She may try to say ridiculous things to push your buttons or get you into a confrontation so as to reenforce her own ideas about the marriage failure. Learn to let that stuff fall off your back like water on a duck. Believe 0% of what she says and only 50% of her actions.
Wow. Thank you all. I really really appreciate all the time you have put in to your posts—
catO4—I didn’t mean to not thank you this am—missed your post. But this was a great post—and thank you for your thoughts.
Yes I think its an EA… but as you said it probably doesn’t matter. I had my suspicions for a while so its not that big a shock… so I’m about the same as I was before. Now I understand a little more, and perhaps she can’t cake eat so guilt free anymore. But I’m going to do my damndest to try and just block that all out and focus on the right things. No more snooping. In some ways, though, I think it was important at the least for her to know that I knew how in contact she was with this guy. I feel like there is a little less BS between us now—because I sensed it for so long.
When I meant rock bottom.. I meant me! But either way who knows where that is.
Thank you for sharing with me that you went through an MLC yourself… I hope there is some sort of awakening. This am S emailed me telling me that she was thinking of me and the 13 years we have been together, sorry she was not honest about her friendship w other dude, and how sorry she is that our relationship had faded… and then said “what are you thinking about”.
Thank you for the advice about the job. Yes I’m probably going to take it. I would be giving up “hearts” but still doing lungs and general surgery… which I like and in some ways may be better since the heart stuff has a lot of baggage that comes with it.
I do want to save both the marriage and myself, but understand I need to save myself first. I am willing to do the work! (I feel like Bob in what about Bob) Baby Steps!
Mach1-
I can absolutely forgive her. As messed up as that seems. I just cannot think of breaking my boys hearts, my heart, all of it… I understand that is a definite possibility but I’m willing to forgive—because I understand I was the root cause of it by the way I treated her before.
Yes—speaking of myself with the rock bottom…trying to relax and breathe and find me… thank you for the advice.
Trapt—
Thank you for those kind and helpful words. Yes. Reasoning and rationalization are totally out of the window. All she wants to talk about are things I didn’t do over the 9 years of marriage. She kept saying “you chose to not sit by me at night when I was breastfeeding the kids”… I told her “I would never choose to hurt you.” She said, “bull%$$#, you chose to do that!”. And “If you loved me like you say you do you would have treated me differently.
I will put it to work pronto!..
As for the OP—I told her this am that its none of my business. If, as she says he has been a real friend to her through this tough time (try not to laugh..) then that’s great. But the men here (and the women too) know that when it comes to beautiful women, its pretty hard to just imagine another guy, who is separated himself, swooping in to the rescue to be the “best friend”… and not having ulterior motives. But like cat said, I’m not sure it matters now. I don’t think saying she can’t be friends with him would be good. She already says I have no respect for her… so this would seem disrespectful. But again I know a lot of that is “alien” speak….
Kjensen—
Thank you for your advice. I have talked to her about that but it has been hard to pin her down and get her to be consistent. Perhaps things will change with that. She has been much more mature and responsive the last… day.
I’ll not snoop anymore. I need a straight jacket though.
Jack 3B
Thank you for your advice and insight.
Yes—is it only two tons of shite? Feels like more than that….
How’d you know I sit in my dark apartment and have pity parties? Thanks for the words of strength too.
I might have to print out your email and read it every day. Especially the cowboy up part.
Great advice on the OM. I told her this morning, by the way, that its none of my business what relationship she has with the dude… she said, “well I’m probably going to tell him that we shouldn’t talk for a while anyhow”. Not sure I really believed that… but whatever. I thought knew my wife—and know she had tendencies towards white lying. But the amount of contact she had with this guy was pretty baffling—text wise anyhow.
She said, “hes a man, has been a gentleman, and has never made any advances”. I said if he was a real man then he wouldn’t be texting the wife of another man all f__n day long, while he is away in another state. Just my opinion, of course.
Had to look up STFU—gotcha.
Oh—where am I? North Carolina.
What is keeping me here is that cardiac surgery is sortof a hard job to come by—but this job is a dead end anyhow. There are no cardiac surgery jobs where she is—but I do have an offer for thoracic (lungs and esophagus) and general surgery. It’s a good job, doesn’t pay what I make now, but I think will be a great opportunity—I am free to leave this job at any time—got that cleared.
No real co-workers or family nearby—but I might go see my grandfather this weekend in Palm Beach . The whole reason for moving there would be to be closer to my kids, no doubt… and to kick that guys ass when I see him. Yes—I had mentioned living in the same house with her… she looked liked she had just sucked on a lemon. Will have to find little place of my own…
Thank you for the advice about that. All of you seem to agree with my gut—get my ass up there so I can be there for the boys.
I will become a fan of DB…
Thank you all so much for your guidance and support.
[One more thing to add to Jack's excellent post...
She may try to say ridiculous things to push your buttons or get you into a confrontation so as to reenforce her own ideas about the marriage failure. Learn to let that stuff fall off your back like water on a duck. Believe 0% of what she says and only 50% of her actions.]
great advice. that is what she has done. and I take it hook line and sinker every time [/quote]
The whole reason for moving there would be to be closer to my kids, no doubt…
GOOD!
Quote:
and to kick that guys ass when I see him.
BAD!!
At least in todays society.
Oh don't get me wrong...I totally UNDERSTAND. 50 years ago? Get away with it. But even 50 years ago it would drive them closer together.
Stop talking about him to her.
Let me tell you that the memory of my wife ripping on the OM one night still brings a smile to my face and a warm glow to my heart. And I didn't say a word.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
