how to 180 when you've been too independent?

[avermont]

Hi LFA and cutter--thanks for checking in.

Last night was what I expected--walked into the cold, dark house after 10 days away and burst into tears. (seems I'm not the only one, LFA!)

Now, mind you, it had been building up (lots of family and travel stress) and I had promised myself I could do it.

But I am talking real old-testament style weeping and wailing, all but the rendering of garments. Open mouth howls, face buried in a towel to absorb all the moisture.

When will that level of grief subside? I did pretty well feeling moderately sad; touched that anger for just a moment--then back to full-on grief.

Yes, NC is better than contact for emotional healing. It is just so freaking WEIRD. A guy you spoke to EVERY day for 23 years--poof!

Also in the pile of mail was a package for him--probably a glucometer (he's diabetic) It was sent UPS. I could have emaile d him and said "package on the porch for you." But I didn't want to break silence even that much.

I wrote: not at this address, added his work address, and dropped it back in the UPS box. I don't know if UPS will deal with change of addresses like that, but if he can't get his medical supplies sent to the right place, that's not my problem.

And if his old meter is faulty and he crashes into a low or his sugar gets too high---too bad he left the woman who is an EMT and knows personally what is best for him when his blood sugar gets out of whack. Ooohhh--that almost sounded like anger there, for a minute!

So--thanks for checking in. I don't feel that I am accomplishing any 180's, really. I am aware now of the mistakes I made in this R; will I have the courage and strength to make those committments/openness in a new R? who knows?

Other 180's I need to work on: keeping a more positive attitude (this has been steadily improving past few years--certainly set back now!) Being more patient. Acknowledging that when I feel insecure about something, I get defensive and more insecure.

Let's keep checking in, LFA. Our sitches are very similiar. Why, just today the tenant I had been emailing to all along about his lease, responded to me AND copied him on the email. Grrrr...so I had to copy him in my response. And I had wanted to handle it all on my own.

Up down down down up.

Drinks tonight with my rescue guy friend. Should help, no?