THank you - Calm calm calm - I'm not so good at it, but it's my own lesson. I do tend to get very hurt and upset and that has always given him the ammunition to blame me. (Then I blame him for being so mean as to hurt me and the cycle begins...) So 180 time. I;ve been working on this for a while - months - and I go up and down, but my eye is on the goal: NO fighting, being friends.
I think I did what you suggest - I said, ok, I understand, I will clean it today - and I just did it later. I snapped a little when he went on about did I make S's lunch too, but immediately made the lunch (I had offered to do it) and apologized. What else can I do.
I'm leaving today for the aforementioned snow vacation with S that H backed out of. H is bitter that I'm leaving but I need to not take that bait either - he said he was ok with me going and he also backed out of going, those were his choices. Trying to not fear his anger which usually leads me to go against what I want to do for me (like not going, in order to appease him) it is positive for me not to take on his anger.
BTW - room cleaned - when I was ready.
so - stay calm, shut my mouth, walk away, and wait 24/48 hrs. That is my recipe
- when I was ready.
