Any tips to deal with Jealousy on my part

[g450]

In her case she is actually going to live in my Son's house for three years to help him out financially that way. He will come live with me. After three years she will move back to her home town and I will probably never see her again. I dread that day.

I have at least three years to DB and I am afraid of making mistakes. Still dont have my DB book.

What if she really isnt having an affair? Do I still go black and GAL? Should I wait for her to take an interest in me again?

[newmama]

What if she really isnt having an affair? Do I still go black and GAL? Should I wait for her to take an interest in me again?

yes--the same techniques are recommended and the sooner you get started, the better!

[wifeleft2009]

Yep, I know a guy (the one who gave me my book) did just that! his W moved her stuff out while he was away from the house... she did not have an affair.. she lived with her sister until she got a apt. they had little to no contact at all.. he told me it was hell.. he thought it was over and was getting ready to give up when the rare talks picked up.. they bassically started "dating" again and they are now very happy..

a few note worthy things he told me where

* they saw IC and she stopped going, she said many of the common WAS things

* Her parents and family were not happy with her leaving. but once they all backed off and things cooled down she made more contact with H

* He did not make any phone calls to her or try to find reasons to contact her

* When she did come back he never asked her in depth Why? He let her say what she wanted to say. (he was able to do this)

so there is hope and it seems more than going "dark" is the STOP CHASING?HELPING!!!!!!

[chatterbug]

Stop dreading that day.

She is the one who is losing out.

Not you.

Work on yourself.

What are you doing right now to work on yourself?

How are you improving?

[g450]

For me?

Losing weight, jogging every night after work.
Spending time with my Son.

Reading up on relationships and recognizing my personality faults so I can change them.

Reconnecting with family that I have lost touch with. That felt good. They are now there for me.

Three years is a long time. I may feel very different then but I will always have feelings for her so it will still hurt if she goes. I have even started working on a letter for her as a last request to give us a chance. Ill hold it and give it to her three years from now.

If she goes then that will be the end of it I guess. I will find another mate if I havent already done so. I am a man with needs after all.

I will hold on to my vows as long as I can but can't guarantee anything. And I honestly think she could care less anyway.

I am still hopefull that something like wifeleft2009 posted will happen. Maybe she will snap out of it.

[chatterbug]

Hey G. You should expand those goals to working on yourself mentally as well.

Its good to reconnect with family. Have you contacted any old friends?

[g450]

Didnt really have any friends as being a father and husband was all I really ever needed and wanted. I have that all my time.

I was contacted by the sister of my old best friend but he is having worse problems than me ironically so Ill hold off.

I have family to help me with this so Im good there.

Cant afford a C right now. Looks like I will now be living paycheck to paycheck. Once she divorces me she gets a nice VA check from her fist husbands death to supplement her paycheck. So she will be in much better shape than me. It may be one of the motivating factors behind her wanting to divorce me ASAP.

[g450]

I try to remind myself of all her shortcomings to help me think of a better future.

She had little to no sex drive and I am HD type.

She showed little to no affection so I was basically
in a loveless marriage or so it felt. But she did show me love on occasion.

For the past few years she seems to have been permanently on PMS. Always bitchy (but only to me). Couldnt even ask her to pass the salt without her turning it into an argument.

She is a slob. I have always overlooked this but it still bothers me.

Seemed that nothing I did was right. From how I drove to how I cooked to how I dressed etc.

Even with all this I still want her back so bad it hurts. What the hell is wrong with me? Most other men would have left HER already instead of the other way around.

Guess I have become too dependant on her for my own happiness and existance. I know I can live without her but what kind of life? Guess Ill find out soon enough.

Im not ashamed to say that the thought of starting over at 47 terrifies me. Im sure in time this will change.

[P17]

Even with all this I still want her back so bad it hurts. What the hell is wrong with me? Most other men would have left HER already instead of the other way around.

One thing I learned about breaking from a relationship is that it is a CHEMICAL WITHDRAWAL. Sort of like going cold turkey. This isn't just about your heart and your head wanting her / not wanting her. It's about your body having a withdrawal from the chemicals that your M provided for so many many years. It's exactly the same when you fall in love - those chemicals (different ones) flood the body and produce the love high that new couples get. Those ones eventually fade and the others take over. The withdrawal from a relationship suppresses appetite, induces mild depression, causes insomnia etc. etc. The same issues that every single one of us have had on here.

So there are two reasons you want her back - the first one is you love her (or you wouldn't have been with her) and the second if the chemical withdrawal. An addict wants that next fix because it will make them feel good again not because they know it's good for them.

What will happen is that the chemical withdrawal fades as you get used to it and then you are left with two things - love or no love left. If you still have love for her then you fight. If you have no love left then you don't.

The chemical withdrawal is here to stay though. For a while. You just need to accept it and get on with things as there is absolutely nothing you can do about it other than GAL, which does help a lot. You replace the love lost from your W with love from others - family and friends.

Guess I have become too dependant on her for my own happiness and existance.

As Shrek says 'join the club, we've got jackets'. I think the vast majority of people on here have made our spouse the centre of our lives. That's too much pressure for somebody and makes you look like you have nothing but the M and the R to live for. Not attractive. That's why GALing is good for the M, the R and any chance of reconcilliation.

I know I can live without her but what kind of life? Guess Ill find out soon enough.

You will but you also know that is an irrational fear. Remember that - it's irrational. You will NOT be alone for the rest of your life. Come here and learn. Learn what others have to say about M, recovery, relationships in general and learn about yourself. I know that when my M ends (and I'm 99% sure it will) than I will be a 100 times better partner to the next woman I meet. I have learned SO MUCH from the people on here and about myself. This forum is a godsend for that.

Im not ashamed to say that the thought of starting over at 47 terrifies me. Im sure in time this will change.

It will. You'll realise how attractive your are to the opposite sex. But remember, I feared starting over at 36 ... it's irrational but that doesn't mean you don't think it. Just remind yourself when you do ... it's irrational.

[g450]

Well I heard her talking to a guy last night for over an hour.
She was only talking about the football game that was on her TV though.

I heard the whole thing and did not hear anything disparaging.
Perhaps my fears are unfounded.

Still though, over an hour on the phone with another guy. That really botheres me.

I know who this guy is because she said his last name. He went to high school with her and is one of her facebook buddies. I even found a photo of him on classmates.com. It appears that he is or was married and has children (probably grown by now).

Listening to her last night made me feel ill. I remember when she used to talk to me like that. Havent heard that sweet tone of voice form her in years. When she talks to me her demeanor is short and too the point. Almost like she is pissed-off at me 100% of the time. I hate this.