out where I want to be in the next year. I want to read, and paint and spend time with friends and travel. I want to love life again and I will... I just need time and patience and I cannot allow this one person. A truly selfish and horrible person take everything away from me. The only way I am going to get the happy ending I want is this way. There is just no way around it. And maybe after all this suffering there will be a light and that light will be brighter and more than I could ever have hoped for. I hope so. And I hope it for all the other people on this site struggling as I do. Till tomorrow
