I am currently stuck deep in limbo - a limbo of my own choosing. It's frustrating at times, and can't last forever (I can't let it), but for now it is giving me some time to think.
A summary of my sitch: - The A is over (I believe), but my w has never expressed regret, accepted responsibility or truly apologized. Like in many other sitch's, she continues to place all blame for our sitch on me.
- She does NOT want a D at this time, or a separation. She does not want the disruption to her life or the loss of support or the impact on the kids.
- She will not commit to the M, or to working on the M. She and I are both separately seeing ICs', but MC has been a complete failure. Each time we have attempted it she has started the first session with "I don't know what I want" and "I don't feel anything" and then proceeded to blame me for everything. The sessions go nowhere.
- We are still sleeping in the same bed and are occasionally physically affectionate - hugs, etc. Most of the time I initiate the affection. I do this because I have made a decision that as long as she is my w, and not my stbxw, then I am going to be an affectionate husband.
- There is little to no intimacy of any sort - physical or emotional - in our R. She rejects any and all attempts at kissing, hand holding, ML, heart to heart discussions etc.
Life is definitely not miserable. We have a good life. We both love our kids. We cooperate well together. I am MUCH better now at expressing myself, at setting boundaries, and at bringing up things which bother me in a productive way.
To Quote the Shawshank Redemption, however: "Time to Get Busy Living, or Get Busy Dying"
I am ready to move on with my life. Either we are going to rebuild a new R, or we are going to dismantle the M and move on. I am pausing for 2 reasons. The first, as you all know, is out of compassion for her and her mothers situation. The second is for myself. I don't want a D, and I don't want to force D on my kids. I know that I am susceptible to requests from her not to D. I know that if I proceed with a D, she will place the responsibility for ending the M on me, will claim to be trying, will try to appease me, etc. I know that unless I have clear concrete terms under which I am willing to stay - and which in the absence of which I will leave - I will be very difficult for me not to cave in and end up back in Limbo.
Before I proceed, therefore, I need to decide for myself EXACTLY what it is that I am willing to accept in the M, both short term and long term.
I'm still working on this.
Here are a set of points that are my minimum. I don't have a timeframe yet - still TBD. I am also struggling with how to put them into concrete terms.
In order for me to agree to remain married and not proceed with D, Mrs. T must:
- Want to be married to me and openly state this. - Verbally commit to the marriage. (ie: say (in front of a C?) "I want to be married to you and I want to try to make this work")
- Accept responsibility for the A and promise that it will not happen again as long as we are married.
- Tell me what she needs to be happy and how she wants to be loved. Be open to accepting love from me.
- Listen when I tell her what I need and how I want to be loved. Be willing to try to love me in the way that I request. ---
These aren't the minimum for a M, just the minimum to continue postponing a D.
I'm open to suggestions.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.