Thanks for your support. My X left for an OW, so as much as that s@&ks, there was a reason.
I keep contacting xMIL, so keep losing ground on detaching.
How are you doing with that? Have you talked D, or are you still in limbo land? The complete lack of comm, while helpful for detaching, is just insane.
How can they just say...nothing?
Hi A, Happy New year! Am catching up, your NYE sounds a bit like mine. The important thing is, we made it through!
On detaching, not sure I can really say - I think I have a ways to go. The lack of C is still hard, but definitely easier than it used to be. I think it's because any C with H has been upsetting for the longest time, because of the D talk by H, so it's actually easier to have NC. But I hear you, it's all hard.
I seem to be having a dip in the old rollercoaster of emotions myself. Just last night I really lost it. Like all the anger & emotion you had I just cried & cried. This doesnt' happen that often anymore. Maybe it's from all the stress from the holidays & acting "as if". Seeing all the relatives, who now know. Even after all this time the grief still is there. However, I am not here to depress you! I am here to support you, so let me focus on the positives: One good thing, IMO that you are doing is posting here often. I sometimes don't post when I'm really down, or if I feel I can't offer any advice. But I'll get on here & read, and that always seems to help. BTW your GAL & 180s are inspiring to me, I need to work on those! I'll check in again & thanks for stopping by my thread. Wishing you great things in 2010! LFA
Last night was what I expected--walked into the cold, dark house after 10 days away and burst into tears. (seems I'm not the only one, LFA!)
Now, mind you, it had been building up (lots of family and travel stress) and I had promised myself I could do it.
But I am talking real old-testament style weeping and wailing, all but the rendering of garments. Open mouth howls, face buried in a towel to absorb all the moisture.
When will that level of grief subside? I did pretty well feeling moderately sad; touched that anger for just a moment--then back to full-on grief.
Yes, NC is better than contact for emotional healing. It is just so freaking WEIRD. A guy you spoke to EVERY day for 23 years--poof!
Also in the pile of mail was a package for him--probably a glucometer (he's diabetic) It was sent UPS. I could have emaile d him and said "package on the porch for you." But I didn't want to break silence even that much.
I wrote: not at this address, added his work address, and dropped it back in the UPS box. I don't know if UPS will deal with change of addresses like that, but if he can't get his medical supplies sent to the right place, that's not my problem.
And if his old meter is faulty and he crashes into a low or his sugar gets too high---too bad he left the woman who is an EMT and knows personally what is best for him when his blood sugar gets out of whack. Ooohhh--that almost sounded like anger there, for a minute!
So--thanks for checking in. I don't feel that I am accomplishing any 180's, really. I am aware now of the mistakes I made in this R; will I have the courage and strength to make those committments/openness in a new R? who knows?
Other 180's I need to work on: keeping a more positive attitude (this has been steadily improving past few years--certainly set back now!) Being more patient. Acknowledging that when I feel insecure about something, I get defensive and more insecure.
Let's keep checking in, LFA. Our sitches are very similiar. Why, just today the tenant I had been emailing to all along about his lease, responded to me AND copied him on the email. Grrrr...so I had to copy him in my response. And I had wanted to handle it all on my own.
Up down down down up.
Drinks tonight with my rescue guy friend. Should help, no?
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
Oh, errgghhh...the tenant just wrote to both of us, reminding us that X had said the rent could be reduced if the tenant stayed on (first time we had a short-term rental)
So now I need to wait until X replies, because I really don't remember what they had agreed on.
And you know--I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to email him. I don't want to "take advantage" of a "possible meeting" to show him how fabulous I am.
This is a change.
Now, as a wanna be Buddhist, this is "aversion" not non-attachment.
It means I still let X control my weather. But it feels a bit like f*$& you! anger, too, and that feels...sorta...good.
Oh--and that should have been "rending" of garments, not "rendering." That's what you do to fat!
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
Oh, errgghhh...the tenant just wrote to both of us, reminding us that X had said the rent could be reduced if the tenant stayed on (first time we had a short-term rental)
So now I need to wait until X replies, because I really don't remember what they had agreed on.
And you know--I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to email him. I don't want to "take advantage" of a "possible meeting" to show him how fabulous I am.
This is a change.
Now, as a wanna be Buddhist, this is "aversion" not non-attachment.
It means I still let X control my weather. But it feels a bit like f*$& you! anger, too, and that feels...sorta...good.
Oh--and that should have been "rending" of garments, not "rendering." That's what you do to fat!
His agrement. Let him deal with it.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Avermont, I really feel for your pain. The NC thing is insane. You describe it well with the "poof" dynamic. Anyway, I just want you to know you are in my prayers.
Hey Aver, If you change your thread, let me know. I'd like to keep checking in on you. Just wanted to give you some encouragment about your emotions. That intense grief is valid and real and normal and healthy. You are strong, you are amazing, and you are going to be ok. Hang in there!
