(sigh)....God help me but I must admit something struck a chord when you said your son might be feeling her wrath more, b/c he reminds her of you...
I think, in truth, when h and I were at our worst, I did transfer some anger of mine to our son, who was then about 19...every time our son seemed selfish, I would see his father in him.
I also saw that h spent so much more time with son and zero time with our girls, that I could leave parenting of our son, to h, as the girls needed me more and only had "one" parent...but I wish I had seen more to my son's needs b/c some of them were things I was better suited for and he felt rejected by me at times. Which is fair, considering.
Later my r with son improved and regained it's previous closeness. Just b/c my behavior was understandable, it was far from being right. Plus even when son was truly being selfish, my reaction didn't have to be so big, as kids that age ARE generally selfish anyhow. Not always related to h.
To our son's credit, he brought it up to me to ask me to watch for that tendency... this was after most of the mess had happened and a recon seemed possible.
I'm lucky. All our children are close to me and call often, share their lives with me and our son dedicated an acting award he received, to me. Thankfully H is moving towards the repair of the damaged R's that he has, mainly with our d's, and I hope continues to do so. The kids do love him, but they don't always "get him"...and he's NOT acting out the way your wife is. But he had his moments of feeling like the outsider and...he was the outsider, he was the "destroyer" at the time, and the kids will know this! It's the truth at times and it'll kill your w to know, if she ever faces it, that the truth is, SHE is destroying what was once very good.
Ever want to ask her if she actually has amnesia about what happened, when and why? OR is it still all your fault? God, I'd be sorely tempted to have so many one liners tucked in my hat, waiting for the time AFTER the gavel is dropped...
I fear Your wife, will never open her mind to the possibility that she has done this damage to HER R with son. So she wont' fix it. When the issue gets raised, as if you are "turning him against her" (10-1 odds she'll say this within 90 days...)make sure to mention that you don't bad mouth her to him --which you are sure is reciprocated by her (yeah). and I"m sure I'd ask if she will ever assume any responsibility for any R's in her life or are they all related to you?
Maybe if my son had been angry at me at the time he raised this "transference" as a poss, I'd have reacted differently. Or maybe b/c I had a very good T, I could handle the idea of not being a perfect mom -while still aspiring to be one. All i know is I am thankful we were/are able to speak pretty freely now.
God help your son and stbxw if they never speak of this obvious possibilty and never repair the damage she's doing. (I'd call is a "strong likelihood" that she is projecting onto him, her feelings about you, fyi)...can you dye his hair HER Color?
She'll resent him even more than she does now, and she WILL resent your time with him and ANYTHING you do together that he speaks of...and your poor poor d...God help you all. I urge you to get the kids c, though I think you already are. But it is clear to me, that she is targeting him and may not even know why.
Your wife has a poison in her. I don't know what the antidote is, or the treatment for not getting a vaccination. Seems to me, the best thing to do is act like any other snake is around and avoid disturbing it....But these bites can kill, over time. I hope she's the only victim of the poison but unfortunately she seems hell bent on spewing it. I pray for a resolution soon, for all of you.
And btw, when our alarm goes off at the house and the police come b/c we screwed up and didn't set it right, or were not available by phone, we get "3 strikes" and then we're fined for accidentally and preventably wasting their precious time and resources...what happens to your w for purposely wasting their time?
Gotta go and take care of d12. I cannot wait for this to be over for you. How long NOW? This divorce is like a child birth marathon process -----but WITHOUT THE BABY AT THE END.... Hang in there and again, how long now? I used up my paper chain links and drank the "FIB"s divorce is finally done" bubbly over the holidays...let me know when I can go back to the store and get some more. SHEESH!!! (( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016