Thanks for checking up on me Rocked and everyone else who has taken a peek to see if there has been any updates....
I am so glad that I went to an IC appointment before xmas. If I had kept with my original stand with xmas plans and H's bday plans, I am positive our current situation would have been totally different and we would have been pushed further apart than together.
The sick to my stomach and walking on eggshells feelings have gone. I am more at ease – less nervousness and anxiety. My gut feeling now tells me OW is not in the picture anymore. H's new habits/rituals that develeoped during A have subsided or are gone.
I still have lots of questions regarding both As but I am at the point of realizing that knowing certain details will not help me heal. I don't need extra visual imagery that will haunt my thoughts. I already have enough to obsess about if I let myself. Every couple of days, I have a question to ask and H has been very good about answering – he has not refused to answer a question yet.
Watched a few movies over the holidays. Have to say, watching shows with topics of affairs was really hard for me. Why does Hollywood portray a strong independent woman as someone who will leave her H if he has cheated? Are there any movies where they reconcile? And I never realized so many shows seem to have affairs as plot lines. Leaving a cheating spouse is definitely what I thought I would have done if you had asked me 6 months ago.
A couple of days after xmas, I invited H back into the martial bed. It feels great to have him sleeping next to me in bed at night. I have to admit I am a little (well maybe actually alot lol) sexually frustrated. My sex drive has been in overdrive!!! Has been like this for the past year but stress has put a damper on it. But now that I don't feel as stressed out... well... I still stand by that H needs to have STD tests completed before we resume ML. H still has not made an appointment yet. Also, I have been thinking about why I have this urgency to ML to H. 1. I want to be the last person he has been with 2. its been awhile 3. I want to “reclaim” H as my own. On the weekend, I told H this and said I am surprised at my level of desire for him as I would have predicted the opposite..... Later on in the afternoon after our talk we had a very hot and heavy make out session.
H had his 40th birthday on the weekend. H has been very anti turning 40 and did not want a party or anything. But against his wishes, I did plan a small dinner for 10 which included his sisters and a few of our friends. The funny part was H was visibly embarassed when the server brought the sparkling dessert and we sung happy b-day. It was odd to see, as H does not embarass easily. I am glad I was able to be apart of a milestone birthday and that I will be included in his 40th bday memories. In the end, he was pleased that I took the effort to do something for him.
H finally went back to work on Monday after being off since Dec 23. It was incredibly stressful having the affair come out in the open just before the holidays but having H home and around for such a long time over the holidays worked in our favour taking the first steps to hopefully get our M back on track...
