Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Thinker]

Hi GIMA - cross post good wishes. I'm sorry for what happened in your sitch today.

Thanks Dia. I'll consider the DB counselor. Is there one in particular that anyone would recommend in my sitch?

As far as MC in general, I agree with GIMA. For a long time my goal was to get her to agree to MC. I saw it as a solution to the problem. After a while I realized that I actually saw it as a way to control her via proxy. I was hoping that the right program or the right C would confront her in the right way and get her to turn around - convince her in a way that I had been unable to.

Finally, after a long time of trying (after the failed retro weekend) I realized that this was faulty thinking. Trying to control her in any way, is futile, wrong and codependent. MC won't convince her to change, only help her if she decides to do so herself. This left me with the healthy realization that I have to accept that she is exactly the way she is. I have no influence over whether she changes, nor do the C's.

This is freeing for me, but unfortunately it also leaves me with the realization that I don't want to be married to the person she is. I only wanted to be married to the person I hoped she would become (again).

If she were this way when we were dating, I never would have asked me to marry her. (also, if while we were dating I had been the person I was during marriage, she never would have said "yes").