still reeling from discovery

[SusanA]

Yes, he's gone -- he left Nov 1. At that time, I had no idea about the secret life of the past several years. Well maybe an inkling but not complete knowledge. I did the usual -- we can work this out, please forgive me for whatever it is that's made you angry with me, the door is open, I love you and we have something good here (we did, actually, which is part of my disbelief).

Bottom line is I still love my husband. But would I want to be married to him now? No, I don't think so.

Looking back, he's gone through a series of crises in the 23 years I've known him, starting with when I first met him -- massive anxieties, and doses of xanax, some counselling which he ended about a year into our R. His crisis of ten years ago was probably more of the same of that. I suspect he may have had some gay encounters during that crisis, which makes me feel a little queasy knowing I was pregnant with our d. (I've since had tests done, negative thankfully, but we hadn't been intimate for about 7 years.)

Can people change enough to overcome something this huge? Could I ever be with him if he did? Possibly, but probably not. Not that he's itching to come back, mind you.

I guess a big thing right now is the disbelief I feel that I was either so blind, or didn't want to see, and what that says about my judgment. I've always been very perceptive, shrewd even, about people. But this one escaped me. Now when I look at our photo albums, I keep wondering who was this man? I guess that's common.

I'm also a little paranoid about his motives now. For example, he rented Death at a Funeral when the kids were over. (for those who don't know it, it's hilarious, about a dysfunctional family gathering for the father's funeral and the end reveals that the male dwarf who arrives and nobody knows was actually the father's lover.) We'd seen it before, and didn't realize the ending, and so I'm wondering what the motive was for renting it for our 16 y-o s and 10 y-o d.

Does anyone have experience with how much you tell kids about the WAS sexual behaviour. My inclination is NOT to ever say anything about the bi-s, at least until son is in his 20s and has some emotional equipment to deal. But what about the OW? (she doesn't know about his bi aspect) Do you tell kids that dad left not because of me, but because of him? This is more than just my ego, because 10 y-o d is already wondering what he's looking for because she sees me and can't figure out what's wrong with me that dad would leave.

As for me, I'd just like the whole mess to up and leave and for me to go on to lead a Mitford life (a la Jan Karon). Yes, highly realistic, but one is allowed escape from time to time.