Thanks for checking up on me Rocked and everyone else who has taken a peek to see if there has been any updates....
I am so glad that I went to an IC appointment before xmas. If I had kept with my original stand with xmas plans and H's bday plans, I am positive our current situation would have been totally different and we would have been pushed further apart than together.
The sick to my stomach and walking on eggshells feelings have gone. I am more at ease – less nervousness and anxiety. My gut feeling now tells me OW is not in the picture anymore. H's new habits/rituals that develeoped during A have subsided or are gone.
I still have lots of questions regarding both As but I am at the point of realizing that knowing certain details will not help me heal. I don't need extra visual imagery that will haunt my thoughts. I already have enough to obsess about if I let myself. Every couple of days, I have a question to ask and H has been very good about answering – he has not refused to answer a question yet.
Watched a few movies over the holidays. Have to say, watching shows with topics of affairs was really hard for me. Why does Hollywood portray a strong independent woman as someone who will leave her H if he has cheated? Are there any movies where they reconcile? And I never realized so many shows seem to have affairs as plot lines. Leaving a cheating spouse is definitely what I thought I would have done if you had asked me 6 months ago.
A couple of days after xmas, I invited H back into the martial bed. It feels great to have him sleeping next to me in bed at night. I have to admit I am a little (well maybe actually alot lol) sexually frustrated. My sex drive has been in overdrive!!! Has been like this for the past year but stress has put a damper on it. But now that I don't feel as stressed out... well... I still stand by that H needs to have STD tests completed before we resume ML. H still has not made an appointment yet. Also, I have been thinking about why I have this urgency to ML to H. 1. I want to be the last person he has been with 2. its been awhile 3. I want to “reclaim” H as my own. On the weekend, I told H this and said I am surprised at my level of desire for him as I would have predicted the opposite..... Later on in the afternoon after our talk we had a very hot and heavy make out session.
H had his 40th birthday on the weekend. H has been very anti turning 40 and did not want a party or anything. But against his wishes, I did plan a small dinner for 10 which included his sisters and a few of our friends. The funny part was H was visibly embarassed when the server brought the sparkling dessert and we sung happy b-day. It was odd to see, as H does not embarass easily. I am glad I was able to be apart of a milestone birthday and that I will be included in his 40th bday memories. In the end, he was pleased that I took the effort to do something for him.
H finally went back to work on Monday after being off since Dec 23. It was incredibly stressful having the affair come out in the open just before the holidays but having H home and around for such a long time over the holidays worked in our favour taking the first steps to hopefully get our M back on track...
I am so glad that I went to an IC appointment before xmas. If I had kept with my original stand with xmas plans and H's bday plans, I am positive our current situation would have been totally different and we would have been pushed further apart than together.
Hi Maple, happy New Year!
Can you please clarify the above statement? I'm confused; does this mean you backed away from this:
Quote:
But so far... MC - H has agreed to MC (to start in january)
Transparency - I have passwords to email, fb, access to phone (unfortunately no call/bill details as it is provided by his work). When H returns to work in jan, he has to let me know his schedule, where he is working and that he needs to call me before he leaves at the end of the day.
No contact with OW - I asked how he will respond if OW contacts him or if they run into each other at work. As I said before I told him I wanted him to say “it is inappropriate for us to communicate. I am committed to my family, marriage and wife.” and I want to know if she does contact or if he sees her at work. I just put that out there eventhough I know there is a good chance he won't tell me.
STD/HIV tests - I said I don't know what you did for b/c or protection and I don't want to know, but you need to get tested and I need a letter or call from doc with results before we resume ML. (All my test results came back negative.)
I am so glad that I went to an IC appointment before xmas. If I had kept with my original stand with xmas plans and H's bday plans, I am positive our current situation would have been totally different and we would have been pushed further apart than together.
Hi Maple, happy New Year!
Can you please clarify the above statement? I'm confused; does this mean you backed away from this:
Quote:
But so far... MC - H has agreed to MC (to start in january)
Transparency - I have passwords to email, fb, access to phone (unfortunately no call/bill details as it is provided by his work). When H returns to work in jan, he has to let me know his schedule, where he is working and that he needs to call me before he leaves at the end of the day.
No contact with OW - I asked how he will respond if OW contacts him or if they run into each other at work. As I said before I told him I wanted him to say “it is inappropriate for us to communicate. I am committed to my family, marriage and wife.” and I want to know if she does contact or if he sees her at work. I just put that out there eventhough I know there is a good chance he won't tell me.
STD/HIV tests - I said I don't know what you did for b/c or protection and I don't want to know, but you need to get tested and I need a letter or call from doc with results before we resume ML. (All my test results came back negative.)
Puppy
MC/transparency/No contact with OW/STD tests are ALL STILL PART OF THE PLAN.
As for the first paragraph... My original stand for the holidays was based on H and I being separated (in house) - I was pushing H to move out and I was talking to L and looking into a legal separation agreement and starting to make plans on how to share the time with the kids. Now, I consider us together as a couple and working on our M - we spent the holidays as a family sometimes it was a little forced but we are together. Does that make sense????
Started to feel angry tonight thinking about our first MC appointment tomorrow. Being in this predicament because of H's selfish decisions. All the usual questions start going through my head... Why does he deserve another chance? Am I just being unrealistic thinking we will change and our M will be better than before? And can I live with having a part of me not being able to trust him 100%?
I need to start thinking what I need to do to become a better ME regardless of the outcome of our marriage. I am not sure if H wants to change or if he even feels he needs to change. A few comments makes me wonder if he really wants it to work.
On a positive note, I see a change in DD4 and her attitude towards H. So I can see how H's efforts with spending time with kids, coming home early enough to eat meals as a family, and helping out more around the house is paying off. Everynight I tell DD4 I love you “this big” stretching out my arms. She responds the same way “big”. She loves her sister, grandma and grandpa “big” too. But daddy used to get a “little” along with the family dog. Now she loves daddy “big” too. And she has stopped saying “daddy scares her”.
I am curious on what to expect at MC tomorrow. I know H will be in there by himself for the first 20 min as he has not met the counsellor yet.
Maple, it's very normal to get angry and have doubts. I'm nine months into piecing and I still have both.
You'll have to answer those questions on your own. I can tell you, for me, the reason to give him a last chance was for me so I knew that I did all I could to save the R. I wanted to be able to hold my head high if in the end I still decided to walk away, to know that it ended not because of my lack of trying. If BF decided not to do the necessary work then that was his choice and I would be fine moving forward without him.
You will be fine, no matter what happens. You've already shown that you're strong and you can handle it.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Maple, it's very normal to get angry and have doubts. I'm nine months into piecing and I still have both.
You'll have to answer those questions on your own. I can tell you, for me, the reason to give him a last chance was for me so I knew that I did all I could to save the R. I wanted to be able to hold my head high if in the end I still decided to walk away, to know that it ended not because of my lack of trying. If BF decided not to do the necessary work then that was his choice and I would be fine moving forward without him.
You will be fine, no matter what happens. You've already shown that you're strong and you can handle it.
