New folks come here, we read their situations and we KNOW...we just KNOW what kinds of things are running through their minds.
When my former wife of 20+ years left our home and ran, I mean almost literally RAN, into the bed of a 20-something year olds apartment, I practically camped outside the guy's apartment, literally daring him to emerge. He wouldn't play though and I probably saved myself a criminal record.
When she then ran 500 miles to the bed of an old crush from when she was 16 or 17, I left an expletive laced message on both his phone and his parents phone. Turns out he is now a lawyer and all I got for my trouble was a rather reasonable warning that threatening calls across state lines could be a federal offense.
None of it impressed the ex. None of it made her see me in a more favorable light. Most of it just reaffirmed in her afflicted mind that I was a lunatic she was well rid of.
It's very difficult to coax someone into NOT doing all the stupid things that many of us have done. Hindsight truly is 20-20 and there are lots of things I would have done differently knowing what I know now.
Interesting that almost NONE of those things I would do differently have anything to do with trying to win the ex back. They all have to do with things I could have done to make MY road easier, MY load lighter, and my SONS lives more peaceful and normal.
Jack speaks the most important truth, AND the one that is so often rejected by us when we are still in that stunned, panic state of rejection. YOU NOW HAVE TIME. And time is an amazingly precious opportunity.
Whether your wife is MLC or not, it does seem at least that she is currently not functioning like her old self. Let's just call it a plain old crisis and be done with it. In this crisis, she has chosen to finger you as the bad guy, mostly because there is very likely some shreds of truth in her complaints against you. She can focus on your faults, and then magnify them enough to justify turning her old life upside down.
But hey, that's HER trip. And there is very little you can do about it.
You have two priorities right now, neither of which are your marriage or your wife.
Those priorites are YOU and YOUR KIDS, and not necessarily in that order all the time.
The more quickly you take YOUR focus off of HER, and put your time and energy into caring for YOU and the KIDS, the better off you will be.
And frankly my friend, if you don't move immediately to get closer to your kids, I have to question your priorities. They need you. Perhaps NOW more than ever. And the longer you stay away, the longer you are telling them that what you are doing is more important than them. Maybe that's part of what you need to be learning through this mess.
Listen to these guys. They have experienced the wars and will not steer you wrong.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
first off- Jack-- dude... you shoulda warned me that when I became a fan of divorce busting on facebook that it got broadcast to the freakin world! Not something I guess I'm ready for all 254 of my friends to know about yet! Anyhow, I'm joking about this a bit.
today I had a weird day with the alien. I like calling her that, I've seen people use that term and it is comforting and I'm gonna use it.
we talked and texted AS IF all freakin day long. don't know if the confrontation about the other dude got her to thinking a little bit about how f'd up it was that she was doing that... you probably saw the email about how she was thinking of me, how sorry she was that she had not told me about her "friend", and how sad she was that we had grown apart.
she just called, was with the boys at Target, just to sortof call and share being there with me. It was very strange. Her tone, the interaction.. it was all like something from the past. Not something I've had in 6 months or so.
edit: when writing this she called me again-- about 10 minutes later on the ride home. we just talked for 30 min about NOTHING (the best kind of nothing...)
I did something today that I think was good though. She was telling me how she had ran out of wood (she's in virginia) and wanted some help calling the guy to bring it out. You have to remember that I NEVER really helped much with anything. Her words, but mostly true. So I got on the web, found a wood guy on craigslist, and got him to come out there and deliver some wood (she loves the wood stove. it makes her very happy). So this was a 180-- in some sense, in that this was something thoughtful (again, not really in my vocabulary from the past), helpful, and made her happy.
I believe this was one of those "tests" about showing that I really had changed that I think it was Cat who told me about... not sure. too lazy to look back. I think I passed...
So, again I know the main goal her is to work on me (which I did today, and felt pretty good-- more like myself). But I think the changes that I need to make (more thoughtful, helpful, respectful) were manifest in the wood delivery. So anyhow, after yesterday and last night, which were really bad (though the first conversation I had with her she said was a major breakthrough becuase I told her, if what she was telling me was true, that I was glad she had a friend to help her out through this tough time. Then I looked at the bill a bit more, lost my s&*t, called her back to say "now really! be honest!" and all that That was not good...)
Today was better...
she told me again how relieved she felt that I knew about the friend...could be alien speak so I take with a grain of salt.
anyhow, I feel like the end of today, at least, is better than the morning.
knowing again that I cannot tie my moods to her and how she reacts to me, I think its also good sometimes to throw a log on the Hope fire... or not... thoughts?
thank you for your advice. I told W that her relationship with the other dude is her business... so I am not gonna go for confrontation there. thank you for the advice though!
love the reinforcement of the lunatic line. that is for darn sure here. It was not productive at all-- though if you see my other post I really think, even if this was an EA, that me knowing about it in some ways has freed her up to me a little. She had shut me out for so long, I think feeling like she was confiding in this peckerhead-- and that I wouldn't "understand". I told her I could totally understand how and why she could do such a thing.
I was writing my rollercoaster ride note and then just read your post..
you will be shaking your head right now...
I DO appreciate what you had so say, and I am listening to it, and am working on those things.
Trust me, I am planning on getting to town so I can be with J and W. Despite what the alien says about me not wanting them or ever wanting to have a relationship with them, they are the most important thing to me. I want to be a dad for them, and of course, I have my own selfish needs that I just love being with them.. they are so much fun. and really pretty amazing. J can do the 7-14 lego's... its amazing to watch. I think he's gonna be an engineer or organic chemist or something. W has his grandfather's and mother's california blood running through his veins. he's a surfer dude, though has never lived anywhere near the surf.
as for the time-- I'm getting really good at chipping.
I play guitar (have a les paul) and am working on learning Panama.. which is a blast to play.
but thank you again, so much, for your thoughtful post. I take it all in... I was basically in a water-boarding torture device for particularly the last 2 years... now I'm out and its like "what the hell happened? where is everyone?
Right now they are starting to get confused about stuff... in a year the wool will not be able to be pulled over their eyes. I think I have at least 6 months to see how this all pans out before we have to have the "mommy and daddy" talk.
I hope what you meant by that was that I was the stable one.
first off- Jack-- dude... you shoulda warned me that when I became a fan of divorce busting on facebook that it got broadcast to the freakin world! Not something I guess I'm ready for all 254 of my friends to know about yet! Anyhow, I'm joking about this a bit.
You can hide that. I also don't FB much but others can and do. Ask for help. : ) I'm outta here soon got a recovery to do.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
