New folks come here, we read their situations and we KNOW...we just KNOW what kinds of things are running through their minds.
When my former wife of 20+ years left our home and ran, I mean almost literally RAN, into the bed of a 20-something year olds apartment, I practically camped outside the guy's apartment, literally daring him to emerge. He wouldn't play though and I probably saved myself a criminal record.
When she then ran 500 miles to the bed of an old crush from when she was 16 or 17, I left an expletive laced message on both his phone and his parents phone. Turns out he is now a lawyer and all I got for my trouble was a rather reasonable warning that threatening calls across state lines could be a federal offense.
None of it impressed the ex. None of it made her see me in a more favorable light. Most of it just reaffirmed in her afflicted mind that I was a lunatic she was well rid of.
It's very difficult to coax someone into NOT doing all the stupid things that many of us have done. Hindsight truly is 20-20 and there are lots of things I would have done differently knowing what I know now.
Interesting that almost NONE of those things I would do differently have anything to do with trying to win the ex back. They all have to do with things I could have done to make MY road easier, MY load lighter, and my SONS lives more peaceful and normal.
Jack speaks the most important truth, AND the one that is so often rejected by us when we are still in that stunned, panic state of rejection. YOU NOW HAVE TIME. And time is an amazingly precious opportunity.
Whether your wife is MLC or not, it does seem at least that she is currently not functioning like her old self. Let's just call it a plain old crisis and be done with it. In this crisis, she has chosen to finger you as the bad guy, mostly because there is very likely some shreds of truth in her complaints against you. She can focus on your faults, and then magnify them enough to justify turning her old life upside down.
But hey, that's HER trip. And there is very little you can do about it.
You have two priorities right now, neither of which are your marriage or your wife.
Those priorites are YOU and YOUR KIDS, and not necessarily in that order all the time.
The more quickly you take YOUR focus off of HER, and put your time and energy into caring for YOU and the KIDS, the better off you will be.
And frankly my friend, if you don't move immediately to get closer to your kids, I have to question your priorities. They need you. Perhaps NOW more than ever. And the longer you stay away, the longer you are telling them that what you are doing is more important than them. Maybe that's part of what you need to be learning through this mess.
Listen to these guys. They have experienced the wars and will not steer you wrong.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
