We have MC on saturday. I have no idea where to begin. I need to formulate an approach. She asked for this so I don't want to be a hard A** but being firm and resolute seems to work. Thoughts?
Then I think that "firm and resolute" it should be!
Thanks Doc. Ok. She went and committed to return for MC and IC. She is ambivolent about continuing M and is quick to say so. But her actions say more than her words.
A bit more on the couseling session. First, she went and committed to return for more MC and IC. Over the weekend, we even had time togather that we weren't in conflict. We actually went to the bookstore alone togather to look for the book recommended by the counselor. We took the kids to a movie and I placed my hand on top of hers. She did not recoil, slap me or stomp off. I consider this encouraging. Yesterday, I paid her a sincere compliment on her appearance, gave her a hug and smiled alot.
At one point, she initiated more talk of selling the house and moving back into town. She believes the kids are stressed out because they live in the country. It was hard, but I resisted the temptation to explain that the kids are stressed because thier mother is a mess and has been checked out of the family for several months. I did not say this. Instead, I went into validation mode. She seemed to open up a bit and wanted to discuss "our" future. She frequently refered to us being able to go to dinner and do things togather if we moved back into town. I told her I was in agreement we should list the house. I explained that my reservations have not been about selling the house. She also wanted to talk about our future togather. Curiously, I notices the word "we" has returned to her vocabulary. At one point, I asked, "Are you asking me what I want?" She got immediately angry. "Of course, I care about what you want. How could you think otherwise.Do you think I am that self involved?" It was very,very hard not to jump on this with both feet. My response was, "I can see my question was upsetting to you. I should ask it another time in another." I told her that I did not see seperation as a positive good for the children.I said limbo is no place for kids. So, right now, I feel that D would be better for the kids than S. Her response, "Well, we should just take this one step at a time. We don't have to decide anything right now."
W said, "what are we going to tell the kids?" I said, "You mean about our divorce?" She said, "No, about selling the house." Me: "Oh! We will tell them nothing until there is something concrete to discuss." She: "You talk about divorce alot." Me: Silence.
She wanted to discuss a February training session in another city. I told her I would not trust that for one minute. I said I am not telling you what to do, but I do not trust you. She suggested I go with her. I said, 'I would consider it if she wanted me to go but I am not intersted in going so I can keep tabs on her. That is not who I am or what I am about.'
This led her to a discussion of her feelings about our relationship, her emotional problems, her A. I validated like an elecrtified validation machine. (You know the type.) God! There was sooo much BS! But she was calm and open. So I tried to encourage that behavior. She is still minimizing the impact of the A. She is still in an incredibly selfish mode. she is still angry at me. It is all about how her needs are not met. I held my tounge. (Previously, I would have shown her anger, cold rationality, or ascorbic wit.) I hope the counselor has the cajones to tell her when she is FOS because that ain't my job. ANYBODY KNOW WHEN SHE WILL START TO WAKE UP TO THE SMELL OF HER OWN CRAP?
Then, she said, "I don't want a divorce. But you may be happier with someone else." And, words to the effect, 'Seperation is less likely.' I did not respond to either.
The rest of the night I was cordial. She acknowledged my presense and seemed to comprehend that I have the continued right to exist. She even suggested the "we" take the kid to dinner tonight. I assume she didn't have a mouse in her pocket. This morning she asked, "How did you sleep?" I was shocked to learn she was actually speaking to me.
I have one question for anyone: What in the hell am I doing?
You are doing the first part of a long dance, keep calm, strong and really listen when she speaks. You do not have to agree with her, in fact do not agree with anything you do not agree with for the sake of validation. Validate how she might feel that way, but do not agree with the BS.
Also, do not rely on the MC to "expose" her. She has to figure this out on her own, and she will slowly start to do that, and I think she already has. The MC will likely validate her feelings by turning on you every now and then, be sure you are ready for that.
My point to all this mess of a post is to expect this to be a long road and DO NOT rush it. But I think you are doing great, as far as the trip is concerned, she is open to you going and you said you do not trust her, but you do not want to keep tabs on her, this seems to be oxymoronic, You can't control what she does, but I think it was a great start for her to invite you with her.
Thanks db. Yes, I think she is coming to terms with her actions too. But I don't want to expect anything from her.
I think you are right the MC will turn on me from time to time to bump his credibility. I can handle that.
I also agree that her willingness to have me go along is a promising start. I am playing hard to get. It is a technique I am applying from the Art of Seduction.
I am uncertain of my approach now. Do I remain detached? Do I pursue a bit? Do I get some MC and IC under our belts and simultaneously build her interest in me? Do I tell her about what I want from our M?(One of her biggest complaints was that being married to me was like always being on a date. I was perpetually trying to impress her but was never showing her what I truly wanted.)
nice and pleasant but still way busy, let her bring you in, not the other way around. It will be slow but it will happen. When you get her to engage in you, be sure to reciprocate by really listening, start to do little things for her if you see some promise, but not too much, think of it like a squirel eating out of your hand.
Oh, and let the MC suggest what you both should do.
Bit of a bump last night...She decided to give the little ones a bubble bath. I decided to go for a run so I put on running clothes. She said, "Are you going for a run now?" in angry wife tone. I said, "Yes, I plan to." In response, an angry snear(Previously, I would have stopped my plans and attended to whatever she wanted. So, this showed her real change.) Honestly, if she would have said, 'can you help me with X, then run?' Different ball game. Alternatively, I suppose I could have said, 'I plan to run unless you need or want help.' . I think she needs to see that her anger does not control me. When I finished I received hostility and withdrawal. SHe had planned on asking my advise on a business matter but withdrew instead. This morning, more of the same.
I got a bit paranoid and backslid abit. She was up in the night and my imagination got the better of me. I asked her if she was up in the night, she denied it. She called to tell me not to "interogate" her. I told her I understood how she could feel that way and appologized for the tone in my voice. Guess she wants to be angry at me today.
I also told her that I would have some time available today to discuss the business matter. "I don't want to talk to you about it anymore." Me: "I see. Well, if you change your mind the offer stands."
I saw the IC today. She meets with him friday. I reinforced the fact that she will deny or minimize the impact of her depression on our M. He is very supportive of my position. He advised to not talk A or depression but to turn that over to him. My job is to be supportive, complementary, but not pursuing. He seems very right on with much of what he has to say. In our initial joint session, she felt a rapport with him. Hopefully, this can be sustained after he tells her things she may not want to hear.
